Funny Friday

From NavyVet:

My boss, who is on vacation, phoned me today. He said, “Is everything OK at the office?” I said “It’s all under control. It’s been a very busy day. I haven’t stopped to take a break all day.”

“Can you do me a favor?” he asked.

I said, “Of course, What is it?”

“Pick up the pace a little. I’m in the foursome behind you.”

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From Wendy:

A father told each of his three children when he sent them to off to college, “I feel it’s my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die”.

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor and a financial planner – each very successful financially. His daughter went into law and pursued a career in government. When their father’s time had come, as they saw their father in the coffin, each remembered his wish.

First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer’s turn. She reached into her purse and took out her checkbook, then wrote a check for $3,000, put it into her father’s coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.  You probably recall that she was defeated last November in the 2016 Presidential Election….

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From Felinity:














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From Gil:

She’s single… She lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight. Are you doing anything?”

I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”

“Great,” she said. “Can you watch my dog?”


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From Earl:

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From Jules (in Britain):






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From ‘Nox:








Following sexual assault allegations, Harvey Weinstein checked into a treatment facility.









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Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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18 Responses to Funny Friday

  1. TONYA PARNELL says:

    LOVE TRUMP 45

  2. Terry says:

    Great stuff as usual !
    btw Jules…the bowl looks more appetizing than whatever is in it 😉

    ________________________________________________

    “Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60 year-old man. “You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing happens.”
    “Ah, that’s nothin,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.”
    “Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”
    “Do you have trouble peeing, too?” asked the 60-year old.
    “No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”
    “So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?”
    “No, I have one every morning at 6:30.”
    Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, “You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so bad about being 80?”
    “I don’t wake up till 7:00.”
    —————————————————————————————————————–

    A science teacher asked her students “Children, if you could own one mineral, what would it be?

    One boy said, “I would choose gold. It’s worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette.”
    Another boy said, “I would want platinum because it’s worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.”

    The teacher said, “Johnny, What would you want?
    Johnny said, “I would want silicone.”
    “Why would you want silicone?” Asked the teacher

    “Well my mom invested in some, he replied, “and there’s always a Porsche or Corvette sitting in our driveway.”

    —————————————————————————————————————–
    I know a bad Muslim, Akim
    I throw tomatoes at him
    Tomatoes are soft and don’t hurt the skin
    But these f**kers do
    Cos they’re still in the tin!

  3. Jules Smith says:

    Heh! Needed that laugh today! Excellent entries.

    Terry – That bowl is called a Yorkshire pudding. Proper nice. Why have plates to wash up when you can eat ’em?! 🙂 #British Ingenuity

  4. captbogus2 says:

    I’ve tried a number of English dishes and I can pretty safely say English cooking is definitely not on the world’s best cusine list.

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