Funny Friday

From Gil:

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside them.

“Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, the Mother Superior turns to Sister Martha and says, “I don’t think they know who we are. Show them your cross.”

Sister Martha rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”

Sister Martha then rolls up her window, looks back at the Mother Superior and quite innocently asks – “Did that sound cross enough?”


A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.

Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

I have some good news and some bad news”, the surgeon tells him.

“The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm”!

Oh God no”!, the man cries, “My golfing is over! Please Doc., what’s the good news”?

Well, the good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm and I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant”.

“Go for it doc.”, he pleads, “as long as I can play golf again”.

The operation went well and a year later, the man was out on the golf course, when he bumped into the surgeon.

“Hi, how’s the new arm”?, the surgeon asks. “Just great”, the golfer replies, “I’m playing the best golf of my life.

My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved”.

“That’s great”, said the surgeon.

“Not only that”, the golfer went on, “my handwriting has improved”.

I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes, and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in water colors”.

“That’s unbelievable!”, the surgeon said. “I’m glad to hear the transplant was such a great success.

Are you having any side effects”?

“Well, just two really”!!! the golfer told him. “I have trouble reversing, parallel parking, and every time I have an erection I get a headache”!


When my friend goes to her ATM, or anywhere else, she always takes along her Smith & Wesson.  She has never had any problems with muggers, panhandlers, street punks or attorneys.

Smith is on the left.





—oo—

From Felinity: (none of these are funny 🙂 )

MEN JOKES

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’

‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’

He yelled back, ‘ OHIO STATE !’

And they say blondes are dumb….


A couple is lying in bed. The man says, ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world…’

The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…… ‘.


‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..’Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’

‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.


Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor


Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.

AMEN


Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.


Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.


Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.


Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder ‘Instruction Manuals’

—oo—

From Wendy:

A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse came into his room, ready to give him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse,” he mumbled from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replied: “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body.”

He struggled to ask again: “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from concern about his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers.

She raised his gown, held his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she took a close look and said: “No sir, they aren’t. And I assure you, there’s nothing wrong with them!!”

The man weakly pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said, very slowly:

“Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely….

“A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k?”

—oo—

From Hershey:

This is amazing!

This is the Best, Most Interesting English Lesson I have had to date.

Did you know “listen” and “silent” use the same letters?

Do you know that the word “racecar” spelled backwards still spells “racecar”?

And that “eat” is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense “ate”?

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in “illegal immigrants,” and add just a few more letters, it spells:

“Go home you free-loading, benefit- grabbing, resource-sucking, non-English-speaking assholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-shagging, raggedy-ass bastards with you.”

How weird is that?

—oo—

From the Patriot Post:





—oo—

From Earl:

picked


tony whacked


gopiggies


even better deal


mccain


sgt.dock

From Terry:










—oo—

From vonMesser:


—oo—

From I.R. Wayright:


—oo—

From Hershey:








—oo—

From ‘Nox:


 
















(Thanks to everyone for their contributions… had a bumper crop this week)

Have a great Friday,

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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19 Responses to Funny Friday

  1. Felinity says:

    We all must’ve taken massive doses of Niagara at the same time; such a veritable FLOOD of funnies! I’m sharing this page!

    Some of you may recall my writing about one of my customers who thought she was eating samples of boar’s head…and she’s a regular shopper at the store which offers Boar’s Head deli items.

    Well, I recently flushed out a lib-tard at the same store: While stationed at my table, I made a good-humored but mildly acidic comment to a well-heeled female customer about how some shoppers insist on walking to the back of the table where I’m standing (often with a hot appliance) despite the full-front retail-customer display and food safety/ hygiene rules.

    She eyed me intently and replied in a somewhat lofty tone, “In light of your relating that, I’m sure YOU didn’t vote for Trump.”

    I looked her right (!) in the eye, said that was an amazing non-sequitur, and that I sure *had* voted for Trump.

    She smirked as she rejoined, “Any regrets?”

    Me: “None whatsoever. What about you? And how about some tasty samples?”

    She walked away quickly…and avoided my path when I saw her the next time.

    Boar’s Head: 5
    Butt Head: 0

  2. Terry says:

    Although there is no visible proof of it, MY memes were the best !! LOL
    Felinity : Get back in the kitchen !
    Wendy : True story.
    ____________________________________

    Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
    “Wow…that looks deep.” “Sure does… toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is.”
    They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait… no noise.
    “Jeeez. That is REALLY deep… here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.”
    They pick up a couple of football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait… and wait. Nothing.

    They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, “Hey…over here in the weeds, there’s a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it’s GOTTA make some noise.”
    The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

    Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it’s legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
    The two men are astonished with what they’ve just seen…

    Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
    “Hey… you two guys seen my goat out here?”
    “You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!”
    “Nah”, says the farmer, “That couldn’t have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”
    ————————————————————————————————

    One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she’s wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, “Where did you get that necklace?”
    She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”

    The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, “Where did you get the bracelet?”
    She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”

    The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, “I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?”
    She replies, “Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”

    Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, “HEY! There’s only an inch of water in the tub!”
    He replies, “I didn’t want you to get your raffle ticket wet!”

  3. Jules Smith says:

    I must have the mind of an Irish navvy. When I first started reading the joke about the man having his arm replaced with a woman’s, I didn’t expect him to worry about not playing golf again but instead be delighted at …errr.. forget it…

    Ha! Felinity….funny.

    And Wendy’s – hilarious.

    Top stuff as per…but…

    For some reason, I’m not seeing all the infographics. Maybe this is just a personal assault on English technology or others have the same issue. Answers on a post card, please.

  4. vonMesser says:

    It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

    After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time
    for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist!

    Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

    “Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time.” said Claude.

    The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat
    pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

    “I want you to keep your eyes on this watch,” said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

    “It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations,” said Claude.

    He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting

    “Watch the watch — Watch the watch —-Watch the watch”

    The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

    The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

    A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

    They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

    The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact”

    “SHIT” said Claude.

    It took them three days to clean up the Senior Citizens’ Center.

    And Claude has never invited back again.

  5. Many of the pictures are not showing up for me – I loaded the page a couple of times with the same result

  6. Wise Owl says:

    TGIF!

  7. Shar says:

    A lot missing for me as well. The ones I did get are great, thanks. Love the deer at the end.

  8. Terry says:

    The Russians have hacked into Funny Friday !!

  9. vonMesser says:

    All now showing except one – the one after HITLER YOUTH and before GROW A PAIR.

  10. malenurseken says:

    Great jokes and toons! Had a great laugh thanks.

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