The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
“Madam”, said the newspaper employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY”.
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ..
..”Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church either
Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.
As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
“Don’t worry, at this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection,” the nurse told me.
“I don’t have an erection,” I replied.
“I do” replied the nurse.
Don’t get a colonoscopy in San Francisco.
During a recent Trump stop, a heckler from the audience hollered, “Hey Trump, where are you hiding your tax returns?
The Donald politely responded, “I’ve found a very secure place that I’m certain they won’t be found.”
The insistent heckler, then shouted, “And just where is that, dummy”?
The Donald smiled and said, “They are underneath Obama’s college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records, and his Selective Service registration.
“What’s your next question?”
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.
“What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor.
“Not a chance” she replied. “He won’t even take an aspirin”.
“Not a problem,” said the doctor. “Give him an Irish Viagra.”
“What on Earth is Irish Viagra?” she asked.
“It’s Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won’t even taste it. Let me know how it goes,” he said.
She called the doctor the very next afternoon. “How did it go?” he asked.
“Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horid, I tell ya! I’m beside meself!”
“Oh, no! What in the world happened?”
“Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it. Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T’was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!”
“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Wasn’t the sex good?”
“Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I’ve had in me last 25 years, but sure as I’m sittin here, doctor, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”
(special thanks to I.R. Wayright, Skip, Gil, VonMesser and Earl)
Have a great Friday and don’t forget to piss of a Lefty today… or any day.