Funny Friday

From Gil:

Funny Performance Evaluations:

(Here are some inspiring quotes taken from actual Federal Government employee performance evaluations.)

1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.”

2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”

3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”

4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”

6. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

7. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

8. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

9. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”

10. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.”

11. “A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

12. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”

15. “He’s been working with glue too much.”

16. “He would argue with a signpost.”

17. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

18. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”

19. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”

20. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”

21. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”

22. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

23. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

24. “He’s got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

25. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

26. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

27. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”

28. “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”

29. “One neuron short of a synapse.”

30. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”

31. “Takes him 2 hours to watch ’60 Minutes’.”

32. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

—oo—

From CaptBogus:

Human Resources Manager:”What is your greatest weakness?”

Old Man: “Honesty!”

Human Resources Manager:”I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”

Old Man: “I don’t give a shit what you think.















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From NavyVet:















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From Wendy:

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From Felinity:

A recent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, “Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.”

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From Diogenes:

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From Hershey:








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From Terry:








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From ‘Nox:






















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Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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9 Responses to Funny Friday

  1. All great! Thanks for the chuckles.

  2. Terry says:

    Good stuff people !!
    ———————————————————————————————————

    The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did …. she’s 21 and her name’s Lucy.

    ~ ~ ~
    Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pedophile!” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

    ~ ~ ~

    My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year! You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”
    ~~~~

    The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries !

    ~~~

    A man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead”. The operator says, “How do you know?” He says “The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”

    ~ ~ ~

    My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. Well … she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

    ~ ~ ~

    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You obviously haven’t been listening.”

    ~ ~ ~

    My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

    ~ ~ ~

    I have to run now, before Wendy reads these !

  3. SafeSpace says:

    Hilarious! Michael Moore in a burkah …. or Jabba the Hut in a trashbag. How could you tell them apart?

  4. vonMesser says:

    Susy was not the best of students, and often fell asleep in class.

    One day Susy was asleep and Sister Ann was lecturing. Sister Ann said “Susy, who created the world?” and little Tommy, sitting behind Susy came to her rescue – he jabbed Susy in the butt with a #2 pencil. Susy yelled out “God Almighty”.

    Very good, said Sister Ann, and continued with her lecture.

    A few minutes later Sister Ann again asked Susy “Who died to save our souls?” Susy, being asleep again, was ‘rescued’ by Tommy and his pencil. She jumped up and yelled “Jesus Christ”.

    Very good, said Sister Ann, and again continued with the lecture.

    Again (after Susy had gone back to sleep) Sister Ann asked Susy “What did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their 23rd child?”

    Once more, Tommy to the rescue and Susy jumped up and yelled “If you stick that thing in me once more I’ll break it in half”.

    Sister Ann fainted.

    Thus the value of a Catholic school education and a #2 sharp pencil.

  5. Shar says:

    All great as always, thanks. Love the little kid smoking the cigar.

    Happy Veterans Day to all.

  6. I know this isn’t “funny”, per se, but, really, it kinda is. Watching these libs choke on crow, having to admit “Trump may be right for us”, is almost hysterical. I had to look twice at the source…lol

    https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/is-smokey-the-bear-wrong-or-why-trump-may-just-be_us_5a05c38fe4b0ee8ec36940c7

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