I was sitting at a long stop light yesterday, thinking about what I would do to keep busy for the rest of the week, minding my own business and patiently waiting for the light to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic.
An old Nissan full of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a “Remember 9-11″ slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, “Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America” and took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself ,”Man, that could have been me!”
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
The smaller crocodile turned to the bigger one and said, ‘I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age and we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.’
‘Well,’ said the big Croc, ‘what have you been eating?’
‘Politicians, same as you,’ replied the small croc.
‘Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?’
‘In their parking lot where they leave their fancy cars while at work’
‘Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?’
‘Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ’em!’
‘Ah!’, says the big Crocodile. ‘I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase’.
A mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Pete in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
“What happened Paddy?” She asks anxiously.
“What happened!! I’ll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home… and guess what I found??
“Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Tim McDurmt in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”
“Come now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. “There now Pete, you see? I told you there must be a simple explanation!
“Well WHAT is it?” Fumed Pete.
“She never got your E-mail!”
A suicide bomber died and went to Paradise, as foretold.
When he arrived there he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his 72 virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.
Allah looked at him for a moment, then replied, “Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because people like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So, you’re here to service them. Since they’re virgins, they’re quite sexually ravenous and frankly, you’ll be on constant, exhausting duty. I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail.
The bomber responded, “Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?”
Allah replied, “Who told you they were women?
A young Arkie goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home.
“Dad,” he says, “You won’t believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole’ Blue how to talk!”
“That’s amazing,” his Dad says. “How do I get Ole’ Blue in that program?”
“Just send him over here with $1,000” the young Arkie says “and I’ll get him in the course.”
So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
So how’s Ole’ Blue doing son?” his Father asks.
“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this — they’ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!”
“Read!?” says his Father, “No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?”
“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.”
The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad. She very quickly came up with a plan for him.
So she has him shoot the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.
“Where’s Ole’ Blue? I just can’t wait to see him read something and talk!”
“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does”.
“Then Ole’ Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?”
The Father went white and exclaimed, “I hope you shot that lying damn dog before he talks to your Mother!”
“I sure did, Dad!”
“That’s my boy!”
The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school in Fayetteville , he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States , and you already know what a lying bitch his girlfriend turned out to be!
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called “Wine” to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large “kegs”.
Wine is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Wine and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After drinking Wine, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that “something bad” occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings, in a familiar scam known as “a Relationship”. It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as “Marriage”. Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Wine is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious Wine and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up “Golf Courses” or “Gun Ranges” in the yellow pages.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.
He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
“I’ve got to get this guy!” Coach said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”
“I don’t want to talk to you, the old woman says.”You are not my son!”
“I don’t think you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”
“No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!” The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,……….
“I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!!!”
Three bulls on the farm overhear the farmer talking about bringing in another bull.
The largest says “Half these cows are mine, and I’m not sharing!”
The next bull says “Most of the rest are mine, and I’m not giving any up!”
The smallest bull says “I’ve only got 2, and no way I’m giving those up!.
Just then a truck pulls up. The trailer is bouncing, about to turn over. A roar comes out of the trailer as the back gate is kicked off it’s hinges. Out jumps the largest, meanest, baddest bull any of them has ever seen!
First bull – “Perhaps I should be neighborly and share a few cows”
Second bull – “Yes, that would be the best thing for barnyard life.”
The third bull jumps the fence, paws the ground, and bellows at the new bull!
“What the hell are you doing!” they yell.
“I just want him to know I’m a bull!!!”
Do you know why lawyers wear their ties so tight?
It holds their foreskins down.
(Special thanks to Terry, Wendy, Garnet, Rose Ann, Buck, Gil, Skip, and Pat for their contributions)
Have a great Friday. Don’t forget to piss off a lefty, you’re country depends on you.