Funny Friday

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Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase “You Gotta Be Shittin Me?”

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington’s boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, ‘General, I see lights ahead.’ They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn’t know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, ‘Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.’

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, ‘Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?’

Washington replied, ‘Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .’

And the Madam said, ‘You gotta be shittin me.’

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Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

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Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

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Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”

The priest said, “Here comes the greenskeeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free any time!”

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

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Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

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Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”

The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

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Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”

Another said “It must have been an electrical engineer because the system has many thousands of electrical connections.”

The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

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Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe if it ain’t broke it doesn’t have enough parts to it.

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Story of Two Engineers:

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

“We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said one of the engineers, “but we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, “Twenty one feet, six inches,” and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, “A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as members of Congress.

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Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”

In a recent survey carried out for the leading toiletries firm ‘Brut’, people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of Chicago’s inner city residents (almost all of whom are registered Democrats) say that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn’t been to prison yet.

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“Sorry, you’re going to pay for your own national defense from now on”









 

(Special thanks to vonMesser, Captbogus, Skip, and Earl for their contributions)

Have a great Friday and a better weekend…. and don’t forget to piss-off a Lefty.

~ Hardnox

 

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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One Response to Funny Friday

  1. BrianR says:

    I loved the engineer jokes.

    When I was in engineering school, we had one that went like this.

    Kid sends an excited letter to his Dad:

    “Dad! Got my degree today! Yesterday I couldn’t even spell enjineer. Today I are one!”

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