Funny Friday – August 12, 2016

friday

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If you were to strip naked and run around in a circle at the speed of 299,800 km/sec (the speed of light) it would theoretically be possible for you to screw yourself.

However, since you are not physically capable of achieving that speed at your age, you can easily accomplish the same result by:

Voting Democratic in the Nov. 8, 2016, election.

(hatip vonMesser)

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I have a Benefit Question. Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter.  After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times,and he fell in love with my step-daughter.

My father eventually married her without my authorization.

As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law.

My father’s wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter’s mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father’s wife.

Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife’s grandchild. A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father’s brother-in-law, the step-son of my father’s wife, and my uncle.

My son is also my step-mother’s brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather. In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father’s son-in-law, and my step-mother’s brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours,
Mohammed

Reply:  Of course you qualify Mo!  I have arranged to start mailing checks to all of you just as soon as you arrive here in the United States.

Welcome to your new home my son, and don’t worry. My successor, Hillary, will continue your benefits. Enjoy your new digs and healthcare also.

Barack Obama

(hat-tip Skip)

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2016

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2016-1

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012017

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Accomplishents

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beauty

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Wow, it’s true…

beer

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bullshit

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bumpersticker

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canada

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clintonstate

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congress

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Green Energy…

daily_gifdump_1119_05

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Dem-Extremists

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desk

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drunk

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europe

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fb

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fb2

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flow chart

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forest gump

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Meanwhile in Chicongo…
ghetto decal

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zero1

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Memo from Clyde…

Giant-Meteor

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glock

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hillary for prison

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Hillary-v-Trump

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Hillary-Wall-Street

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il douche

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junk

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king zero

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libmeat

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lies

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media

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Olympic Highlights….

Mexicos_National_Sport__3501

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trump3

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This is what you get when you use the seat covers off a BWM:

modree

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muzzieass

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Passing-Prius

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pilot

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Meanwhile in Vermont…

pres

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slow

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squint

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terrorism —oo—

vegetarian

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vet

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voted

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who

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(special thanks to Blessed B and Terry)

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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4 Responses to Funny Friday – August 12, 2016

  1. Terry says:

    Wow that’s a treasure trove of truths you have today Nox ! ROFL !!

    A young man was in the market for a used motorcycle. He’s shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck.
    One day, he comes across a beautiful, classic Harley with a “for sale” sign on it. Upon inspection, he is delighted to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: “This bike is beautiful!! I’ll take it. But you have to tell me how you keep it in such good shape!”

    “Well,” says the seller, “it’s pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it’s going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you’re buying the bike I won’t need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it.” and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

    So our hero buys the bike and off he goes! He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She’s ecstatic (being a Harley fan herself). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend’s parents’ house. See, it was the first time he was going to meet them and figured it would make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend’s arm.
    “Sweetie,” she says,” I have to tell you something about my parents before we go in. It’s really embarrassing but it’s a family tradition. When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.”
    “No problem,” he says with a smile. “Sounds like fun”. And in they go.

    The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In fact, the entire house is littered with piles of them. This thing was no joke!
    They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, our hero gets more and more bored. To spice things up, he decides to test the limits of this game this family plays. He reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, undresses her, and proceeds to make love to her on the dinner table.
    While that is going on, he thinks: “her mother must have had her as a teen, she’s gorgeous…”, so he grabs his girlfriend’s mother and proceeds to make love to HER on that same dinner table,
    But still, no one says a word.
    A thunder sounds and heavy rain begins to fall. The ardent boyfriend panics thinking of his perfect Harley!
    He lets go of the mother and as he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket, the father stands up and shouts:
    “ALRIGHT! I’ll do the bloody dishes!”
    ————————–

    Three friends, a Rabbi, a Hindu holy man and a lawyer, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

    The farmer said, “There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn.”
    “No problem,” chimed the Rabbi, “My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening in their memory.” With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

    Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. “What’s wrong?” asked the farmer. He replied, “I am grateful to you, good sir, but I can’t sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.”

    His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurred. There was a knock on the door. “What’s wrong, now?” the farmer asked. The Hindu holy man replied, “I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can’t sleep on holy ground!”

    Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.
    Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door.

    Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood…

    The pig and the cow.

    • GruntOfMonteCristo says:

      Dammit, Terry! That was pretty good, but now you got me trying to think up a good “Hillary Clinton Scooby van breakdown” joke. I don’t know how to set it up, but I’m pretty sure the punch lines would go something like:

      SecretService Dude: “It was very good of you to let Mrs. Clinton stay in your luxury guest home at the other side of your kale field last night, Farmer Jones.”
      Farmer Jones: “Yeah, there’s really no guest home over there. And nobody’s ever made it across that bull pasture, so you fellers don’t need to rush through breakfast. Coffee’s on me!”