Funny Friday

Just some general humor to cleanse the palate…

.

World’s Shortest Books

_______________

MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS
By Tiger Woods
________________________

THINGS WE LOVE ABOUT OUR COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda, Cindy Sheehan
& Michelle Obama
Illustrated by Michael Moore
Foreword by George Soros
______________________________ __________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By “The Rev Jesse Jackson” & “The Rev Al Sharpton”
______________________________ ________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton
_________________

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
_________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates
______________________________ ______

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman

______________________________ ___

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE

By Al Gore & John Kerry
______________________________ _______

HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
By Dr. Jack Kevorkian
______________________________ ____

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O’Donnell

__________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson

______________________________ ____

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

______________________________ _________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

By O. J. Simpson & Casey Anthony
______________________________ ___________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY

By Ted Kennedy
______________________________ ____

MY BOOK ON MORALS
By Bill Clinton
With introduction by
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
And foreward by
Tiger Woods with John Edwards
______________________________ ______________________

HOW TO WIN A SUPERBOWL
BY THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS
_____________________________________________________

FRENCH MILITARY VICTORIES
Published by Al Quida Press
_________________________________ _____________________

AND, JUST ADDED:
My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy
By Nancy Pelosi
______________________________ __________________________

And the shortest book of them all…………………..

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
By Barack Obama

—oo—

Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, “Suits $5.00 each! , shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each. “

Bubba says to his pal, “Billy Bob, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take’em back to Sand Mountain, sell ‘em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin’ ’cause if they hear your accent, they might think we’re ignorant, and won’t wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I’ll talk in slow Georgia drawl so’s they don’t know we is from Alabama.”

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, “I’ll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I’ll back up my pickup and…”

The owner of the shop interrupts, “Ya’ll from South Alabama, ain’t ya?”

Well…yeah,” says a surprised Bubba….”How come you knowed that?”

Because this is a dry cleaners”

—oo—

When NASA started sending astronauts into space, they discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat this problem, Congress approved a program and NASA scientists spent a decade and over $165 million developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil…

—oo—

A young Arab boy asks his father, “What is that weird hat you are wearing?”

The father said, “Why, it’s a ‘chechia’ because in the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

“And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?” asked the young man.

“It’s a ‘djbellah’ because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body.” said the father.

The son asked, “And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, “These are ‘babouches”, which keep us from burning our feet from hot sand in the desert.”

“So tell me then,” added the boy.

“Yes, my son?”

“Why are you living in Dearborn Michigan and still wearing all this shit?

—oo—

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?”

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?

Without  any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure!!!”

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

“Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”

—oo—


Oh yeah, let us not forget ObamaCare er… RyanCare…


Oh yeah… and those Russian bastards are still at it!


Yeah, and those snowflakes and the fake news…

 

 


Yeah, and those weaselly illegals…

 

 


Yeah, and those leftard wannabe dictators that never go away…



What privacy?


Then of course, there’s Leftard morons in general…

 

 

 

 

 


Yeah, and then there’s the leftard extraordinaire and mental midget of a House Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi…

 

 

 


What we all know for sure…

 


Lastly, Happy St. Patrick’s Day…

Erin goes braless… or something like that.

~ Hardnox

(special thanks to Terry, Skip, VonMesser, Wendy, Buck, Hershey, Jim, BB, SafeSpace, Earl, and oh shit… I forgot who else… thanks anyway.  )

*** Don’t forget to add your jokes below or you can’t read next Friday’s edition ****

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
Tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to Funny Friday

  1. Jules Smith says:

    Hahahahahahaha! Just spat my breakfast out. I need to steal some of these…

    Brilliant book titles and the using Nanna pic made me laugh my head off! 🙂

  2. SafeSpace says:

    Best collection ever (so far) — thanks, ‘Nox!

  3. Terry says:

    Awesome FF !! My joke pales, but it’s all I have 🙁

    _______________________________

    Desperate after three bad months of sales at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the famous Colonel called up the Pope and asks him for a favor.
    “What can I do for you?” Said the Pope.
    The Colonel said, “Holy father, I need you to change the daily prayer from, ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken’. If you do that, I swear I will donate $10 Million Dollars to the Vatican.”

    The Pope replied, “I am very sorry. That is the Lord’s prayer and it isn’t something I can just change the words for.” So the Colonel, disappointed, hung up.

    After another month of bad sales, the Colonel panicked, and called again. “Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I’ll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken.'”

    And the Pope responded, “It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord’s prayer, and I can’t change the words.” So the Colonel gave up again.

    After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel got desperate. “This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken’ I will donate $100 million to the Vatican.”
    The Pope replied, “Let me get back to you ”

    So the next day, the Pope called together all of his bishops and said, “I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican.” The bishops rejoiced at the news.
    Then one asked about the bad news.
    The Pope replied:
    “The bad news is that we lost the Starbucks’ account.”
    _______________________________________________________________

    HAPPY ST. PADDY’S DAY !!

  4. W Barna says:

    Subject: GOTTA PEE

    Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezes.

    Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery..

    One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought She would take off her panties and use them.

    Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

    She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she Proceeded to wipe with that.

    After the girls did their business they proceeded to Go home.

    The next day one woman’s husband was concerned That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in Bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: ‘These girl nights out have got to stop! I’m starting to suspect the worst. . . My wife came home with no panties!!’

    ‘That’s nothing’ said the other husband, ‘Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that Said.. ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, we’ll never forget you.”

  5. GruntOfMonteCristo says:

    Here are some pretty decent St. Patrick’s Day Irish jokes I stole from a good Australian source. Happy St. Pat’s, Folks!

    What’s the difference between God and Bono?
    God doesn’t wander around Dublin thinking he’s Bono.

    Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
    Paddy says, “Are you on foot or in the car?”
    Billy says, “In the car.”
    Paddy says, “That’s the quickest way.”

    Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy’s got a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
    Paddy says to Mick, “If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both”

    A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
    The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
    The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
    The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
    The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

  6. Uriel says:

    Terrific Friday collection!

  7. dweezy2176 says:

    Nelson at Trafalgar 2012
    Nelson: “Order the signal, Hardy.”
    Hardy: “Aye, aye sir.”
    Nelson: “Hold on, this isn’t what I dictated to Flags. What’s the meaning of this?”
    Hardy: “Sorry sir?”
    Nelson (reading aloud): „ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.’ – What gobbledygook is this for God’s sake?”
    Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting „ England ” past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”
    Nelson: “Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”
    Hardy: “Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.”
    Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.”
    Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”
    Nelson: “Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it full speed ahead.”
    Hardy: “I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.”
    Nelson: “Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest, please.”
    Hardy: “That won’t be possible, sir.”
    Nelson: “What?”
    Hardy: “Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.”
    Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.”
    Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral.”
    Nelson: “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”
    Hardy: “Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled.”
    Nelson: “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.”
    Hardy: “Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”
    Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”
    Hardy: “A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?”
    Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”
    Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”
    Nelson: “What? This is mutiny!”
    Hardy: “It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”
    Nelson: “Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”
    Hardy: “Actually, sir, we’re not.”
    Nelson: “We’re not?”
    Hardy: “No, sir.. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.”
    Nelson: “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”
    Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on disciplinary report.”
    Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.”
    Hardy: “Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It could save your life”
    Nelson: “Don’t tell me – Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”
    Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”
    Nelson: “What about sodomy?”
    Hardy: “I believe that is now legal, sir.”
    Nelson: “In that case………………. Kiss me, Hardy.”

  8. roman rowan says:

    The difference between Oo and oO

    Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
    The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

    On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?”

    “Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”

    “Seventeen people? That’s wonderful. How did you do it?”

    “I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: Oo.
    Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs
    and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”

    “That’s admirable,” says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy.
    “And how did you do?”

    “Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”

    “Wow!” says the judge. “156 people! How did you manage to do that?”
    “Well, I used a similar diagram,” the guy says. “I drew two circles like this: oO. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, ‘This is your asshole before prison …”

  9. roman rowan says:

    Okay one more.
    A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.

    Passenger: “Who?”Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time.

    Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.

    ”Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

    Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

    Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”

    Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”

    Passenger: “Wow, what a guy!”

    Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

    Passenger: “How did you meet him?”

    Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.”