Funny Friday

From NavyVet:

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, very close to your IQ.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
______________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney.  Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK?  What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

_________________

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

“Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly.

“Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety-eight,” he replied The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

“Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?”

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,
“I outlived all them assholes.”

Then he calmly returned to his seat.

—oo—

From Gil:













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From SafeSpace:

Have you ever wondered why it’s OK to make jokes about Catholics, Jews, Christians, the Pope, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Hungarians, the Chinese, the French (including French Canadians), Kiwi’s, the elderly, bad golfers, men/women, blacks/whites, etc, but it’s insensitive to make jokes about the Muslims?

Well, it’s time to level the playing field and be politically incorrect, by including our friends, the Muslims, on this grandiose list.

So Jeff Foxworthy did his part to include the Muslims on his list: …

1. If you grow and refine heroin for a living, but morally object to the use of liquor, You May Be a Muslim.

2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but can’t afford shoes, You May Be a Muslim.

3. If you have more wives than teeth, You May Be a Muslim.

4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon to be unclean, You May Be a Muslim.

5. If you think vests come in two styles, Bullet-proof and suicide, You May Be a Muslim.

6. If you can’t think of anyone that you haven’t declared jihad against, You May Be a Muslim.

7. If you consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, You May Be a Muslim.

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses, other than setting off roadside bombs, You May Be a Muslim.

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four, Then You, Too, May Be a Muslim.

10. If you find this offensive you are part of the problem and you Are Most Likely a Muslim.

________________________

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

”What’s that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.

“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock.” the drunk replied.

“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.

“YUP, it is” replied the drunk.

“How’s it work?” the friend asked; squinting at it.

“Watch” the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: “Hey ASSHOLE! It’s 3:15 in the MORNING!”


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From Earl:



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From Terry:












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From Ragnar:

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From Hershey:

It happens to all of us…
You’re driving along just minding your own business, when all of a sudden -without any warning, this dick in a truck pulls out right in front of you……

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From ‘Nox:









—oo—

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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6 Responses to Funny Friday

  1. Terry says:

    A very jocund collection for another Funny Friday. Well done everyone !

    ————————————————————————————————–

    A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
    “Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm”?
    “Because he was conceived during a mighty storm”, she said.
    Then he asked “Why is my sister named Cornflower”?
    “Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her”, she replied.
    He then asked “And why is my other sister called Moonchild”?
    “We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived”, the mother replies.
    The mother paused and said to her son…
    “Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”

    ——————————————————————————————————-
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  2. SafeSpace says:

    Opbama…. Lord protect us!

  3. Wise Owl says:

    Thanks for the laughs! Have a good weekend, everyone!

  4. captbogus2 says:

    Those lawyer-witness jokes are probably true quotes.

    • Navyvet says:

      Actually they are from book titled “Disorder in Court” and are things people actually said, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters who had the responsibility of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

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