Funny Friday

From NavyVet: The kid doesn’t know It yet..but he can never run for political office as a Republican. A Newfoundlander is driving down a road in St. Johns.  A sign in front of a restaurant reads: HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL Lobster Tail and Beer ‘Lord tunderin‘ jaysus‘ he says to himself, ‘me 3 favourite tings!’ Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age; we were the same size as kids. I … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Earl: —oo— From Terry: —oo— From Gil: THE ENTRANCE EXAM FOR MEDICAL SCHOOL WHEN STUDENTS TOOK THE ENTRANCE EXAM FOR MEDICAL SCHOOL, THEY WERE PERPLEXED BY THIS QUESTION: “REARRANGE THE LETTERS P-N-E-S-I TO SPELL OUT THE PART OF THE HUMAN BODY THAT IS MOST USEFUL WHEN ERECT.” THOSE WHO SPELLED SPINE BECAME DOCTORS. THE REST ARE IN CONGRESS. ~~~~~~~ I bought a new Dodge 3500 Ram Tri-Flex Fuel Truck. It’ll run on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85. Had to go back to the dealer yesterday because I couldn’t get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Jules: —oo— From Felinity: —oo— From Wendy: —oo— From Hershey: A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled to see an intruder there. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: ‘Stop! Acts 2:38!’  (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Gil: Last Will and Testament Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys, and is on his deathbed, and knows the end is near His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: “My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.” “My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier..” “My son, Jamie, I want you to take … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Terry: —oo— From vonMesser: Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.” The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.” The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says ‘Your Eminence’ The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, “My son is the Pope. When he … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From NavyVet: ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Blessed B: Canada sends its Joint Task Force overseas to stop a nuclear war… —oo— From Navyvet: Where to retire: You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where 1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade. 2. You’ve experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town. 4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Navy Vet: The City’s largest Charitable Organization realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit to his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, ‘Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community? The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, ‘First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge … Continue reading

Asshat Alert: Dims Think They Will Gain House in 2018

The left is attempting to perform a psych-op on the American electorate calling they will win the House of Representatives, and maybe even the Senate, in 2018. Dream on assholes!  Ain’t gonna happen. EVERYTHING the left has touched has turned to absolute and total shit.  Their platform is and has been racism, gender inequality, income redistribution, socialism, free-stuff for everyone, ObamaCare, Open Borders and Illegal invasion, anti-capitalism, pro-Black Lives Matter, the War on Cops, Antifa, LGBT insanity, the embrace of all things muslim, anti-Christian, anti-family, pro-abortion, anti-military, anti-gun, sanctuary city, and every other wackjob fruit and nut issue that is … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Earl: —oo— From NavyVet: I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, “Nothing.” The reason I said “nothing” instead of saying “just thinking” is because she then would have asked, “About what?” At that point, I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. Finally, I pondered an age old question: “Is … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Wize Owl: A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.  He then put on his shoes and drove home. ‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded. ‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied, ‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.’ She looked down at his shoes and said: ‘You lying bastard! You’ve … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Terry: —oo— From Wendy: THE FIRST MESSAGE Hi George, This is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that’s no … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Navy Vet: An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, “That’s about average up our way, folks… like I said my boy’s a typical County Clare baby boy.” Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, aren’t you the father of that typical … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Brian: —oo— From VonMesser: —oo— From Hershey: Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University, has designed a bra that keeps women’s breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stops nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of Texans took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.   Here is a traffic law question. If you miss it you may be too old to drive. Traffic Question : Most men will get this right!  Q: You are driving along a narrow two lane … Continue reading

Funny Friday

Special Feature from Jules: I had the pleasure of a visit from Jules Smith to my ranch prior to her return trip back to the UK.  Turns out the Leftists in DC have been secretly breeding Unicorns and were emboldened to release them into the wilds of Virginia after their lame victory in last week’s gubernatorial election. —oo— From Gil: 1. My goal for 2017 was to lose just 10 pounds … only 15 to go …. 2. Ate salad for dinner …Mostly croutons & tomatoes … Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce … And cheese.. FINE, … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Gil: Funny Performance Evaluations: (Here are some inspiring quotes taken from actual Federal Government employee performance evaluations.) 1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.” 2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.” 3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.” 4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.” 5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.” 6. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.” 7. “He sets … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Jules: Funny Friday Special ( dare you to say I’m slacking now, ‘Nox!) Reporting live from Texas. —oo— From NavyVet: “Estate Planning”: My buddy Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died. Tom wanted two things: • to learn how to invest his inheritance and, • to find a wife to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From Jules (who is galavanting around in the USA pretending she’s working): Here are my Funny Friday editions for daring to be so lackadaisical last week and not submitting any quality memes.  This week I have decided to take my own pictures and a closer look at what you Americans buy and do whilst I hunker down in Texas.  I think it is only fair for me to raise questions about your fodder and lifestyle choices since you find it admissible (not mentioning any names, Terry and ’Nox) to scorn the delicacies of the Great Empire… Let’s see, shall we? Well first … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From I.R. Wayright: An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.  I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.” No one moved.  The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?  Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart, you will feel … Continue reading

Funny Friday

From NavyVet: My boss, who is on vacation, phoned me today. He said, “Is everything OK at the office?” I said “It’s all under control. It’s been a very busy day. I haven’t stopped to take a break all day.” “Can you do me a favor?” he asked. I said, “Of course, What is it?” “Pick up the pace a little. I’m in the foursome behind you.” —oo— From Wendy: A father told each of his three children when he sent them to off to college, “I feel it’s my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and … Continue reading