Funny Friday

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband.

The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?” All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband: “I love you, sweetheart.”

The women were then instructed to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Below are the replies; some are hilarious.

  1. Who the hell is this?
  1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
  1. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s up with you?
  1. What now? Did you crash the car again?
  1. I don’t understand what you mean?
  1. What the heck did you do now?
  1. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
  1. Am I dreaming?
  1. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
  1. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.
  1. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?

—oo—

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay. Thanks,” I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

She said, “Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”

I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.

“That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”

“Oh, come on now ” she insisted.

She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive.

I was weak. “Well okay,” I finally agreed.

After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

I replied, “Still under the cart, I guess”.

—oo—

I called an old school friend on the telephone and asked him what he was doing.

He replied that he is working on “Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment”.

I was impressed….

On further inquiring, I have learned that he was washing dishes, pots, and pans, with hot water….under his wife’s supervision.

—oo—

Retired Person’s Perspective

  1. I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people. I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
  1. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
  1. You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she’s probably very unhappy.
  1. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you’ve just met? That’s common sense leaving your body.
  1. I don’t like making plans for the day. Because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.
  1. I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
  1. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
  1. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what’s your plan?
  1. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

—oo—

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?”

The Princess immediately said, “No!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles, and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard complaining and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thought he was cool as heck, and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.

The End.

—oo—

A U.S. Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in a church in a small North Carolina town.

He tells the priest, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the ever-living crap out of a flag burning, cop-hating, Obama-loving protester.”

The priest says, “My son, I’m here to forgive your sins,not to discuss your community service.”

—oo—































How to have a conversation with lefties…

(special thanks to Skip, SafeSpace, vonMesser, Buck, Uriel, Gil, Blessed B, 219rad)

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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7 Responses to Funny Friday

  1. Terry says:

    Y’all rocked it again. Funny stuff !
    _______________________________

    A mother was driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.
    “Mommy?” the little girl asked. “How old are you?”
    “Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied. “It’s not polite..”
    “Okay”, the little girl said. “How much do you weigh?”
    “Now really!” the mother said. “Those are personal questions and are none of your business.”

    Undaunted, the little girl asked, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”
    “That’s enough questions, young lady. Honestly!”
    The exasperated mother walked away as the two friends began to play.

    “My mom won’t tell me anything about herself,” the little girl said to her friend.
    “Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.”
    Later that night the little girl said to her mother, “I know how old you are. You’re 32.”
    The mother was surprised and asked, “How did you find that out?”
    “I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.”
    The mother was past surprised. She was shocked.

    “How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”
    “And,” the little girl said triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce!”
    “Really?” the mother asked. “Why?”
    “Because you got an F in sex.”

  2. malenurseken says:

    How many heard of the verse in bible that says give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to fish and he can he can feed himself forever.
    Someone asked trump if he can quote a bible verse. He said “give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. ” “deport him and never have to feed him again” 😃👍

  3. GunnyG says:

    Community service….hahahahahaha So THAT is what it was all those years ago.

  4. Popular Front says:

    The one about minimum security prisoners resonates. I’ve been advocating that point for years. Go to prison and check your ‘human/civil rights’ at the door, you’re going to work to offset your crimes against society. Digging drainage, picking roadside trash, cleaning parks, working laundries the list is endless and that’s just minimum security.

    • SafeSpace says:

      Down here in the redneck southern mountains (YEE-HAW), we send our county inmates out with a shotgun-armed deputy. They pick up roadside trash, mow and weed-whack road shoulders, dig out storm drains …. and are paid minimum hourly wage into escrow accounts which they can collect when their sentences end.

      • Popular Front says:

        And that’s exactly as it should be when you go to prison. You’re there to REPAY your debt to the society you have offended, NOT to get three hots and cot and an extended holiday. Besides a little hard work never hurt anyone and plenty of it may just discourage people from reoffending.

        SafeSpace, that’s another thing I like about the South – no mollycoddling of felons and convicts but hard work and a kick up the arse if you’re slow, just like the old-fashioned ways of which nobody can convince me don’t work.

  5. 219rad says:

    A mother was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Her 6yr old son was making quite a racket in the living room so she yelled Billy!!!! Be good!!! and stop making all that noise. Billy came into the kitchen and said, Mom, I’ll be good for a dollar. Mom said just go and be good, be quiet.

    Billy went back into the living room and after a few minutes of being quiet he got very loud again. Mom yelled from the kitchen, Billy I said be good. Billy came back into the kitchen and said, I”ll be good for fifty cents. Mom said would you just be good? I’m making dinner so he went back to the living room and started making a racket almost immediately.

    Mom, now at her wits end growled Billy stop all the noise and go outside and play. Billy yelled back I’ll be good for a quarter. Now mom yells back Billy just be like your father . . . . Be good for nothing. 🙂