ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, very close to your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.
“Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly.
“Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety-eight,” he replied The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
“Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?”
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,
“I outlived all them assholes.”
Then he calmly returned to his seat.
Have you ever wondered why it’s OK to make jokes about Catholics, Jews, Christians, the Pope, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Hungarians, the Chinese, the French (including French Canadians), Kiwi’s, the elderly, bad golfers, men/women, blacks/whites, etc, but it’s insensitive to make jokes about the Muslims?
Well, it’s time to level the playing field and be politically incorrect, by including our friends, the Muslims, on this grandiose list.
So Jeff Foxworthy did his part to include the Muslims on his list: …
1. If you grow and refine heroin for a living, but morally object to the use of liquor, You May Be a Muslim.
2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but can’t afford shoes, You May Be a Muslim.
3. If you have more wives than teeth, You May Be a Muslim.
4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon to be unclean, You May Be a Muslim.
5. If you think vests come in two styles, Bullet-proof and suicide, You May Be a Muslim.
6. If you can’t think of anyone that you haven’t declared jihad against, You May Be a Muslim.
7. If you consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, You May Be a Muslim.
8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses, other than setting off roadside bombs, You May Be a Muslim.
9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four, Then You, Too, May Be a Muslim.
10. If you find this offensive you are part of the problem and you Are Most Likely a Muslim.
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
”What’s that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock.” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.
“YUP, it is” replied the drunk.
“How’s it work?” the friend asked; squinting at it.
“Watch” the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: “Hey ASSHOLE! It’s 3:15 in the MORNING!”
It happens to all of us…
You’re driving along just minding your own business, when all of a sudden -without any warning, this dick in a truck pulls out right in front of you……
Have a great Friday.