Funny Friday

From Terry:

—oo—

From Wendy:

THE FIRST MESSAGE

Hi George, This is Alan next door.

I have a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that’s no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won’t happen again.

Please suggest a fee for usage, and I’ll pay you.

Regards, Alan

THE ACTIONS

George, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he’d received a subsequent text message from his neighbor:

THE SECOND MESSAGE

Hi George, This is Alan next door again.

Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out anyway, & that you noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed ‘wi-fi’ To ‘wife’. New technology, hey?

Regards, Alan

—oo—

From Gil:

—oo—

From NavyVet:

Merry Christmas friends. With the holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience about drinking and driving. As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a “social session” with family or friends.

Well, two days ago, this happened to me: I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several scotches followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and vodka shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was way over the limit. That’s when I did something I’ve never done before —- I took a taxi home!!

Sure enough, on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before.

I don’t know where I got it, and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it. So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.

Merry Christmas to all……….

—oo—

From ‘Nox:

—oo—

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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4 Responses to Funny Friday

  1. Terry says:

    Great stuff all. Love “Walter’s Christmas” !
    I’m trying to ‘Go-Green’ this week, so I’ll just recycle a few jokes.
    ————————————————————————————————-

    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
    The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
    When she asked me why, I replied,
    “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
    That’s how the fight started…..
    _______________________________

    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
    ‘No,’ she answered.
    I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
    She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
    So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
    And that’s when the fight started…
    ________________________________
    I took my wife to a restaurant.
    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    “I’ll have the ribeye steak, rare, please.”
    He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
    “Nah, she can order for herself.”
    And that’s when the fight started…..
    _______________________________

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
    reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
    drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

    I asked her, “Do you know him?”
    “Yes”, she sighed,
    “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
    right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
    hasn’t been sober since.”
    “My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on
    celebrating that long?”
    And then the fight started…
    _______________________________

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
    boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
    downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
    would be bad all day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

    My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

    And that’s how the fight started…
    _______________________________
    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

    She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 inabout 3 seconds.”

    I bought her a bathroom scale.

    And then the fight started……
    ______________________________

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
    for Social Security.

    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to
    verify my age.

    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
    home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
    to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.

    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

    She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
    me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
    the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped
    your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’

    And then the fight started…
    ________________________________

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

    “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
    to pay me a compliment.’

    I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

    And then the fight started……..
    ________________________________

    I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day!

    The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

    He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’

    So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’

    That’s how the fight started.

  2. Frank says:

    Great stuff. Keep sending them. It makes my day. Thank you!

  3. Shar says:

    All great as usual. Need eye bleach for the Rosie and Hillary joke, yuck to both.

  4. vonMesser says:

    Do you know why Mrs Santa never had any children?

    It’s because Santa only comes once a year, and then it’s down the chimney.