Funny Friday

From Wize Owl:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.  He then put on his shoes and drove home.

‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.

‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,

‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.’

She looked down at his shoes and said: ‘You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf again!’


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby.  Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?’

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: ‘Not this time!’


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.  Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.’

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

‘I have something here you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed, ‘Schwartz is dead!’


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’

‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room.

‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied. ‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.’

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

‘Here,’ he said to the statue, ‘have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.’


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the counter and ordered a beer.

‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one penny.’

‘One penny?’ the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: ‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’

‘A quarter,’ the barman replied.

‘A quarter?’ exclaimed the man.  ‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’

The bartender replied: ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’

The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’

The bartender replied: ‘The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.’


The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’

‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied.

‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace.  I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’

‘I know,’ she replied. ‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’

—oo—

From Gil:

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”


I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”


My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.


My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.


Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!


The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.


On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.


The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.


I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.


Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!


The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was that nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

—oo—

From NavyVet:

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From Hershey:

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From Wendy:

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From Terry:












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From Ragnar:


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From Jules:


“A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.”


“I said, ‘It’s serious doctor, I’ve broken my arm in 20 places.’ He said: ‘Well stop going to those places.’ ”


“My musical knowledge is so poor I thought Kanye West was a railway station and Lana Del Rey a holiday destination.”


My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.







—oo—

From ‘Nox:
















—oo—

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

 

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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22 Responses to Funny Friday

  1. Terry says:

    LMFAO !! Great job everybody !

    ———————————————–

    A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
    “Come now,” coaxed the doctor, “you’ve been seeing me for years! There’s nothing you can’t tell me.”

    “This one’s kind of strange…”
    “Let me be the judge of that,” the doctor replied.
    “Well,” she said, “yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.”
    “I see.”
    “That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl.”
    “Uh-huh”
    “That night,” she went on, “there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You’ve got to tell me what’s wrong with me!,” she implored, “I’m scared out of my wits!”
    The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. “There, there, it’s nothing to be scared about.”
    “You’re simply going through the change.”

  2. SafeSpace says:

    Such a studly reaction to the 50 cal accident: “I’m gonna go call my mom and tell her I’m all right.” May be some years before Bubba’s pals let him forget that.

  3. vonMesser says:

    A little story to start your Christmas season in the right spirit.

    When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

    Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more because Santa and Mrs. Claus had no children (I told you why last week, remember?)

    He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

    When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

    Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.
    He went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum.

    In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

    He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

    Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

    The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’

    And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

    Not a lot of people know this.

  4. Wise Owl says:

    TGIF everyone. Have a great weekend and be thankful for this blog. Hardnox and his friends, and the readers we have here, are all top notch!

  5. Whitetop says:

    With all the “me too” accusations of sexual harassment going around these days I thought the Thank You was a nice come down to earth statement.

    The irony statement is so true. What would a liberal judge do if the people in the court didn’t stand up when he drags his fat ass into the courtroom?

  6. Jules Smith says:

    Ha! I want one of those dummys hanging off my roof! There’s nothing like instilling a bit of Christmas fear in your neighbours.

    Have a spanking weekend, my little cherubs! 🙂

  7. I miss the Sunday feel good stories