GOD to ST. FRANCIS: Frank , You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS: It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant
that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot
ST. FRANCIS: You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can
continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to
provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It’s a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: ‘Dumb and Dumber’, Lord. It’s a story about….
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
The IRS has returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.
In response to the question, “Do you have anyone dependent on you?” the man wrote “9.5 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 3.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 535 idiots in Washington.”
The IRS stated that the answer he gave was unacceptable.
The man responded back, “Who did I leave out?”
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe,are sitting in a Mexican restaurant.
Sid asks Abe, “Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico?”
Abe replies, “I don’t know, let’s ask our waiter.”
When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, “Are there any Mexican Jews?”
The waiter says, “I don’t know senor, I ask the cooks.
He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says,“No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews.”
Abe isn’t satisfied and asks, “Are you absolutely sure?”
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with “Gringos” replies,”I check once again, senor,” and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says, “I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere!”
The waiter returns and says,“Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews.”
“Are you certain?” Abe asks again. “I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!”
“Senor, I ask EVERYONE,” replies the exasperated waiter. “All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews,but no Mexican Jews.”
This happened at an assisted living center.
The people who live there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn’t show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was all right. She could hear him through the door, and he said that he was running late but would be down shortly, so she went back to the dining area.
An hour later he still hadn’t arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a heck of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn’t in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.
When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to go up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
A fleeing ISIS terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack – selling ties.
The ISIS terrorist asked, “Do you have water?
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”
The ISIS shouted hysterically, “Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment – I spit on your ties. I need water!”
“Sorry, I have none – just ties – pure silk – and only $5.”
“Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!”
“Okay,” said the little old Jewish man, it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need…Go In Peace!
Cursing him again, the desperate ISIS staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, “They won’t let me in without a tie!
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.’
‘What do they say?’ the priest asked.
They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’
‘That’s obscene!’ the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment……’You know,’ he said, ‘I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible… Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.’
‘Thank you,’ the woman responded, ‘this may very well be the solution.’
The next day she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house…
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying…
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them…
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’
There was stunned silence… shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says… ‘Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered !!!
(Special thanks to 219rad, SafeSpace, Terry, Skip, Hershey, Earl, and Peppermint)
Have a great Friday,