Funny Friday

From Terry: —oo— From vonMesser: Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.” The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.” The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says ‘Your Eminence’ The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, “My son is the Pope. When he … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From NavyVet: ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Blessed B: Canada sends its Joint Task Force overseas to stop a nuclear war… —oo— From Navyvet: Where to retire: You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where 1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade. 2. You’ve experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town. 4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Navy Vet: The City’s largest Charitable Organization realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit to his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, ‘Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community? The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, ‘First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Earl: —oo— From NavyVet: I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, “Nothing.” The reason I said “nothing” instead of saying “just thinking” is because she then would have asked, “About what?” At that point, I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. Finally, I pondered an age old question: “Is … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Wize Owl: A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.  He then put on his shoes and drove home. ‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded. ‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied, ‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.’ She looked down at his shoes and said: ‘You lying bastard! You’ve … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Terry: —oo— From Wendy: THE FIRST MESSAGE Hi George, This is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that’s no … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Navy Vet: An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, “That’s about average up our way, folks… like I said my boy’s a typical County Clare baby boy.” Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, aren’t you the father of that typical … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Brian: —oo— From VonMesser: —oo— From Hershey: Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University, has designed a bra that keeps women’s breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stops nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of Texans took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.   Here is a traffic law question. If you miss it you may be too old to drive. Traffic Question : Most men will get this right!  Q: You are driving along a narrow two lane … Continue reading

Funny Friday

Special Feature from Jules: I had the pleasure of a visit from Jules Smith to my ranch prior to her return trip back to the UK.  Turns out the Leftists in DC have been secretly breeding Unicorns and were emboldened to release them into the wilds of Virginia after their lame victory in last week’s gubernatorial election. —oo— From Gil: 1. My goal for 2017 was to lose just 10 pounds … only 15 to go …. 2. Ate salad for dinner …Mostly croutons & tomatoes … Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce … And cheese.. FINE, … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Gil: Funny Performance Evaluations: (Here are some inspiring quotes taken from actual Federal Government employee performance evaluations.) 1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.” 2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.” 3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.” 4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.” 5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.” 6. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.” 7. “He sets … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From I.R. Wayright: An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.  I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.” No one moved.  The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?  Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart, you will feel … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From NavyVet: My boss, who is on vacation, phoned me today. He said, “Is everything OK at the office?” I said “It’s all under control. It’s been a very busy day. I haven’t stopped to take a break all day.” “Can you do me a favor?” he asked. I said, “Of course, What is it?” “Pick up the pace a little. I’m in the foursome behind you.” —oo— From Wendy: A father told each of his three children when he sent them to off to college, “I feel it’s my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Terry:   —oo— From Gil: A young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship with her husband) presumably did it as a joke Then she got a reply which was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people’s love advice was hilarious and genius! The query: Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Hershey: One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. “Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated. “Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and I give some of … Continue reading

Funny Friday

—oo– From NavyVet: I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me, It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else. One day she called me and asked me to come over. ‘To check my … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From SafeSpace: A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man. The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he’s without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers. The old man glares at the young punk for him for the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city. Finally, the punk looks … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Gil: Recent studies found average golfers walk 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year. This means, on average, golfers get 41 miles to the gallon! Kind of makes you proud. Almost makes you feel like a hybrid. . .   —oo— From Navy Vet: Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the … Continue reading

Funny Friday

—oo— From Hershey: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything for export had to be transported by ship. It was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common. It was shipped dry because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles – you can imagine what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build … Continue reading