Funny Friday

This is funny.

Sent to us by Skip.


 

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, ‘Madonna Look’ using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.


 

Regardless of who wins the presidential election this November, we will witness history being made.

If Hillary Clinton wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that two U.S. presidents have slept with each other!

If Donald Trump wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family!


 

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7. It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.

He got an A.

 


a


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hillary

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hillary1

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media

media1

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media3


media4

Lefty reaction to Wikileaks

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obama1


pussy2-1

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pussy-wookie

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pussy3


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trump

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(special thanks to Skip, Terry, vonMesser, for their submissions)

Have a great Friday and a better weekend.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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6 Responses to Funny Friday

  1. Felinity says:

    Esp. like the fork one…did a cut & paste and sent to several friends with the heading: “Sign Of The Tines”. :>)

  2. Peppermint says:

    OMG! The first story about the man in the store had me in stitches, My stomach hurts from laughing. That one is priceless.

    Give my thanks to Skip for a great laugh this morning.

  3. clyde says:

    Excellent. That Target story gave me some outstanding ideas!! Bwahahahaha

    • captbogus2 says:

      Gave me some ideas, too. Except I have already solved the shopping stint. Near WalMart and the local grocery store is a beer joint. That is my “Day Care” center for when she goes shopping. No longer do I say, “Hurry up!” Now it’s, “Take all the time you need, Dear.”

  4. These Hillary/o’shitbag posts were all awesome. Wish they’d get posted on TV ads…
    Loved the Target letter especially…lmfao!

  5. Terry says:

    I love Roy D. Mercer. There’s a million of those on YouTube and they are all funny as HildaBeast falling down the stairs !

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
    She put an ad in the local paper that read:

    HUSBAND WANTED:
    MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

    On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
    Much to her surprise (and dismay), she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

    The old woman said, ‘You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!
    The old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I cannot run around on you!’
    She snorted. ‘You don’t have any arms either!’
    Again, the old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I can never beat you!’

    She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ‘Are you still good in bed???’
    The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
    ‘Rang the doorbell didn’t I?’
    —————————————————————————————————————–

    A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn’t do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn’t live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.

    On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem… How to carry his entire purchase home.

    The feed store owner said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Hey, thanks!” said the biker, and out the door he went.

    In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost, and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane.

    The biker said, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.” We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time”.

    The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”

    The biker said, “Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?”

    The lady said, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”