Funny Friday

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.

He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn’t yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. “Do you think you could give me some tips?” he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, “Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man.

“Sure will,” replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

“That’s terrific!” said the hot shot. “Got any more tips for me?”

“Yep,” said the old man. “Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the younger man.

“You bet it will,” said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

“Wow!” exclaimed the cowboy. “I’m learnin’ somethin’ here.. Got any more tips?”

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. “See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.”

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

“No,” said the old-timer, “I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man.

The Old Timer said , “No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he’s gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt as much if it’s all greased up.”

—oo—

A young woman goes to her doctor’s office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . a green spot on the inside of each. “They won’t wash off, they won’t scrape off and they seem to be getting worse.”

The doctor assures her he’ll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman’s phone rings. Much to her relief, it’s the doctor. She immediately begs to know what’s causing the spots.

The doctor says, “You’re perfectly healthy. There’s no problem. But, I’m wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?”

The woman stammers, “Why, yes, he is.”

“Tell him his earrings are not real gold.”

—oo—

A young Arab boy asks his father, “What is that weird hat you are wearing?”

The father said, “Why, it’s a ‘chechia’ because in the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

“And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?” asked the young man.

“It’s a ‘djbellah’ because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body,” said the father.

The son asked, “And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?”

His father replied, “These are ‘babouches’ which keep us from burning our feet from hot sand in the desert.”

“So tell me then,” added the boy.

“Yes, my son?”

“Why are you living in Dearborn Michigan and still wearing all that shit?

—oo—

Detroit Police announced the discovery an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles, with 250,000 rounds of ammunition,

10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers,

2 tons of heroin,

$12 million in forged bills and a ring of 14 prostitutes,

all in a housing project behind the Detroit Public Library.

Detroit folks were stunned.

A community organizer said: “We be shocked! We never knowed we had a library.”

—oo—











































MRI image of a Leftist head


—oo—

(special thanks to Terry, Gil, Skip, Von Messer, Earl, Hershey, I.R. Wayright)

Have a great Friday.  Don’t forget to piss off a Lefty.  It’s easy.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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17 Responses to Funny Friday

  1. SafeSpace says:

    You’ve heard that Scott Adams who draws “Dilbert” is the subject of a leftist hate campaign because Dilbert is a “science denier”. How dare he contradict the narrative? Adams can’t be a “real artist”!

  2. Shar says:

    Love them all. Thanks gang. Have a great weekend.

  3. clyde says:

    Liked the skull x ray showing leftist brains. Apropos.

  4. Terry says:

    Once again, a wonderful plethora of pun fun !!

    ______________________________

    An 84-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong. Through his tears, the old man answers, “I’m in love with a 22-year-old woman.”
    “Well, what’s wrong with that?” asks the young man.
    Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, “You don’t understand, every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunch time, she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me the best time an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love.”
    He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

    The young man puts his arm around him. “I don’t understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship! Why are you sitting here on this park bench crying?”

    The senile old man answers, again through his tears:
    “I can’t remember where I live!”

    ———————-
    THIS ONE IS FOR YOU, NOX :

    A man owned a small ranch in Montana.
    The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
    “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

    “Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus he gets free room and board.
    The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
    Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

    “That’s the guy I want to talk to…the half-wit,” said the agent.
    “That would be me,” replied the rancher.

  5. Jules Smith says:

    Heh! Love your fun Fridays! I’m using the first joke in my next Western 🙂

    • Terry says:

      NEXT Western ? Do you have others Jules ?

      • Terry says:

        “A Fistful Of Pounds” ? Was that one of yours ?
        Or…
        “Shootout At The Bit Of Alright Corral “?
        “Lonesome English Pigeon” ?
        “The Wild Blokes” ?
        “True Porridge” ?
        “Blazing English Saddles ” ?
        ” The Bloke Who Shot Liberty Valance ” ?
        😉 😀

        • Jules Smith says:

          Hahahaha! Yes, I wrote all those. You may scoff, Terry, but let me tell you now that nobody can pull off a good, true grit Western like a British bird. What I tend to do is take the poetic licence that Hollywood do with things like “Enigma” or “Braveheart” and basically rewrite history.. 😉
          But seriously, my new Western is out now “The Malocchio Of Bodie ( see how I brought the European influence in there – but with an Eye-Tallion rather than an English bloke) and am currently in Texas at the moment starting the sequel. So, I tell ya what, I’m prepared to give you a FREE COPY of my awesome novel and then you can tell me if I’ve pulled it off in true Merrrican style! You in, pard? 😛

          • Terry says:

            Jules, I must apologize and confess… I had no idea of your talents, other than some pretty clever comments and comebacks on this blog. And so, I thought your 1st comment was in jest.
            But I just sent my mole out to dig up some dirt on you, and I am impressed with what he found. Seems you are quite the talented writer. I read the blurb of your latest book, and it sounds pretty intriguing ! It’s even on AMAZON !

            I’d love to read it, and I’d be happy to purchase my own copy, if I can send it to you for an autograph :).
            Seriously, I intend to look for more of your works to enjoy.
            Maybe, when you get time, you could consider authoring one of the titles I mentioned earlier…….;D

            • Jules Smith says:

              Terry, I have a tried and tested firewall against Kremlin attack so how did you manage that?

              No need to apologise, I am made of hard British resilience where good humour and sarcasm rule the day! Seriously, the only way you could offend me is by dating Hillary Clinton or Nicola Sturgeon or voting for Corbyn the Commie.

              I know! AMAZON.COM Next thing you know they’ll be selling my books in Target or the pound shop! Yeah….victory!

              Well, I’m much obliged t’ya, Sir! Happy to autograph indeed; that’ll fetch on eBay one day soon…no foolin’.

              I kind of like “Shootout At The Alright Corral” The titles made me laugh. I might just do that for kicks! 🙂

              • Terry says:

                🙂
                Seriously, I am going to look for your works. I love wry humor and a twist from the normal.
                Are you on FB ? Never mind, my moles can find that out .
                Take care.

  6. Hardnox says:

    Terry, I loved your titles. LMAO!

    You think we have lightweights visiting here? Heck, we have some of the smartest and most talented people visiting here.

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