An Israeli doctor says: “In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work.
The German doctor says: “That’s nothing. In Germany, we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.”
The Russian doctor says: “Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in an other’s chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.”
The American doctor laughs: “You all are behind us. seven years ago, we took a Muslim with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!”
Memories from Catholic School
Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin , the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew in her lovely Irish brogue nervously made the following painful announcement..:
“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up — one minute prior to take-off by our airport catering service… I don’t know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and,unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals… I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”
When passengers’ muttering had died down, she continued.. , “Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.”
Her next announcement came four hours later… “If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available.”
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married – Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and of course Opie – all single.
The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks. “No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too.
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband. “Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand.
He said, ‘Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!’
The preacher said, ‘Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.’
The man said, ‘I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!’
The preacher said, ‘No shit?’
(special thanks to Jim, Skip, Rose Ann, Uriel, Brian, and Kathy)
Have a great Friday.