Funny Friday

From I.R. Wayright:

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.  I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”

No one moved.  The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?  Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart, you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”  Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.  Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

—oo—

From Captbogus (aka Buck):

Brilliant answers from NFL players:

  • Here’s a sampling of responses to the question “What are you protesting by kneeling during the National Anthem?”
  • “Pretty sure it’s against Nazis – especially the white ones.”
  • “We’re protesting America becoming capitalistic instead of equal.”
  • “I’m protesting against Trump saying black lives don’t matter.”
  • “We’re against global warming and the police.”
  • “We’re showing the world that we care about, ahh, things such as… such as…ahhhhh, freedom from suppression?”
  • “Me and my fellow players are protesting the Constitution of Independence because of what it does to people of color.”
  • “We are displaying our right to stand up by kneeling for our beliefs.”
  • “We are protesting Trump, because he, you know, keeping the black man down and sh*t.”
  • “Myself is kneeling to show that just because I’m American don’t mean I got to act like one.”

—oo—

From Ragnar:


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From both Hershey and  SafeSpace:

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From Wendy:

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From Terry:







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From Gil:

The Girl Across the Street

She’s single… She lives right across the street. I can see her place
from my kitchen window. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I
was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked
on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, “I just got home, and I have
this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid
tonight. Are you doing anything?”

I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”
“Great,” she said. “Can you watch my dog?”

Being a senior citizen really sucks!

 



On the first day, God created the dog and said, “sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

And God again said that it was good

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer
all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it”

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch.

—oo—

From Blessed B:

My cousin was hauling a load of rolled sod to Texas …
Gets pulled over by Louisiana state trooper …
Trooper walks up to the door …
My cousin: “Can I help you officer?”
Trooper: “I was just wondering where the Willie Nelson concert was being held at?”

—oo—

From Jules:

Nada… pfttt….

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From ‘Nox:



















Merrica
















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Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

 

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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18 Responses to Funny Friday

  1. Terry says:

    The best in Friday entertainment, right here on N&F !!

    _________________________________________________________________

    A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
    She was still feeling bloated from lunch, so she was fearful of farting in front of her date, who hadn’t arrived yet.
    It wasn’t long before she actually did let one out, but she managed to cover up the sound with a fake cough.
    She continued waiting for her date to arrive, but wanted to make sure everything was perfect.

    As she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
    Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands “Stop that!”
    The waiter looks at her dryly and says “Certainly, madam. Which way was it headed?”

  2. I.R. Wayright says:

    You were on a roll until that bottom picture.
    What was Weiner thinking? “I hope nobody figures out what I’m really like.”

  3. whitetop says:

    The SS Admin. is a little confused on the definition of benefit. How true the flag picture where people hate American but love our benefits. Benefits include free medical care, medicine, food stamps, housing, education and the list goes on. The SS Admin has the balls to refer to SS checks as a benefit. It seems like people who receive SS paid into the system for many years as did their employers. The employer paid is actually counted as a benefit in their overhead calculation. So where is the benefit? People actually receive money back they paid in to the biggest ponzi scheme ever developed. I guess I’m just confused in my old age.

  4. captbogus2 says:

    Remember those comments from the NFL players all came from supposedly college educated minds….

  5. Jules Smith says:

    What?!! Pfft… I’m busy staving off Mexicans and Indians and trying to bring some decorum back to this here land! I ain’t got time to be funny. There’s snakes in this desert – do you eat those too along with your emu steaks? Nice…

    Great stuff here as usual! 🙂 Have a spanking weekend you lot 🙂

    • Terry says:

      RAAACCCIIIISSSSTTTT !

      You bet you eat those snakes. They can be prepared in many of the same ways as the emu dishes I mentioned in my comment on your Golden Virginia post. Same with the prairie dogs.

      • Jules Smith says:

        I now realise why America was propelled to the highfalutin, power house of the world. I expect to see snakes on sticks ( oo-er missus) covered in real cheddar cheese from a spray can next time I visit a state fair. Call the Michelin Star board immediately!

    • Hardnox says:

      Yeah… pfttt! Vacationing is no excuse not to participate in Funny Friday activities.

      Mexicans and Injuns??? Where are you? San Antonio? Bwhahahahhaha.

      Steer, chickens, pigs, snakes, emus, prairie dogs… meat is meat. I’ll take meat over British suet anyday. ‘Merrican food on a stick. I told you before, the only reason for the entire British Empire was for cuisine because Brit food sucks. 🙂 That’s a universal fact. Even Martians know it.

      • Jules Smith says:

        I am not vacationing, I’m exploring and reporting – there’s a vast difference! I’m actually collecting snakes in New Mexico where I plan to convert an old airstream into a roadside diner serving chicken fried snake ‘n’ chips. When in Rome…
        That’s proper chips should you get confused. The sort made from taters, served in newspaper with salt and vinegar and batter bits. Proper food, not made from chemical experiment or by collecting roadkill or field vermin. Time for some re-education! 😉

        • Terry says:

          You’d better toss those greasy ‘chips’ and replace them with smashed ‘taters smothered in gravy if you expect to have any success.

      • Wendy says:

        Oh Lord! Scottish food is gross and drenched in grease!! Ask Terry, he used to be a Commercial Diver, and was once in Scotland!!! So much for my love of the OUTLANDER series. Glad they show a ton of sex and very little food in between!!!

  6. Shar says:

    All great, thanks. Loved the mouth guard and boy scout. Have a great weekend.

  7. Uriel says:

    My favorite was the explanation of our years lol it makes so much sense I’m worried I am a new millennial.

  8. Gunny G says:

    Obama stopped in to see a family while on the campaign trail.
    Sitting on the couch talking about himself he felt a small gas bubble
    and squeaked out a tiny fart. Satisfied that no one hear it, he continued to talk about himself. Once again came a gas bubble and he farted. The man of the house yelled at the dog laying next to the couch…

    “SPOT!”

    Obama was relieved and could not believe his luck. Another gab bubble, another fart, and another, “SPOT!” This happened twice more and finally Obama ripped a doozy and the man of the house yelled, “SPOT! Get the hell away from him before he shits on you!”

  9. Popular Front says:

    I must be getting very old. I find the PPsH41 much more interesting than the girl holding it.