Special Feature from Jules:
I had the pleasure of a visit from Jules Smith to my ranch prior to her return trip back to the UK. Turns out the Leftists in DC have been secretly breeding Unicorns and were emboldened to release them into the wilds of Virginia after their lame victory in last week’s gubernatorial election.
1. My goal for 2017 was to lose just 10 pounds … only 15 to go ….
2. Ate salad for dinner …Mostly croutons & tomatoes … Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce … And cheese.. FINE, it was a pizza… I ate a pizza.
3. How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.
4. I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web …
5. I don’t mean to brag but… I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don’t know how easy they have it… when I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented … I forgot where I was going with this.
11. I love being over 70 … I learn something new every day … and forget 5 others.
12. A thief broke into my house last night … He started searching for money … so I woke up and searched with him.
13. My dentist told me I need a Crown … I said, “You bet – pour mine over rocks.”
14. I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Money talks.. but all mine ever says is good-bye.
You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see. (I like this one)
If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “ Sag Harbor .”
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, “How much for the bronze rat?”
Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story,” said the wise old man.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story”.
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.
Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
“Ahhh,” said the owner, “You come back for story ?”
“No sir,” said the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat.
Apple computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play stereo music in women’s breast implants. The iTit, will cost between $499 and $699, depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Have a wonderful Friday.