Funny Friday


Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery.

As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket. She says to Donald, “See how clever I am? The owner didn’t see anything and I don’t even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election.

The Donald says to Hillary, “That’s the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “What did you do with the pastries?” Trump replies, “Look in Hillary’s pocket”.

—oo—

If you were to strip naked and run around in a circle at the speed of 299.8 m/sec (the speed of light) it would theoretically be possible for you to screw yourself.

However, since you are not physically capable of achieving that speed at your age, you can easily accomplish the same result by voting Democratic in the Nov. 8, 2016 election.

—oo—

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods meet at a fund raiser. Woods turns to Wonder and says: “How is the singing career going?”

Stevie Wonder replies: “Not too bad! How’s the golf?”

Woods replies: “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right now.”

Stevie Wonder says: “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.

Tiger Woods says: “You play golf?”

Stevie Wonder says: “Oh, yes, I’ve been playing for years.”

Woods says: “But, you’re blind. How can you play golf if you’re blind?”

Wonder replies: “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.”

“But, how do you putt?”, asks Woods.

“Well,” says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.”

Woods asks: “What’s your handicap?”

Stevie says, “Well, I’m a scratch golfer.”

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”

Wonder replies: “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.”

Woods thinks about it and says, “OK, I’m game for that, when would you like to play?”

Stevie says, “Pick a night.”

—oo—

At The Villages in Florida last week, there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: “I miss Chicago .”

Someone broke the window, stole the radio, shot out all four of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read: “Hope this helps”

—oo—

2nd


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mcdonalds


bettywhite


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debate


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hillary-logo


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media


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prison


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russians

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love

(Special thanks to Skip, 219rad, Blessed B, Gil and vonMesser for their contributions)

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

 

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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9 Responses to Funny Friday

  1. Adrienne says:

    You outdid yourself, Hardnox.

  2. Deserttrek says:

    luv it thanks

  3. Terry says:

    Nox, I see you learned nothing from Jeff Dunham’s dummies !

    ————————————————————-

    Three handsome male dogs were walking down the street when they saw a beautiful, enticing, female poodle. The three male dogs fell over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but ended up arriving in front of her at the same time.

    The males were speechless before her beauty, slobbering all over themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decided to be kind and tell them:

    “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

    The sturdy, muscular black lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”

    “Oh, how childish,” said the poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

    She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?

    “Ummmm…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurted the Golden Retriever.

    “My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the lab’s sentence.”

    She then turned to the final dog and said, “How about you, little guy?”

    The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, was the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gave her a smile, a sly wink, turned to the Golden Retriever and the lab and said….
    “Liver alone, cheese mine.”
    ——————————————–

    Taquan decided to go to the revival meeting to see if the preacher there could give him a hand with his hearing. When he arrives, he sits down quietly and waits until the preacher asks the congregation if anyone needs his assistance through prayer.

    Taquan raises his hand, and the preacher motions for him to come over and queue up with the other people who are in need of some divine assistance.
    He patiently waits his turn, until he’s up next. The preacher asks him: ” Brotherman, what do you want me to pray about for you?
    “Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing,” he replies.

    The preacher puts one finger in Taquan’s ear and places his other hand on top of his head. He prays for what seems like an eternity, totally committed to ensuring Taquan doesn’t have any further problems with his hearing.
    After he prayed for him sufficiently, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked Taquan :
    “How is your hearing now?”

    “I don’t know, Reverend, it’s not until next Wednesday.”