Funny Friday

From Gil:

Recent studies found average golfers walk 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means, on average, golfers get 41 miles to the gallon!

Kind of makes you proud. Almost makes you feel like a hybrid. . .


 


—oo—

From Navy Vet:

Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water-cooler the next morning.

When Debra came in with a horrible hangover after partying all night, she went directly to the cooler to take an aspirin.

I approached her and said, “Debra, I’ve never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”

“Could you jack-off for now?” she replied. “I feel like shit. If you can wait, I’ll do you at lunchtime.”

I had to let Jack go.

—oo—

From Brad:

—oo—

From Hershey:

Better to be thought an IDIOT than to open your mouth and remove all doubt! Hard to believe that these people are considered “leaders” !!
















—oo—

From Wendy:


 

When Insults Had Class…  These glorious insults are from an era “ before” the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, Sir, ” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”


“He had delusions of adequacy .” -Walter Kerr


“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – – Winston Churchill


“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow


“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)


“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” -Moses Hadas


“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain


“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde


“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill


“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response


“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop


“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright


“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb


“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”- Samuel Johnson


“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating


“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand


“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker


“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain


“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West


“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde


“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)


“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder


“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

—oo—

From ‘Nox:

























—oo—

Thanks to everyone for their contributions.

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
Tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to Funny Friday

  1. Terry says:

    Some really good ones today !
    I got nada 🙁

  2. I.R. Wayright says:

    What is so funny about the last one?
    (Wayright owns 3 motorcycles.)

  3. Adrienne says:

    Good job, Hardnox

  4. Uriel says:

    Absolutely love those older sarcasim replies…talk about a total disconnect between then and now….

    • Hardnox says:

      I did too. Some people know how to insult and make you almost feel good about it.

      • Popular Front says:

        Even wittier, they could insult you in plain english without the need to salt it with profanity. One of my all-time favourites is:

        Lady Astor: Winston if you were my husband I’d poison your coffee
        Sir Winston Churchill: Madam if I was your husband I’d drink it!

  5. HN; I loved your Hispanic video especially. Almost lost my coffee on it. All great, though.
    Thanks for the laughs, everyone! Enjoy your weekend!