Funny Friday

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a ‘drop dead gorgeous’ blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them and they couldn’t help but stare.

As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said ‘Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,’ nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said ‘Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,’ and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, ‘Just a minute, young lady.’

‘Yes, Father?’

‘We are priests and proud of it; but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?’

She replied,’Father, it’s me, — Sister Kathleen. ‘

—oo—

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.  The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”

“Well,” said the big gator, “what have you been eating?”

“Politicians, same as you,” replied the small gator.

“Hmm….Well, where do you catch them?”

“Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.”

“Same here.  Hmm… How do you catch them?”

“Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat’ em!”

“Same here.” says the big gator “Do you eat Democrats or Republicans?”

“I eat the Democrats” says the little guy.

“Ah!” says the big gator.  “I think I see your problem.  You’re not getting any real nourishment. You see, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Democrat, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.”

—oo—

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?”

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?

Without  any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure!!!”

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

“Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”

—oo—

































(special thanks to SafeSpace, Terry, Skip, Gil and Earl)

Have a wonderful Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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6 Responses to Funny Friday

  1. Shar says:

    Great as usual. I love the one of Melania loving our country. Refreshing!

    • Hardnox says:

      Thanks. I never tire of her either. 🙂

      She sure beats Sasquatch by a 1000 miles in class, looks, and brains.

  2. Terry says:

    Funny stuff ! OMG did moochie actually wear all of those outfits made from gift wrapping ?
    ________________________________

    A Mexican teen came up to the Mexican border riding his bicycle and carrying two large bags on his shoulders. The border patrol officer stopped him and said, “What’s in the bags?”
    “Sand,” he answered.
    The officer said, “We’ll just see about that.”

    He took the bags and tore them apart. He emptied them out but found nothing in them except sand. He detained the teen overnight and had the sand analyzed, only to discover that there was nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard released him, put the sand into new bags, hefted them onto the lad’s shoulders, and let him cross the border.

    A day later, the same thing happened. The officer asked, “What have you got?”
    “Sand,” said the youngster.
    The officer did a thorough examination and discovered that the bags contained nothing but sand. He gave the sand back to him, and the young man crossed the border on his bicycle.

    This sequence of events was repeated every day for three years. One day, the teen didn’t show. Days passed and the officer never saw him. A month later, a messenger came and handed the officer an invitation for a house warming.

    When he got to the address, he saw it was a large villa with a pool, and many guests celebrating. Inside he found the teen, holding a glass of wine and enjoying his teen guests. “Hey, Buddy,” said the officer. “It’s driving me crazy. How are you so rich when all you were carrying across the border was sand? Just between you and me, what were you smuggling?”
    The youngster flashed a smile and said: “Bicycles.”

  3. vonMesser says:

    A WOMAN FROM NEW YORK was driving through a remote part of Arizona when
    her car broke down.

    An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a
    nearby town.

    She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was
    uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a
    Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and
    canyon walls.

    When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
    yelled one final Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a! and rode off.

    “What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service-station
    attendant.

    “Nothing,” the woman answered “I merely sat behind him on the horse, put
    my arms round his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall
    off.”

    “Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians don’t use saddles.”

  4. upaces88 says:

    All of those are so great, I couldn’t even pick out a favorite!