A preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men his age, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects…
1. A Bible…
2. A silver dollar….
3. A bottle of whiskey…
4. And a Playboy magazine…
‘I’ll just hide behind the door,’ the old preacher said to himself. When he comes home from school today, I’ll see which object he picks up.
If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine, he’s going to be a skirt-chasing womaniser.’
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He
picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month’s centrefold.
‘Lord have mercy,’ the old preacher disgustedly whispered. “He’s going to be a politician”.
The following is purported to be an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company (Iarnród Éireann).
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Irish Railway Company
I am in receipt of your letter, and indeed I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That… Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours feckin’ truly,
(from Rose Ann)
Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Ruger, the Wonder Dog, that weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won’t let me shop there anymore.
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It’s after midnight.
While enroute home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man’s head.
The wife shouts, ‘Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited the money.’
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for your new 20 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.
HE paid for your Packer season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, ‘What would you do’?
The cabby replies, ‘I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.’
Why older men have trouble getting a job:
Job Interview –
Human Resources Manager: “What is your greatest weakness?”
Older Man : “Honesty.”
Human Resources Manager: “I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”
Older Man : “I don’t really give a shit what you think.”
I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslim girl with the most amazingly colorful parrot perched on her shoulder.
“Where did you get that from?” I asked.
“Germany, there’s f****** thousands of ‘em, said the parrot.”
Who says building a border wall won’t work?
The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don’t have Mexicans.
Flash News from the Trump campaign:
About those Syrian refugees…
More Dick pics…
Oh, about that stolen election thingy…
Yay! It’s back to school…
Have a great Friday… we’re winning!
Beware of jumping Lefties.