Funny Friday

Bubba was driving down a back road in South Carolina …

A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL

Lobster Tail and Beer

“Lordy mercy!” he says to himself,”

“Them’s my three favorites”!

—oo—

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

‘Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

‘I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there!’

‘If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!’ she replied… ‘He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!’

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?’ one asked.

‘Oh yes!’ he replied, gasping in air. ‘It feels so wonderful.

Another runner moved a long side. ‘Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?’

‘Oh, yes’ our friend answered breathlessly. ‘That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!’

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, ‘Do you always wear a condom when you run?’

‘Nope..just when it’s raining.’

—oo—

I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a “social session” with family or friends.

Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several beers followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and a few vodka shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.
That’s when I did something slightly different – I took a taxi home.

Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don’t know where I got it, and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it.

So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.

—oo—

 

(hat-tip to Terry, Wendy, Gil, BB, Skip, 219rad)

Happy New Year!

~ Hardnox

 

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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5 Responses to Funny Friday

  1. clyde says:

    Good shit there. Liked the one that said Trump isn’t practicing radical Islam.

  2. Terry says:

    A good ending to a great year of Funny Fridays !

    ———————————————-

    There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

    “Dear God,
    I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
    Sincerely,
    Edna”

    The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

    Easter came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around with anticipation while the letter was opened. It read:

    “Dear God,
    How can I ever thank you enough for getting my money back for me? Because of you, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful kindness… by the way, there was $4 missing… I think it might have been stolen by one of those jerks at the post office!
    Sincerely,
    Edna”

    ——————————————————————-

    Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

    Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love.

    Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant.While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said:
    “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!”

    Linda paused, then responded :
    “Ed, that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I’ve been a hooker.”

    Ed said, “It’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”
    ———————————————————

    I’ll try to do better in 2017.
    HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL !

  3. Adrienne says:

    You guys have outdone yourselves. Good job!

  4. Popular Front says:

    Lots of good funny stuff there. I missed the Obama dick/head x-ray image when I first scrolled through. LOL