and comes out with both barrels blazing!
Wash DC – CIA spokesman Joe Schmuckatelly confirmed today, 14 December 2016, that the Russians had indeed helped Donald J. Trump win the election not just by hacking but by psychically controlling voters across the US. “They had,” Schmuckatelly said, “legions of mind readers, mental networkers, mind commandos, and psychic viewers out in Siberia, on an undisclosed base, mentally attacking voters all across the USA! They were forced by these psychics to vote for Trump. As a matter of fact,” he continued, “those rallies for Trump, where thousands gathered to hear him, were all warm up sessions of mind control by the Russians.” “It was,” he said, “ghastly to read about in the NY Times, er, secret memos from CNN.”
A few minutes later into the interview, CIA spokesman Joe Schmuckatelly confirmed that the CIA also had uncovered evidence by raiding Vladimir Putin’s secret stash on the following:
- Elvis faked his death to finally be able to finally climb Mount Everest without being hasseled. (He made it there and back.)
- JFK WAS assassinated because SkyNet went active.
- Bush 43 hid Saddam’s WMD’s in Rosie O’Donnell’s crack since no one would ever look there (unless forced!).
- That ET was real and spying for the KGB while working at Disney as Mickey Mouse.
- It was never peak oil but peak water, which is dribbling out of a leaking faucet, in Antarctica, and out into space, lost forever.
- Bush 43 used a weather machine to cause Katrina to hit New Orleans.
- That the Russians knew about Pearl Harbor as far back as 1 December 1933 and never warned us.
- Zika virus came from a meteor that hit in Siberia and Russians added the virus to the chemtrails over the US!
And perhaps the worst? That the Russians have secretly implanted devices not unlike the Vulcan Mind Meld thingy into prominent Democrat politicians making them blink like Nancy Pelosi and act stupid like Barbara Boxer!
Lame Duck President Barack Obama immediately ordered intelligence agencies to review the evidence and then draw a red line in the sand. “If anyone needs me,” he said, “I’ll be on the golf links again.”
VP Joe Biden had this to say, “The Russians are to blame for everything wrong in the world today. I mean you can’t even get a good slushy at 7-11 without hearing Indian spoke. I mean, I can’t grope a teenybopper without someone seeing it and I don’t know how much those pesky Russkies have used mind control on us for over the last 50 years. I can feel the impact now,” he added. “Oh,” he finished, “I have no doubt that they are behind everything that screws us, including those slushies I mentioned. Hey look, a squirrel.”
CIA spokesman Joe Schmuckatelly summed it all up: “Russia probably created the Zika virus and spread it during President Obama’s many vacations but because they support Trump, they’re really, really bad actors but I cannot show you any documentation since it is Ultra Super Dooper Top Secret and you will just have to trust us on this because we accurately predicted the fall of the Soviet Union too. Oh wait, scratch that.”