A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside them.
“Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, the Mother Superior turns to Sister Martha and says, “I don’t think they know who we are. Show them your cross.”
Sister Martha rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”
Sister Martha then rolls up her window, looks back at the Mother Superior and quite innocently asks – “Did that sound cross enough?”
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
I have some good news and some bad news”, the surgeon tells him.
“The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm”!
Oh God no”!, the man cries, “My golfing is over! Please Doc., what’s the good news”?
Well, the good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm and I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant”.
“Go for it doc.”, he pleads, “as long as I can play golf again”.
The operation went well and a year later, the man was out on the golf course, when he bumped into the surgeon.
“Hi, how’s the new arm”?, the surgeon asks. “Just great”, the golfer replies, “I’m playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved”.
“That’s great”, said the surgeon.
“Not only that”, the golfer went on, “my handwriting has improved”.
I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes, and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in water colors”.
“That’s unbelievable!”, the surgeon said. “I’m glad to hear the transplant was such a great success.
Are you having any side effects”?
“Well, just two really”!!! the golfer told him. “I have trouble reversing, parallel parking, and every time I have an erection I get a headache”!
When my friend goes to her ATM, or anywhere else, she always takes along her Smith & Wesson. She has never had any problems with muggers, panhandlers, street punks or attorneys.
Smith is on the left.
From Felinity: (none of these are funny 🙂 )
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’
‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’
He yelled back, ‘ OHIO STATE !’
And they say blondes are dumb….
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world…’
The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…… ‘.
‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..’Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’
‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder ‘Instruction Manuals’
A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse came into his room, ready to give him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,” he mumbled from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replied: “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body.”
He struggled to ask again: “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from concern about his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers.
She raised his gown, held his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she took a close look and said: “No sir, they aren’t. And I assure you, there’s nothing wrong with them!!”
The man weakly pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said, very slowly:
“Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely….
“A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k?”
This is amazing!
This is the Best, Most Interesting English Lesson I have had to date.
Did you know “listen” and “silent” use the same letters?
Do you know that the word “racecar” spelled backwards still spells “racecar”?
And that “eat” is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense “ate”?
Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in “illegal immigrants,” and add just a few more letters, it spells:
“Go home you free-loading, benefit- grabbing, resource-sucking, non-English-speaking assholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-shagging, raggedy-ass bastards with you.”
How weird is that?
From the Patriot Post:
From I.R. Wayright:
(Thanks to everyone for their contributions… had a bumper crop this week)
Have a great Friday,