Funny Friday

From Terry: —oo— From Wendy: THE FIRST MESSAGE Hi George, This is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that’s no … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Navy Vet: An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, “That’s about average up our way, folks… like I said my boy’s a typical County Clare baby boy.” Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, aren’t you the father of that typical … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Brian: —oo— From VonMesser: —oo— From Hershey: Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University, has designed a bra that keeps women’s breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stops nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of Texans took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.   Here is a traffic law question. If you miss it you may be too old to drive. Traffic Question : Most men will get this right!  Q: You are driving along a narrow two lane … Continue reading

Funny Friday

Special Feature from Jules: I had the pleasure of a visit from Jules Smith to my ranch prior to her return trip back to the UK.  Turns out the Leftists in DC have been secretly breeding Unicorns and were emboldened to release them into the wilds of Virginia after their lame victory in last week’s gubernatorial election. —oo— From Gil: 1. My goal for 2017 was to lose just 10 pounds … only 15 to go …. 2. Ate salad for dinner …Mostly croutons & tomatoes … Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce … And cheese.. FINE, … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Gil: Funny Performance Evaluations: (Here are some inspiring quotes taken from actual Federal Government employee performance evaluations.) 1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.” 2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.” 3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.” 4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.” 5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.” 6. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.” 7. “He sets … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Jules: Funny Friday Special ( dare you to say I’m slacking now, ‘Nox!) Reporting live from Texas. —oo— From NavyVet: “Estate Planning”: My buddy Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died. Tom wanted two things: • to learn how to invest his inheritance and, • to find a wife to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Jules (who is galavanting around in the USA pretending she’s working): Here are my Funny Friday editions for daring to be so lackadaisical last week and not submitting any quality memes.  This week I have decided to take my own pictures and a closer look at what you Americans buy and do whilst I hunker down in Texas.  I think it is only fair for me to raise questions about your fodder and lifestyle choices since you find it admissible (not mentioning any names, Terry and ’Nox) to scorn the delicacies of the Great Empire… Let’s see, shall we? Well first … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From I.R. Wayright: An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.  I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.” No one moved.  The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?  Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart, you will feel … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From NavyVet: My boss, who is on vacation, phoned me today. He said, “Is everything OK at the office?” I said “It’s all under control. It’s been a very busy day. I haven’t stopped to take a break all day.” “Can you do me a favor?” he asked. I said, “Of course, What is it?” “Pick up the pace a little. I’m in the foursome behind you.” —oo— From Wendy: A father told each of his three children when he sent them to off to college, “I feel it’s my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Terry:   —oo— From Gil: A young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship with her husband) presumably did it as a joke Then she got a reply which was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people’s love advice was hilarious and genius! The query: Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Hershey: One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. “Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated. “Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and I give some of … Continue reading

Funny Friday

—oo– From NavyVet: I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me, It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else. One day she called me and asked me to come over. ‘To check my … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From SafeSpace: A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man. The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he’s without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers. The old man glares at the young punk for him for the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city. Finally, the punk looks … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Gil: Recent studies found average golfers walk 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year. This means, on average, golfers get 41 miles to the gallon! Kind of makes you proud. Almost makes you feel like a hybrid. . .   —oo— From Navy Vet: Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the … Continue reading

Funny Friday

—oo— From Hershey: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything for export had to be transported by ship. It was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common. It was shipped dry because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles – you can imagine what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build … Continue reading

Funny Friday

Chepe: “How many children do you have?” Pepe: “I have eight children”. Chepe: “You don’t have a TV?” Pepe: “No”. —oo— From Navy Vet: A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. “Marion, Marion?” “Is that you, Bob?” “Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.” “That’s wonderful! What’s it like?” “Well, I get up … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Gil: Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Gil: A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside them. “Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, the Mother Superior turns to Sister Martha and says, “I don’t think they know who we are. Show them your cross.” Sister Martha rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!” Sister Martha then rolls up her window, looks back at the Mother Superior … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From SafeSpace: Upon hearing the awful news that a member of the Supreme Court had passed away, Hillary phoned the president’s office. It was just past midnight. “I need to talk to the president, it’s an emergency!”, exclaimed Hillary. After some cajoling, President Trump’s assistant agreed to wake him up. “What is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?”, bellowed Trump. “A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place,” begged Hillary. “Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary,” replied the President. —oo— AN ACTUAL CRAIG’S LIST PERSONALS AD … Continue reading