Funny Friday

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From NavyVet:

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me, It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over. ‘To check my Sister’s wedding- invitations’ she said.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn’t overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said “Before you commit your life to my sister”.

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom” she said, “if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me”.

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my fiancé’s entire family was standing outside, all clapping and cheering!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me. He said, ‘Frankie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son.’

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

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From Gil:

Two Mexican Detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

“How was he killed?” asked one detective.

“With a golf gun.” The other detective replied.

“A golf gun! What is a golf gun?”

“I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.”


Eight Words With Two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female….. Any part under a car’s hood.
Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male….. Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male.. Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female….. A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female…. An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female….. The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male….. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes

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From Jules (in the UK):







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From Earl:

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From Hershey:











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from Blessed B (in Canada)

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From Terry:

















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From ‘Nox:













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(Thanks to everyone for their contributions)

Have a great Friday and a better weekend.

~ Hardnox

 

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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21 Responses to Funny Friday

  1. Terry says:

    I LOVE the smell of Funny Fridays in the morning !!
    Great stuff everybody !
    I haven’t picked on blonduhs lately, so here goes :
    —————————————
    A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun.
    She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.
    Well, the blond is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
    The boyfriend yells “No, honey, don’t do it.”
    The blond replies “Shut up, you’re next.”
    ——————————————
    There were 10 blondes and 1 brunette hanging on a rope in the mountains.
    The rope was very weak and the brunette said someone had to let go.
    No one volunteered, until the brunette finally said she would let go, and gave a heart-felt speech before she plunged to her likely death.
    Hearing this the blondes started clapping…
    ——————–
    One day 2 blondes decided to drive to Disneyland. When they saw a sign that said “Disneyland left” they turned around and went home.
    —————–
    A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park.
    A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, “I’m hanging myself.”
    “You’re supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist,” said the onlooker.
    “I tried that,” replied the blonde, “but I couldn’t breathe.”
    ——————————————
    A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up.
    The husband said, “Who was that?”
    The wife said, “I don’t know; some woman wanting to know ‘if the coast is clear’.”
    ————————————————-
    What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
    Run. She still has the grenade in her mouth.
    ———————————-

    Hope everyone’s day is “In the vicinity of Dandyhood” !

  2. Shar says:

    All great. Thanks. Loved the 3 stooges followed by a great cup of DJT joe.

  3. SafeSpace says:

    The little toinky electric car being recharged with a gas-powered generator: PRICELESS.

  4. I.R. Wayright says:

    True story…..
    When I was a kid, the phone rang very early in the morning.
    The caller said, “Tell Joe he has to go to work for Sam this morning.” “Sam is sick and can’t make it.”
    My Mom said she had a wrong number and hung up, then went back to bed.
    Just as she settled in under the covers, the phone rang again.
    Same as before the caller pleaded with her to tell Joe he had to go to work to fill in for her sick husband.
    Mom trudged back upstairs and laid down again. A minute later, sure enough, the same lady rang our phone again.
    This time, my Dad went down and listened to the distraught woman.
    He told her, “Okay, I’m on my way.”
    Ten he crawled back in bed for some more peace and quiet.

  5. vonMesser says:

    I have a dummy claymore. It’s gonna become a hitch cover. Thanks for the idea.

  6. Pingback: Friday Fun – IOTW Report

  7. malenurseken says:

    Hahahaha Thanks. I needed these laughs

  8. Jules Smith says:

    On a completely separate note, what I wanna know is this:
    Why have Blessed B and myself got our countries marked next to our name all of a sudden? Is it because we both have the Queen on our money or something and it’s a mark of respect? Are you trying to apologise for our warped or slightly off beat humour? Embarrassment, maybe?!! I’m curious. Why hasn’t anyone else got Merrica next to their name, eh? Or whatever classy, place they live in? In future, I’d like to have a Union Jack as well as a George Cross (for England) next to my name too. If you’re gonna do it, do it properly….honestly…

    Apart from that, Loved it, thanks 🙂

  9. Terry says:

    Jules you must understand that we identify your countries as a disclaimer…..we can NOT be responsible for foreign humor.
    However, because we like you, we will post the Union Jack next to your name from now on.
    Please choose the one you would like :

    http://www.firestonebeer.com/images/responsive-image.php?UJ_header.jpg
    or…
    https://i.annihil.us/u/prod/marvel/i/mg/9/30/4bb6b725f1d09/background.jpg
    or….
    https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/1549/8153/products/union_jack_flag_budgy_smuggler_back_a8e84393-1833-4cd9-98c9-a185f96ec106.jpg?v=1504491297

    BB…would you like to pick a Canadian flag ?

    • Jules Smith says:

      Terry, you can’t make disclaimers against the MOTHERLAND. In respect of such, the latter picture is MADE for you and I expect to see it next to your moniker 🙂 I will take the knife wielding, gun slinging, union clad, firestone drinking superhero because, well, that’s a given 🙂