Funny Friday


From Gil:

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love… I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry… How soon can I go home?’


Men Are Just Happier People!

What do you expect from such simple creatures?  Your last name stays put.  The garage is all yours.  Wedding plans take care of themselves.  Chocolate is just another snack.  You can never be pregnant.  You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.  You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress – $5,000. Tux rental – $100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes – one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!


NICKNAMES

1. If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate, and Sarah.

2. If Mike, Dave, and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wildman.


EATING OUT

1. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave, and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

2. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.


BATHROOMS

1. A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

2. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.  A heterosexual man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS

1. A woman has the last word in any argument.

2. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE

1. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

2. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


MARRIAGE

1. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
2. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.


DRESSING UP

1. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

2. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL

1. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

2. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

1. Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

2. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

oo

From SafeSpace:

A conversation between two older gentlemen sitting at a bar:

The first says, “You know, we’ve been friends for years, decades even. We’ve been coming here on Friday afternoons for just about forever. But I hate to admit it: I just cannot remember your name.”

The second replies, “Well…. How soon do you need to know?”



Recycling station for senior men

—oo—

From Hershey:

Perks of turning 70…

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, “You’re kinda cute. You gotta phone number?”

I said, “Yeah, you gotta pen?”

She said, “Yeah, I got a pen”.

I said, “You better get back in it before the farmer misses you.”


I went to the drug store and told the clerk “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”

Lady Clerk: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”

I said “Nah… She’s purty good lookin’…..”


I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.

She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”

I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”


I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born by feeling her breasts.

“Really,” she said, “Go on then…try.”

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, “Come on, what day was I born?”

I said, “Yesterday.”


I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, “Good legs.”

The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so?”

I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.”

Cost me 6 more stitches, but…

When you’re seventy……………who cares?

—oo—

From NavyVet:

When Obama signed the bill that allowed gays to serve openly in the military (trans-genders as well). No more don’t-ask-don’t-tell. But what he really did was cause confusion in the ranks that could easily cost Marine lives. We know Marines are trained to immediately obey orders.

So imagine: You’re a Marine in a combat situation; ISIS is firing at you and running toward your position & the guy next to you is openly gay… ….then your platoon leader yells…“Shoot the cocksuckers!”

See the confusion here?

oo

From Terry:










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From Jules:

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From David:













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From ‘Nox:














meanwhile in Chicago…




oo

Thanks to everyone for their contributions.

Have a great Friday.

~  Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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16 Responses to Funny Friday

  1. Ragnar says:

    Yes it sounds like a good idea to import Swedish women, see picture above, instead of mooslims; however, you would increase the libtard pool, who would than want to increase the number of mooslims to immigrate to the US. So……..I propose that we vet all the Swedish women and only allow those conservatives to immigrate. HA there is always a solution to a problem…Good call….

  2. Jules Smith says:

    Wow. Men really do have it easier don’t they? – but, then they make the mistake of living with women. HAHAHAHAHAHA *Stupid*

    No babies?! LOL.

    Ahem….I like guns and hunting…..*crickets*

    Thanks for the laughs. Now off to celebrate my comeback! Y’all have a spanking weekend, ‘Merrrricans.

    • I.R. Wayright says:

      I’ll bet you have a pink rifle.

      • Jules Smith says:

        Actually no. But please feel free to buy me one! However, if I did own a pink rifle it would still hurt like a mother****** when I shot someone! #DontPissOnThePowerOfPink 😉

        • I.R. Wayright says:

          LOL, I had a Remington 7mm Ultra Magnum. 7 shots through that thing and my shoulder was ready for some therapy. Ammo was $1.62 a round when i bought it. Don’t know what is is now but it is hard to find. I sold it to a collector who hasn’t fired it yet.

          • Jules Smith says:

            $1.62?! You don’t get those kinda bargains at Walmart anymore! (Still, I’ve noticed juicy steaks are getting cheaper in Trump’s America – good for shoulder therapy ;))

  3. clyde says:

    Good shit. You all outdid yourselves.

  4. SafeSpace says:

    Hey Hershey: Gimme the address of your VFW!

  5. vonmesser says:

    Why do they call it “boob sweat”?
    Wouldn’t “humiditties” be a better word?

  6. vonmesser says:

    I threatened to buy a pink AR for my youngest daughter. She informed me that its first use would be on me. She got a black and olive one.

  7. Terry says:

    Sorry I’m late to the part. I only have time to offend a few people.
    ———————————————————————————-

    There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
    The bartender asks, “What’s the matter?”
    The man says, “I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend.”
    The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
    The bartenders asks, “What’s wrong this time?”
    The man says, “I found out that my son is gay.”
    The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
    Then the bartender asks, “Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?”
    The man looks up and says tearfully, “Apparently my wife does.”

    ———————————————————-
    Q: How can you tell if you’re in a gay church?
    A: Only half the congregation is kneeling.

    ———————————————————–

    I’m so tired of racial stereotypes.
    Not every Arab makes bombs…some of them make Slurpees.

    ——————————————————
    Tyrone’ s 1st day in the first grade he comes home crying.
    When his mother ask why he replies,
    “The teacher told us to say our abc’ s and all the little white boys could say them and I could only get to e. Why is that?”
    Mom says “’cause u black and they white.”

    Next day Tyrone is crying again .
    “What’s wrong today Tyrone” his mother asks.
    Tyrone said “Teacher told us to count to 100 and all the little white boys did but I could only get to 10. Why is that?”
    Mom says “’cause u black and they white.”

    Next day he comes home smiling.
    “What happened today Tyrone?”
    Tyrone says “Mama we went to the bathroom and my thing was biggest of all . Is that cause I’m black and they white ?”
    Mama says “No Tyrone, it’s ’cause you is 17 and they is 6.”

    __________________________________________________________________

    More bigotry next time !
    Have a Great Weekend !