Funny Friday

From Jules:

Funny Friday Special ( dare you to say I’m slacking now, ‘Nox!) Reporting live from Texas.

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From NavyVet:

“Estate Planning”:

My buddy Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.

Tom wanted two things:

• to learn how to invest his inheritance and,

• to find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men…

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From Hershey:

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy’s 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Jim took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat… And nearly drowned! Jim just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother . “Grandma,” he asked, “Tis me 18th birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?”

Granny looked deeply into Paddy’s, troubled blue eyes and said, “Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!”















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From Rad219:

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.
One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters:

“PNEIS”.

Into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

All those who answered “spine” are doctors today.

The rest of us are sending jokes out by email.

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From Terry:








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From Wendy:

DON’T WASH YOUR HAIR IN THE SHOWER
(lt’s so good to finally get a health warning that is useful)
IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT …. A WARNING
TO US ALL!!!

I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair,
the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed
very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,
“FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.”
No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well, I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dishwashing soap
instead. Its label reads, “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”
Problem solved!


A wild eyed, and butt ugly, old woman walked into a crowded bar in downtown Washington, DC waiving a pistol and yelled out;

“I have a .45 caliber Colt 1911, with a seven round magazine, plus one in the chamber. I want to know who’s been sleeping with my husband?”

A female voice from the back of the room called out, “You Need More Ammo, Hillary!”

 

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From SafeSpace:

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From Gil:










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From ‘Nox:












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Have a great Friday and a wonderful weekend.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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15 Responses to Funny Friday

  1. Deacon john says:

    Best Friday yet

  2. Terry says:

    OMG !! So much brilliant humor here ! Take a bow everyone.
    Jules, there should be a special category at the Oscars for ‘Wildlife Hunting Reporters’, but, being Hollyweird and all, I’m sure PETA would have a lot to say about that.
    My contribution will pale to all of the others, but here goes anyway :

    —————————————————————————————————————
    THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO “Hmmm”

    1. DON’T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON’T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
    2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
    3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
    4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
    5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
    6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, “WHERE’S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?” SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
    7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
    8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
    9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
    10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
    11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO “GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?”
    12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
    13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
    14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
    15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
    16. IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
    17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
    18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
    19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
    20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
    21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
    22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
    23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
    24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
    25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
    26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
    27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
    28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
    29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD ‘LISP’ TO HAVE ‘S’ IN IT?
    30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED “HEMORRHOIDS” INSTEAD OF “BUTTEROIDS”?
    31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT THEM?
    32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
    33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
    34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD ?

  3. BrianR says:

    That “Texan” unicorn hunter has a suspiciously British accent. Is he from New London, Texas, or what?

  4. SafeSpace says:

    Oooh, bad naughty Jules. Hunting over bait….that is like so totally unfair!

  5. captbogus2 says:

    I’m pretty much burned out on politics and all the bullshit but on Fridays I can still get a grin or two from Funny Friday.
    Thanks, ‘Nox.

    • I.R. Wayright says:

      I’m with you Capt. All I live for is the day Hillary gets that striped suit that comes with cuffs. Screw Muller, Brazille, Wasserman/Shitz, Schumer, Pelosi, Obama, Soros and all the other creeps we have had to put up with for so long. May they all rot in hell, and the sooner the better.

  6. Dawn says:

    Everything is closing in. Donna Brazile needs to hire a food taster. So much more coming out to destroy the clintons and EXprezboy barry soetoro barack hussein frank marshall davis, jr. obama. Buy popcorn!

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