Millions Of Russian Hackers Found In U.S.of A.

Russian hackers more numerous than previously thought

Russian hackers for Trump

Suspicions of Russian meddling in U.S. elections were confirmed Monday, when in the course of the Wisconsin recount Russian hackers succeeded in adding 131 more votes to Trump’s victory.

“The real winners in this recount were the Russian hackers,” DNC spokesperson Shepard Smith said in a statement during his regular FNC broadcast. “It is now absolutely clear that American election results accurately reflect the will of Vladimir Putin, regardless of whether the ballots were counted by hand or by machine.”

In the meantime, president-elect Donald Trump continued his post-election thank-you tour throughout the country, expressing gratitude to Russian hackers everywhere who helped him get to the White House. After making a stop in Cincinnati, Ohio, known for its thriving Russian hacking community, Trump went to Iowa, Michigan, and other predominantly Russian states whose hackers were vital to his win.

At every leg of his tour, the president-elect’s speeches attracted large crowds of enthusiastic Russian hackers, whose numbers turned out to be much greater than any Democratic strategist within the intelligence community had anticipated.

“It’s really terrifying that these tens of thousands of embedded Russian hackers look no different than everyday working class Americans,” admitted John Podesta, a CIA insider responsible for the recent leak concerning RussiaGate to the Washington Post.

Russian hackers for Trump

Republican Speaker of the House Paul Ryan along with Senators Mitch McConnell, John McCain, and Lindsey Graham joined Podesta’s condemnation of Russian hackers. “These Russians are not our friends,” McConnell said. “Any influence on our predetermined elections coming from such far-away and foreign to us states as Iowa, Michigan, or Wisconsin is disturbing, unacceptable, and requires a bipartisan investigation.”

“It defies belief that some Republicans would be reluctant to investigate Russian hackers,” McConnell said, adding that the hackers are hiding in plain sight. “Go to any Trump rally – the place is packed with tens of thousands of Russian hackers. They’re attracted to Trump like bees to honey. I demand that we investigate every single one of them.”

Russian hackers for Trump

An interview with a Russian hacker

Our investigative team went to a Trump rally in West Allis, Wisconsin, hoping to interview some of the Russian hackers there. They were easy to spot by their red “Make America Great Again” hats – which, according to our CIA sources, Russian hackers wear to secretly identify themselves to each other.

We approached an older Russian hacker posing as a U.S. Army veteran, who introduced himself as “Todd Rickenbacker.” His surprisingly authentic Midwestern accent was a testimony to how meticulously Russians prepare their foreign implants.

“Did I hack the U.S. election?” he repeated our question, feigning surprise. “You mean like with an axe?” Looking like a Norman Rockwell character, which only confirmed his deceitful intentions, he added, “Is that all you’ve got now? What happened to racism, sexism, and violence? That stuff isn’t working for you guys anymore? Suppose this RussiaGate falls through as well, who will you blame then? Will you make up some new crap – or just go straight back to calling us racists?”

“Todd” was interrupted by a dark-skinned Russian hacker named “Chuck,” who looked African-American – most likely an elaborate makeup job that the KGB spies are notorious for. “Chuck’s” authoritative tone suggested he was “Todd’s” handler. “We’re going to drain the swamp,” he declared. “And all the establishment parasites pushing this RussiaGate nonsense, Democrat or Republican, they’re the ones with the most to lose. They’ve panicked and abandoned all pretense. Good. We’ll remember their names. What is your name?”

Feeling threatened, we quickly walked away and approached a younger couple of Russian hackers nearby – a husband and wife, or that’s what they wanted us to believe, who might as well be cast for the popular FX series, The Americans. They introduced themselves as “the Smiths” – obviously a fake name.

“Yes, we hacked the election,” the woman laughed, admitting her guilt. “Why don’t you go ahead and arrest us – and everybody else in this room? There are only fifteen thousand of us here, and a couple thousand standing outside, waiting to be rounded up. And sixty one million more all over the country.”

Sixty one million Russian hackers operating in the United States? The divulged number was staggering. We felt lucky to have recorded her confession; it would be solid evidence during the upcoming investigation of foreign interference in our democratic process.

“All we do is drink vodka and hack computers,” her husband bragged. “Vodka gives us superpowers.”

“There was an entire billion-dollar American media machine working against Trump, with all its newspapers, websites, radio, and cable news channels,” he continued. “There also was a billion-dollar American music industry, and the entire American movie industry that went out against Trump, with all the American actors, producers, and all kinds of celebrities agitating against Trump. Then there was this intense anti-Trump indoctrination in American public schools, colleges, and universities. Most importantly, there was this massive and powerful political establishment, both Democrat and Republican, that was determined to crush Trump.”

“Taken together, it’s the mightiest empire known to man,” he continued. “And then some vodka-swilling Russian hackers show up and knock it down with one hack. Can you believe that? Powerful stuff, that vodka. You should try it sometime. But it has to be made of beets or it won’t work.”

“Please describe how exactly you were able to hack into all these voting machines if they weren’t hooked up to the Internet,” we asked, hoping for more groundbreaking revelations.

“We didn’t,” he said. “The only charge, still unproven, is the theft of a bunch of emails showing how the Democrats were conspiring to steal the election. Russians didn’t write those emails, America’s top Democrats did. So they are now accusing Russians of trying to rig the election by showing everybody how the Democrats were trying to rig the election. Shouldn’t there be a bipartisan commission to investigate the Democrats?”

Russian hackers for Trump

At that point a senior Russian hacker stepped out of the crowd and started speaking directly into the camera. “You commies know more about RussiaGate than we do,” he shouted. “You always depended on Russia for everything. When we said ‘Russian propaganda,’ you called it ‘Red Scare’ to ridicule us. Without Russia you wouldn’t know what to say, how to think, or how to present the news. We lost Vietnam because of it, and we almost lost America because of it. Of course you’d think nothing ever happens without Russia. How more revealing can you be?”

A fellow senior Russian hacker stepped in to explain. “What Ronnie is trying to say here is that you commie scumbags loved the KGB propaganda and profited from it, but the one time Russia told the truth, you clutch your pearls and demand smelling salts.”

At that point we had all the information we needed. We went back to our Washington, DC, headquarters, congratulating each other on a successful investigative mission. But something we had heard kept nagging at us: what if we succeed in proving that Russian hackers were, in fact, the reason for Trump’s victory? Wouldn’t that take away our ability to blame his victory on white supremacism?

To give up a premise that allows us to call half of Americans racists was the toughest decision we faced in our lives. And so we decided not to decide anything ourselves, but instead wait for our bureau chief to return from his trip to the Kremlin. He will tell us what to think.

Russian hackers for Trump

And here’s the notorious shady group known as “Russian Hackers for Trump.” It’s a love story.
I’m quite sure all of you caught on very early that this is a satire piece. And I am sure of that because libtards don’t dare come to conservative blogs like ours lest they be exposed to the truth.
But let’s say this somehow got posted on HuffBlo for example. Can you imagine the exposure and outrage this would draw ? It would be the headline article on every leftie “news” site, and no doubt the lead story on every alphabet “news” program. Even a signed, sealed, and notarized sworn statement from The Peoples Cube author who created this REAL FAKE NEWS would sway their belief that it’s true. 
And THAT, my friends, is what we are up against.
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21 Responses to Millions Of Russian Hackers Found In U.S.of A.

  1. Terry; I know for sure it’s the Russians. They took me up to their mothership 2 nites ago and told me everything. It was kinda funny when Stalin and Gorbachev got into it cause Brerznev was spilling the borscht. Putin finally stepped in and told them to either shut up or it’s Siberia.
    Putin explained how he used psy-ops to mind control Americans into voting against Hillary whenever the code word “Putin” was mentioned and, as of midnight Tuesday, Nov. 8th rolled over into Wednesday, whenever the word “Clinton” was mentioned, all would be erased. It was fascinating.
    I got back into bed by 11 and can remember every detail as though it never happened…
    I can’t wait for the CNN interview…

  2. I.R. Wayright says:

    Has anyone analyzed WHY Putin would want Trump over Hillary?
    If you were head of the Russian Federation wouldn’t you want a weaker America?
    So, until the DNC can explain that logic, they can go pound sand.
    No one believed that “Stronger Together” crap Hillary was pushing. We all know she would continue following Obama’s plan to destroy the country.

  3. Hardnox says:

    Good piece. Too bad the lefties would see this as real news and believe every word.

    One thing that is missing in this entire story is the Left has never denied a single word that was exposed by WikiLeaks. NOT ONE WORD.

    The only thing the Left has complained about is that they were exposed.

  4. Sun Tzu says:

    Yep Vlad did it! Here’s proof.
    Thanks Vlad!

  5. captbogus2 says:

    Seems the government needs to fall back on crypto, and courriers with briefcase handcuffed to their wrist.

    • Terry says:

      More like ‘kryptonite’ Cap’n.
      And if they used the ol’ handcuffed briefcase routine, Crazy Unca Joe would just point out who had the briefcase.

  6. Wingman says:

    Damn! Just when I was getting used to being a bigoted racist anti muslim xenophobe that was an irredeemable deplorable, I’ve got to wear the Russian hacker label also. I’m gonna have to get new business cards printed up.

  7. SafeSpace says:

    Just wait until the screaming bitter vaginas on The View get ahold of this piece….

  8. Blessed B. says:

    I’m thinking that every American that voted for Trump should be sending Vlad a great big “THANK YOU”! for hacking the election. It’s just the right thing to do.

    Imagine if the average American, low-info. voter , snowflake, actually got Criminal Hillary elected! You’d all be living in the dark ages now!