Funny Friday

From Navy Vet:

The City’s largest Charitable Organization realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit to his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, ‘Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community?

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, ‘First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?’

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, ‘Uh… No, I didn’t know that.’

‘Secondly,’ says the lawyer, ‘did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off again.

‘Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?’

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, ‘I’m so sorry. I had no idea.

So the lawyer says, ‘So if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?


—-

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

“Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”

“Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.”

“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear”..

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder”..

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment,  “I know you’re retired from the Navy. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?”

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled.  He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,

“They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir”?


—–

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.

He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can’t stand it anymore.

She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy…

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”

“It’s Frank. The midget…………….


—oo—

From Gil:

New Jersey Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, ‘We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.’

The old farmer said, ‘OK, but don’t get out in that pasture over there.’

The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, ‘I have the authority of the State of New Jersey to go anywhere I want.  See this card? I will go wherever I wish.’

So the old farmer went about his chores.

It wasn’t too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling.

He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for their lives and right behind was the farmer’s huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet’s nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step.

The old farmer yelled out, ‘Show him your card, Smart Ass… Show him your card!!


—-

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

“I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day. Give me the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right.”

Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary.”

—oo—

From SafeSpace:

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

“Fred,” he replies.

“Fred what?” the officer asks.

“Just Fred,” the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

“Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?”

The biker replies, “It’s a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.

“When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went to college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

“After a while, I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream!

“Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

“Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.

“Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.  “Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am just Fred.”

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

—oo—

From Jules:

A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the petrol station.

As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, “Young man, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”

The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street and at the junction turn to your right. It’s on the left.”

The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, “I’m the new vicar. If you and your parents come to church on Sunday, I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”

The little boy replied with a chuckle; “You’re kidding me, right? You can’t even find the bloody Post Office.”

—oo—

From ‘Nox:















—oo—

Have a great Friday and a very Happy New Year.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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17 Responses to Funny Friday

  1. Terry says:

    Great stuff everybody. Good way to wrap up a fabulous year !
    Now stop me if you’ve heard this one before…
    ——————————————–
    Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday.
    Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.
    He wants those shoes so much…it’s all he can think about.
    After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

    Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.
    Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

    He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,
    ‘Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?’

    Startled, Sophia replies,
    ‘Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight. But how do you know?’

    Luigi answers,
    ‘I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?’

    Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,
    ‘ Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?’
    Rosa answers,
    ‘Yes, Luigi , I do, But how do you know that?’

    He replies,
    ‘I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.. . How do you like them?’

    Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red…He states,
    ‘Carmela, be stilla my heart…Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!’

    Carmela smiles coyly and answers,
    ‘Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight…’

    Luigi gasps,
    ‘Thanka God …I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Armani leather shoes….

  2. Whitetop says:

    Teacher is having a lesson land and economics and asks the students what they would plant if the they had 10 acres of land and why.

    Little Suzie says “I would plant my land with soybeans because my dad planted our whole farm with soybeans last year and made $25,000 profit.”

    Tommie holds up his hand and responds: “I would plant it to corn because my dad planted our farm to corn last year and sold the entire crop to the new ethanol plant and made $40,000 profit”.

    Teachers gets nervous when Johnnie holds up his hand but decides there is nothing he can say that would be out of line. Johnnie relates to the class: “I would plant it all to hair because my sister has a little patch and made $100,000 profit with it last year.”

  3. Wise Owl says:

    I wish you all and your readers a Happy New Year! May 2018 be an awesome year for us all!

  4. Popular Front says:

    That ‘Admiral’ joke is a killer! Thanks Nox and all contributors for the Funny Fridays. I never miss them and have turned some Aussie friends onto them too! Happy New Year everybody and see you in 2018! MAGA!

  5. Popular Front says:

    A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, “PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE.” That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word “Tampax” for “THUMBTACKS.” In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. “DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?”

  6. malenurseken says:

    Hahahaha all great as usual! Thanks everyone

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