THE ENTRANCE EXAM FOR MEDICAL SCHOOL
WHEN STUDENTS TOOK THE ENTRANCE EXAM FOR MEDICAL SCHOOL, THEY WERE PERPLEXED BY THIS QUESTION: “REARRANGE THE LETTERS P-N-E-S-I TO SPELL OUT THE PART OF THE HUMAN BODY THAT IS MOST USEFUL WHEN ERECT.”
THOSE WHO SPELLED SPINE BECAME DOCTORS.
THE REST ARE IN CONGRESS.
I bought a new Dodge 3500 Ram Tri-Flex Fuel Truck. It’ll run on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
Had to go back to the dealer yesterday because I couldn’t get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice-activated.
Nelson’, the technician said to the radio. The radio replied, ‘Ricky or Willie?’
‘Willie!’ he continued, and ‘On The Road Again came from the speakers.
Then he said, ‘Ray Charles!’, and in an instant ‘Georgia On My Mind’ replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I’d say, Beethoven’, I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said, Beatles’, I’d get one of their awesome songs.
Well, yesterday, some old lady ran a red light and nearly smashed into my new truck, but luckily I swerved in time to avoid her.
I yelled, ‘You Crazy Bitch!’ Immediately the radio responded with, Ladies and gentlemen, The Democratic Leader and former speaker of the House ….Nancy Pelosi.
Damn, I love this truck.
Johnny wakes up very hungry and hurries downstairs to eat.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he’s a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks
a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow..
When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon, and why don’t I have any
milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get
any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any
bacon for a week either.. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you
aren’t getting any milk..”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat
halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “You
gonna tell him or should I?”
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home, he stopped at the Hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the Feed Store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’
The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’
The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket… Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’
‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way, he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, rip my panties off and have your way with me?’
The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’
The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens…
*One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.*
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..
*My wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.*
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
*When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.*
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally, she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
*My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.*
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…
*My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our forthcoming anniversary.*
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 225 in about 2 seconds.”
I bought her bathroom scales.
And then the fight started……
*After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.*
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt”.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me”, and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability too.”
And then the fight started…
*My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.*
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
I replied, “Your eyesight’s perfect.”
And then the fight started……..
*I rear-ended a car this morning … the start of a REALLY bad day!*
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said “I am NOT happy!”
So I said, “Well, which one ARE you then?”
That’s how the fight started.
From Buck (aka captbogus):
What a morning…
8:00 I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.
8:15 So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.
8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.
8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed
because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter : “Yeah, if it’s up your ass”
8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.
9:00 I’m on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble during this difficult weather.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.
9:29 A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.
Moral: When it’s this cold, stay inside.
From I.R. Wayright:
The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.
The doc checked the man’s blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the wife.
He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed. He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough.
Finally, he said, “Ok, good. You can get dressed now, and I will talk to your husband.”
The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, “Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn’t get an erection either.”
Have a great Friday. We are winning!