Funny Friday

From Terry:
















 

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From Gil:

A young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship with her husband) presumably did it as a joke Then she got a reply which was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people’s love advice was hilarious and genius!

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate.

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue):

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6..1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck!

—oo—

From Hershey:

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, ” Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.” He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It has to be your ears.”

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28-inch waist. Look at my skin – not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?”

Clearing his throat, he stammered… “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me.”


 

These books hold the world record for the shortest stories, and you must have a pretty good long-term memory and be well informed to fully appreciate the humor.  Just remember some of these are very, very short books.

 

World’s Shortest Books

MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS

By Tiger Woods

——–

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda, Cindy Sheehan
& Michelle Obama
Illustrated by Michael Moore

Foreword by George Soros

——–

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By “The Rev Jesse Jackson” &
“The Rev Al Sharpton”

——–

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton

——–

Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton

——–

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates

——–

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman

——–

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry

——–

GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
By Amelia Earhart

——–

HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
By Dr. Jack Kevorkian

——–

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O’Donnell

——–

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson

——–

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

——–

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson & Casey Anthony

——–

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy

——–

MY BOOK ON MORALS
By Bill Clinton
With introduction by
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
And foreword by
Tiger Woods with John Edwards

——–

HOW TO WIN A SUPER BOWL
By the Minnesota Vikings

——–

 

And the shortest book of them all………………

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
By Barack Obama

—oo—

From Navyvet:

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing’.

‘What do they say?’ the priest asked.

They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’

‘That’s obscene!’ the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment……

‘You know,’ he said, ‘I may have a solution to your problem.  I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible…

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the Cage with Francis and Simon. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying…. that phrase… in no time…’

‘Thank you,’ the woman responded, ‘this may very well be the solution.’

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s The house…..

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying…

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them…

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’

There was stunned silence…

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, ‘Put the beads away, Frank.   Our prayers have been answered!

—oo—

From von Messer:










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From Jules:

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From ‘Nox:






















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Have a great Friday… Lefty heads are exploding everywhere. 

It’s a wonderful time to be alive.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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4 Responses to Funny Friday

  1. Terry says:

    Another plethora of humorous musings !
    —————————————————————

    A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn’t get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked,
    “Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having sex?”
    “Well, yes, I did once.”
    “And how did she look?”
    “Oh boy, she looked very angry!”
    At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.
    “Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?”
    “She was watching us through the window.”
    —————————————————————-
    Three tourists were driving through Wales.
    As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyll on the Welsh island of Anglesey, They started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name.
    “LLan-fair-poo-wee…” said the first.
    “No no – it’s llan-fair-pi-well…” argued the second.
    “I think we need to ask a local about this,” the third sighed.
    They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
    As they stood at the counter, the third asked the blonde employee:
    “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?”
    “Sure!” said the girl behind the counter. She leaned toward them and said:
    “Burrrrr-gerrrrr-Kinnnnng.”

  2. Shar says:

    Hey watch it. I only drive like that backing up.

    All great, thanks.