Funny Friday – November 13, 2015

This is funny.  The worst car EVER built and it’s German:

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Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.
______________________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3.  This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

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While taxiing at London ‘s Gatwick Airport , the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the U.S. Air crew, screaming: ” U.S. Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!!”

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to!

You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”

“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of U.S. Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

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dem voters

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Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’

Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’

They are knocked over, but continue to ask. ‘So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’

‘I lied about my age,’ Bob replies. ‘

What, did you tell her you were only 50?’

Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’

—oo—

watersports

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Tyrone was having trouble in school. His teacher was always yelling at him, “You’re driving me crazy, Tyrone, can’t you learn anything!!?” One day Tyrone’s mother came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told her honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career. The mom was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was remarkably successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died. The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, he had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.

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english

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As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to make a difference in the world.  It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other seniors who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person.

QUOTE FROM HAROLD: “I’ve often been asked, ‘… What do you old folks do now that you’re retired?’

Well, I stay active and happy. I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer and scotch into urine. Then I take a jog out to the shed and piss on a picture of Obama. I do this several times every day. I really enjoy it and get my exercise too!”

Harold is an inspiration to us all.

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All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. “I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. “I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked
up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest.”

The clerk couldn’t help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says “I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.”

“I don’t know” replies the man. “Picture this, I’m buck naked, hiding in this cedar chest……”

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healthy

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You’ll be fine,” the Doctor said after finishing the young Woman’s surgery.

She asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, Doctor?

The Surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye. The girl was alarmed.

“What’s the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won’t I?”

He replied, “Yes, you’ll be fine. It’s just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.”

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Our new Funny Friday cheerleader

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(Special thanks to Skip, von Messer, Terry, Hershey, Jim, Blessed B, Garnet92)

Have a glorious Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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12 Responses to Funny Friday – November 13, 2015

  1. WTX_GunRunner says:

    Excellent stuff, Nox! Nice start to Friday. Oh, grab the cat and let’s get outta here!

    ~~~***~~~

    Al Sharpton was in Sears. He was there to protest the fact that most of the washing machines were white.
    So the clerk called the store manager who asked, “What’s the problem here, Reverend?”
    Sharpton pointed at the machines and bemoaned the fact that most of them were white.
    The manager replied, “Well, Reverend, it’s true that most of the washing machines are white, but if you will open the lids, you will see that all the agitators are black.”
    ~~~***~~~

    When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

    He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

    The clerk looked at his picture closely. “It’s okay,” he reassured the man: “That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”
    ~~~***~~~

    A car was pulled over by a highway patrolwoman for speeding.

    As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. “What are those for?” she asked suspiciously.

    “I’m a juggler,” the man replied. “I use those in my act.”

    “Well, show me,” the officer demanded.

    The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them; first three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and amazing the officer.

    Just then, another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, “My God. I’ve got to give up drinking! Look at the test they’re giving now.”
    ~~~***~~~

    Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride.

    He sits down next to a guy that jerks his arm to the left every few seconds, accidentally hitting Fred over and over. This really starts to get on Fred’s nerves, so he asks “What the heck is wrong with you?”

    The reply is, “I got this in the war.”

    Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats.

    The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and even kicks Fred a few times. So Fred asks him, “What the heck is wrong with you?”

    Again the answer is, “I got this in the war.”

    Fred moves again.

    The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his left hand. Fred says, “Let me guess, you got that in the war.”

    The reply was, “No, I got it out of my nose. I can’t get it off of my hand.”
    ~~~***~~~

    Eeewww ! LOL Enough for this week. Have a great weekend everyone.

  2. CW says:

    My guys will get a big kick out of the “worst car” video. They would probably enjoy the new cheerleader too but I’m not going to send it to them.

  3. Kathy says:

    Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London.

    After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland ‘

    The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’

    The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’

    The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin , I am.’ The first one responds, ‘So am I!’

    ‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’

    The other bloke says, ‘A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.’

    The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?’

    The other bloke answers, ‘Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.’ The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?’

    The other bloke answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’

    The first one exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!’

    About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.

    Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’

    Vicky asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’

    ‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’

  4. Uriel says:

    Great Friday start (Well all but the cheerleader – bias I call it lol)

  5. Crawfish says:

    Cheers!

  6. Garnet92 says:

    An truly EXCELLENT group of funnies, Nox! As a car guy, I especially liked the worst car video – I’ve never heard about nor seen that POS before – it was truly enlightening!

  7. captbogus2 says:

    Four men were sitting at the table of the diner car on Amtrac. One of the men spoke to the one across from him, “You’re a Harvard man, aren’t you?” “Why, yes,” the other replied, “But how can you tell?” “I recognize your school tie,” he said, then to the man sitting beside him, “And you’re from Princeton.” “You are correct, but how did you know?” “Your exquisite manners, your perfectly tailored suit and the way you hold your fork.” The fourth at the table asked, ” Can you tell where I’m from?” “You are an Aggie,” the man replied. “Amazing, but how did you tell? Was it my tie or my clothes?” “No.” Was it my demeanor?” “No.” “Well, I’m puzzled. What was it?” The man replied, “I saw your class ring when you were picking your nose.”

  8. vonMesser says:

    In Washington State the two big rival schools are University of Washington (Huskies) and Washington State University (Cougars). There are tons of Husky-Coug jokes

    What’s the first thing a Husky says to his Coug friend after graduation?
    ……………Do you want fries with that?
    What does the Coug reply with?
    …………..Do you take food stamps?
    (Feel free to substitute your own favorite college teams here)