Dave was goose hunting up in the northern Minnesota woods when he leaned his shotgun against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his favorite Lab, Ol’ Stay, knocked the gun over causing it to discharge a considerable amount of #4 shot into Dave’s groin area.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his ER doctor, Dr. Sven, who said,
“Vell Dave, I got some goot noos and some bat noos. Da goot noos is dat you’re gonna be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin. Dere vas very little internal bleeding and I vas able to remove all da shot.”
“Well, what’s the bad news then?” asks Dave.
“Da bat noos is dat dere vas some pretty extensive shot damage done to your vienie. I’m gonna to haf to refer you to my sister, Lena.”
“Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,” says Dave. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”
“Not exactly,” Sven says. “She plays da flute in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. And because all you haf now is dat damned Obamacare, she’s gonna teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t pee in your eye.”
I’d just come out of the shop with a 12 inch steak and cheese hero, large chips, a liter of soda & a piece of pie. A poor homeless man was sitting outside and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days.’ I told him, ‘I wish I had your will power.’
A fat girl served me in McDonald’s at lunchtime. She said ‘sorry about the wait’. I said, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll find a way to lose it eventually’.
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said ‘Any Change?’ I said, ‘Nope, you’re still black’.
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, ‘fat chance with a face like that’!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself, ‘I’m going to take that.’
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer… hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently “Blacks” and “Mexicans” were NOT the correct answers.
I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
WHEN THE GUN WAS FIRED, THE ENGINEERS STOOD SHOCKED AS THE CHICKEN HURLED OUT OF THE BARREL, CRASHED INTO THE SHATTERPROOF SHIELD, SMASHED IT TO SMITHEREENS, BLASTED THROUGH THE CONTROL CONSOLE, SNAPPED THE ENGINEER’S BACK-REST IN TWO, AND EMBEDDED ITSELF IN THE BACK WALL OF THE CABIN, LIKE AN ARROW SHOT FROM A BOW. THE HORRIFIED BRITS SENT NASA THE DISASTROUS RESULTS OF THE EXPERIMENT, ALONG WITH THE DESIGNS OF THE WINDSHIELD AND BEGGED THE U.S SCIENTISTS FOR SUGGESTIONS.
NASA RESPONDED WITH A ONE-LINE MEMO:
“DEFROST THE CHICKEN.”
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his coffee when he unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 300 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:
“I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
”What happened to her?”
“She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.”
He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse”
“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.”
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked, “Can I borrow the dog?”
The Italian man replied, “Get in line.”
(special thanks to Skip, Gil, Hershey, I.R. Wayright, SafeSpace, and Earl)
Have a great Friday. Ok, your turn.