Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month, otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, there comes a knock on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
“Name’s Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00.”
“Great,” says Jeff. “After six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”
As Stan is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin’.”
“Not a problem,” says Jeff. “After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of ’em.”
Again the big man starts to leave and stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”
“Well I get along with people. I’ll be all right and if not, I can handle myself pretty well. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”
“More ‘n’ likely be some wild sex too.”
“Now that’s really not a problem,” says Jeff, warming to the idea. “I’ve been all alone for six months. I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?”
“Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.”
Redneck Tips – Serious Stuff Here
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table…no matter how good his manners are.
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
HIGH SCHOOL — 1955 vs 2016
Jack goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.
1957 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2016 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called infor traumatized students and teachers.
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957- Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2016 – Police called and SWAT team arrives — they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled- even though Johnny started it.
Jeffrey will not be in class, he disrupts other students.
1957- Jeffrey sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. ( He is threatened by ” military school” or “nuns” by his parents when he goes home…or a paddling by his father for disrupting class.)
2016 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability. His parents are reported for psychological abuse to Child protective services.
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping.
1957- Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2016 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being spanked herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957- Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2016 – The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons. He goes to Juvie Hall for 3 years with out probation.
Pedro fails high school English.
1957- Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2016 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by a radical group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files a class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is then banned from the basic curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway, but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957- Ants die.
2016 – ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents – and all siblings are removed from their home. All computers are confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. PETA sues the family for animal abuse.
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee . He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.
Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 -In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2016 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
And lastly….. but mostly…
(special thanks to vonMesser, Wendy, Grunt, Saltwater, Skip, Blessed B, Gil)
This is an especially wonderful Friday.
The sky is bluer, the grass is greener, the air is sweeter, and the sounds of lefty heads exploding is music to our ears.
Keep your powder dry.