Funny Friday

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn’t yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. … Continue reading

Funny Friday

Millennials? we’re so screwed… —oo— The Lutheran church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with since it was God’s divine will. At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Methodist church decided that they were not … Continue reading

Funny Friday

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival, they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don’t hit the ducks during your first three months here. The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, “The ducks?” “Yes”, St. Peter replies, “There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and … Continue reading

Funny Friday

They have started pouring the foundation for the Obama library in Kenya A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered, “Call for backup.”   A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walks up to the driver’s window and asks, “You drinkin’?” The driver said, “Well that depends – You buyin’?”   “A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog… It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours. The … Continue reading

Funny Friday

The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was. “Madam”, said the newspaper employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY”. There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, .. ..”Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church either —oo— Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly … Continue reading

Funny Friday

How bad are the schools in Chicago ? Darqueeze played high school football in Chicago. He was a great running back, but a really poor student. At graduation, he didn’t have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the principal give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the principal agreed that if Darqueeze could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma. The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place. It was standing room only. The principal … Continue reading

Funny Friday

Watch this one to the end for a good laugh: This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What’s the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire. Here’s her story in her own words: “While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its … Continue reading

Funny Friday

Dave was goose hunting up in the northern Minnesota woods when he leaned his shotgun against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his favorite Lab, Ol’ Stay, knocked the gun over causing it to discharge a considerable amount of #4 shot into Dave’s groin area. Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his ER doctor, Dr. Sven, who said, “Vell Dave, I got some goot noos and some bat noos. Da goot noos is dat you’re gonna be OK. Da damage vas local to … Continue reading

Funny Friday

GOD to ST. FRANCIS:  Frank , You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles. St. FRANCIS:  It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your … Continue reading

Funny Friday

Just some general humor to cleanse the palate… . World’s Shortest Books _______________ MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS By Tiger Woods ________________________ THINGS WE LOVE ABOUT OUR COUNTRY By Jane Fonda, Cindy Sheehan & Michelle Obama Illustrated by Michael Moore Foreword by George Soros ______________________________ __________ MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA By “The Rev Jesse Jackson” & “The Rev Al Sharpton” ______________________________ ________ THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL By Hillary Clinton _________________ Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill Clinton _________________ THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD By Bill Gates ______________________________ ______ THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY … Continue reading

Funny Friday

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a ‘drop dead gorgeous’ blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them and they couldn’t help but stare. As the blonde … Continue reading

Funny Friday

—oo— The biggest gulf between Americans is not religion, politics or color. The biggest difference is the way old vs. young understand  the history and probably future of the Nation. There were protesters at the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. There was an elderly woman behind me holding an umbrella. A young female protester offered the lady a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old  woman’s shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, “Ma’am, don’t you care about the people and … Continue reading

Funny Friday

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband. The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?” All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?” Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t remember. The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband: “I love you, sweetheart.” The women were then instructed to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text … Continue reading

Funny Friday

Which of the following names are you familiar with? 1. Monica Lewinsky 2. Spiro Agnew 3. Benito Mussolini 4. Adolf Hitler 5. Jorge Bergoglio 6. Alfonse Capone 7. Vladimir Putin 8. Linda Lovelace 9. Saddam Hussein 10. Tiger Woods You had trouble with #5 didn’t you? You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don’t know the Pope?? —oo— Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses. He replied, “Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; deport him and you’ll never have to feed him again.” Trump … Continue reading

Funny Friday: STEM Education Edition

Understanding Engineers #1 (of 8): Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”  Understanding Engineers #2: To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the … Continue reading

Funny Friday

A German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old German Shepherd thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep shit now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,  “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here.” Hearing this, the young panther … Continue reading

Funny Friday

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.” “What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.” “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.” “Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.” The bartender replied, “Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?” The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was … Continue reading

Early Start on Funny Friday

The following is an actual question given on a  University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. The answer by this student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Question:  Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: … Continue reading

Funny Friday

—oo— I TOLD MY SON, “YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE.” HE SAID,  “NO.” I TOLD HIM, “SHE IS BILL GATES DAUGHTER.” HE SAID,  “YES.” I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, “I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY  SON,” BILL GATES SAID, “NO” I TOLD BILL GATES, “MY SON IS THE  C.E.O. OF THE WORLD BANK.” BILL GATES SAID, “OK” I CALLED THE  PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE C.E.O. HE SAID,  “NO” I TOLD HIM, “MY SON IS BILL GATES SON-IN-LAW” HE SAID,  “OK” THIS IS EXACTLY HOW POLITICS  WORKS. —oo— A friend … Continue reading