Funny Friday

The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

“Madam”, said the newspaper employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY”.

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ..

..”Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church either

—oo—

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

“Don’t worry, at this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection,” the nurse told me.

“I don’t have an erection,” I replied.

“I do” replied the nurse.

Don’t get a colonoscopy in San Francisco.

—oo—

During a recent Trump stop, a heckler from the audience hollered, “Hey Trump, where are you hiding your tax returns?

The Donald politely responded, “I’ve found a very secure place that I’m certain they won’t be found.”

The insistent heckler, then shouted, “And just where is that, dummy”?

The Donald smiled and said, “They are underneath Obama’s college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records, and his Selective Service registration.

“What’s your next question?”

—oo—

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.

“What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor.

“Not a chance” she replied. “He won’t even take an aspirin”.

“Not a problem,” said the doctor. “Give him an Irish Viagra.”

“What on Earth is Irish Viagra?” she asked.

“It’s Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won’t even taste it. Let me know how it goes,” he said.

She called the doctor the very next afternoon. “How did it go?” he asked.

“Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horid, I tell ya! I’m beside meself!”

“Oh, no! What in the world happened?”

“Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it. Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T’was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!”

“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Wasn’t the sex good?”

“Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I’ve had in me last 25 years, but sure as I’m sittin here, doctor, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”

—oo—


















(special thanks to I.R. Wayright, Skip, Gil, VonMesser and Earl)

Have a great Friday and don’t forget to piss of a Lefty today… or any day.

~ hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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6 Responses to Funny Friday

  1. Terry says:

    I love the smell of roasted libtards in the morning !!
    Good stuff Nox.
    Here’s a few for you old people :
    ———————————–

    80-year old Bessie burst into the recreation room at a retirement home. She held her clenched fist in the air and announced, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!”An elderly gentleman in the rear shouted out, “An elephant?”Bessie thought for a minute and said, “Close enough.”
    —————-
    As a senior citizen was driving down the highway,his phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him: “Vernon , I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on I-95. Please be careful!”
    “Hell,” said Vernon, “It’s not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!”
    ———————————

    An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.She said:
    “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
    Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.A few moments later she said:
    “Then you used to kiss me.”Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.Thirty seconds later she said:
    “Then you used to bite my neck.”Angrily, he threw back the sheets and got out of bed.”Where are you going?” she asked.
    “To get my teeth!”
    —————————-

    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to a major crossroad. The stoplight was red, but they just drove through it.
    The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself: “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
    After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again . Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
    At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
    Mildred turned to her and said: “Oh! Am I driving?”

  2. clyde says:

    Liked the last clip. Swat a horse on the ass while BEHIND those legs is just suicidal. But typical of libtards.

  3. Uriel says:

    check out this video from Diamond and Silk too….on the Stupid Bowl and Maxine Waters….https://youtu.be/-Dtt1HhJSTw

    lol the horse clip is hilarious.

    • Terry says:

      Love those gals ! I found out they live in the very small town in N.C. that I went to HS in. I still visit friends there and I’m gonna look them up next time.

  4. Jules Smith says:

    Never stand behind a horse.

    Another great Friday post! Made my Sunday:)