Funny Friday

 

airport-security (1)


A preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men his age, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects…

1. A Bible…

2. A silver dollar….

3. A bottle of whiskey…

4. And a Playboy magazine…

‘I’ll just hide behind the door,’ the old preacher said to himself. When he comes home from school today, I’ll see which object he picks up.

If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine, he’s going to be a skirt-chasing womaniser.’

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He
picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month’s centrefold.

‘Lord have mercy,’ the old preacher disgustedly whispered. “He’s going to be a politician”.

(from Skip)

—oo—

The following is purported to be an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company (Iarnród Éireann).

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
——————————–
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
———————————–
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and indeed I think you are the ones who are confused in your history.  If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.  That… Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!

Yours feckin’ truly,
Patrick Finnegan

(from Rose Ann)

—oo—

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Ruger, the Wonder Dog, that weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won’t let me shop there anymore.

(from Skip)

—oo—

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It’s after midnight.

While enroute home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man’s head.

The wife shouts, ‘Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited the money.’

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

HE paid for your new 20 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.

HE paid for your Packer season tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.

HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, ‘What would you do’?

The cabby replies, ‘I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.’

(from Wendy)

—oo—

Why older men have trouble getting a job:

Job Interview –

Human Resources Manager: “What is your greatest weakness?”

Older Man : “Honesty.”

Human Resources Manager: “I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”

Older Man : “I don’t really give a shit what you think.”

(from Skip)

—oo—

I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslim girl with the most amazingly colorful parrot perched on her shoulder.

“Where did you get that from?” I asked.

“Germany, there’s f****** thousands of ‘em, said the parrot.”

(from Wendy)

—oo—

Who says building a border wall won’t work?

The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don’t have Mexicans.

(from Gil)

—oo—

aid


birches


bribe


clinton hit


Clinton1


clinton-witness-removal


crazy


doors


facebook


fashion


hillary3


Hillarytruth


Hillarytruth2


Historic-Hillary


launch-codes


liar


StateDept



Flash News from the Trump campaign:

soros


Trump-Police-Car-Fan-Art-Hillary-Twitter-768x432 Trump-Police-Car-Fan-Art-Twitter-768x432


trumpvegas


About those Syrian refugees…

Refuges


Weiner stuff…

Wiener1



More Dick pics…

SANTA CLARA, CA - OCTOBER 04: Inside linebacker Clay Matthews #52 of the Green Bay Packers sacks quarterback Colin Kaepernick #7 of the San Francisco 49ers during their NFL game at Levi's Stadium on October 4, 2015 in Santa Clara, California. (Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images) 570149351


Baltimore


Black-Votes-Matter


Those Swedes….

ikea


Oh, about that stolen election thingy…

guns

dog


Yay!  It’s back to school…

School

—oo—

Have a great Friday… we’re winning!

Beware of jumping Lefties.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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11 Responses to Funny Friday

  1. Uriel says:

    Lot of good ones today Hardnox. Had to grab a wipee as I read them. It’s hard to drink coffee and read these. 🙂

  2. Thanks for the funny today, Nox! Just saw this new one about that launch failure at KSC: “What did this rocket know about Hillary?” LMAO!
    https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-y1XmyUCadZY/V8mZtGYb23I/AAAAAAAA5e4/bX4xef_1MSIWCKEkHhP0jRdjcFvGf712ACLcB/s1600/roflbot.jpg

    • Hardnox says:

      That’s too funny. Probably had those remaining emails as the payload.

      Funny thing… when I heard about this event I immediately thought of you.

      Was it a butterfingers moment? Bwhahahahahahaha

  3. Just Gene says:

    It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change
    the admittance policy.

    The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

    So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of
    Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, “Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.”

    “No problem,” the man said. “I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair.
    But her lover was nowhere in sight.. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn’t you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn’t die.This ticked me off even more.

    In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought
    of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the
    balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and
    crushed him!

    The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.” The Angel sat back and thought a moment.
    Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion.
    So, the Angel announced, “OK, sir.. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and let him in .

    A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel’s surprise, it was Donald Trump. “Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.” Trump said, “No problem. But you’re not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!

    Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony
    below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of
    course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke
    my fall, so I didn’t die right away.

    As I’m laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in
    excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things
    off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me,
    killing me.

    The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story.
    “I could get used to this new policy,” he thinks to himself. “Very
    well,” the Angel announces. “Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and he lets Trump enter.

    A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is
    almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel’s head. Finally he says, “Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died.” Clinton says, “OK, picture this. I’m naked, inside a refrigerator……”
    luvya

  4. Blessed B. says:

    An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
    to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
    up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

    The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
    stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

    “Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God,
    or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

    “Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
    you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
    stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
    out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

    The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence,
    thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which
    the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss
    God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

    And then she went back to reading her book.

  5. Terry says:

    PIMP here ! So many funnies to piss off the Facebook libs with !!

    I don’t have a joke for this week, but I do have just 1 suggestion : Next to the prison cell door on ” Clinton’s Doors thru History” should be The Gates Of Hell.

  6. GoHuggaTree says:

    It’s already Saturday, but this one is worth a watch. Kudos to CBS for airing it! (Please cut and paste; the link may not be live).
    http://teapartyeconomist.com/2016/09/03/video-atheists-dont-have-no-songs-steve-martin/