From I.R. Wayright:
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”
No one moved. The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart, you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.” Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
From Captbogus (aka Buck):
Brilliant answers from NFL players:
- Here’s a sampling of responses to the question “What are you protesting by kneeling during the National Anthem?”
- “Pretty sure it’s against Nazis – especially the white ones.”
- “We’re protesting America becoming capitalistic instead of equal.”
- “I’m protesting against Trump saying black lives don’t matter.”
- “We’re against global warming and the police.”
- “We’re showing the world that we care about, ahh, things such as… such as…ahhhhh, freedom from suppression?”
- “Me and my fellow players are protesting the Constitution of Independence because of what it does to people of color.”
- “We are displaying our right to stand up by kneeling for our beliefs.”
- “We are protesting Trump, because he, you know, keeping the black man down and sh*t.”
- “Myself is kneeling to show that just because I’m American don’t mean I got to act like one.”
From both Hershey and SafeSpace:
The Girl Across the Street
She’s single… She lives right across the street. I can see her place
from my kitchen window. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I
was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked
on the door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, “I just got home, and I have
this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid
tonight. Are you doing anything?”
I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”
“Great,” she said. “Can you watch my dog?”
Being a senior citizen really sucks!
On the first day, God created the dog and said, “sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
And God said that it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God again said that it was good
On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer
all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it”
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch.
From Blessed B:
My cousin was hauling a load of rolled sod to Texas …
Gets pulled over by Louisiana state trooper …
Trooper walks up to the door …
My cousin: “Can I help you officer?”
Trooper: “I was just wondering where the Willie Nelson concert was being held at?”
Have a great Friday.