Our inside sources here at Hardnox have learned that OJ Simpson, released today on parole from a California prison, may have accepted an offer of employment from John Podesta. Acting in his official capacity as consiglieri to Hillary Rodham and William Jefferson Clinton, Podesta is believed to have signed Simpson as an “enforcer”, and plans to give The Juice the names of several annoying and talkative conservatives who have proven to be a thorn in the sides of Hillary and Bill.
Simpson is thought to have inked an annual contract with a renewal option, which will be exercised based on OJ’s success in silencing anyone who exposes the Clinton Crime Family’s efforts to embezzle funds from both the American and foreign governments. Our undercover source believes he heard Podesta comment that both Clintons were impressed with Simpson’s remarkable arrogance, with his utter contempt for justice, and with his superb skill at playing the courts of law and of public opinion like a cheap fiddle. “And he doesn’t even need botox”, Podesta remarked.
According to Podesta, Hillary is said to be particularly enamored of OJ’s talents, including his ability to play the race card and gain fawning media approval. “That man can lie with the straightest face I’ve ever seen”, she commented, adding that “he makes me look like a piker”. Podesta himself is said to have expressed hope that Simpson might be able to dissuade some of the commenters who have dared to interfere with the Clinton’s lucrative trade involving underage boys and girls.
OJ’s first assignment is thought to involve a “visit” to members of the Haitian legal system. If OJ is able to acquit himself successfully overseas, our source says that OJ is likely to be given higher-profile assignments in the metro DC area.
Simpson’s attorneys have commented that OJ’s ability to “obtain gainful employment within hours of his release” underscores Simpson’s obvious eligibility for parole.
Our sources also learned that Geraldo Rivera has been tasked by his overseers at Fox News with following OJ’s every move, and breathlessly reporting it to his audience (which measures in the hundreds).
— SafeSpace —