Funny Friday – November 6, 2015

An Israeli doctor says: “In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work.

The German doctor says: “That’s nothing. In Germany, we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.”

The Russian doctor says: “Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in an other’s chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.”

The American doctor laughs: “You all are behind us. seven years ago, we took a Muslim with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him President.  Now, the whole country is looking for work!”

—oo—

Memories from Catholic School

—oo—

Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin , the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew in her lovely Irish brogue nervously made the following painful announcement..:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up — one minute prior to take-off by our airport catering service… I don’t know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and,unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals… I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”

When passengers’ muttering had died down, she continued.. , “Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.”

Her next announcement came four hours later… “If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available.”

—oo–

—oo—

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married – Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and of course Opie – all single.

The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Just Say’in

—oo—

—oo—

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks. “No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too.

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband. “Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.

—oo–

Sansers Wage copy

—oo—

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand.

He said, ‘Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!’

The preacher said, ‘Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.’

The man said, ‘I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!’

The preacher said, ‘No shit?’

—oo—

Sanders Poverty Lift copy

—oo—

chicago voters

—oo—

syria

—oo—

—oo—

(special thanks to Jim, Skip, Rose Ann, Uriel, Brian, and Kathy)

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
Tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Funny Friday – November 6, 2015

  1. Kathy says:

    LOL! at the Maberry characters. Had not thought of it in that respect, but so true!!

    ~

    An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”

    So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

    One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

    Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

    God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

    Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

    God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

    Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

  2. WTX_GunRunner says:

    Poor Otis, huh? lmao ! ! So the engineer made things better in Hell? Maybe there’s hope for DC ? I dunno……
    ~~~***~~~

    Max the little camel walks into his parents’ room at 3 a.m. and asks for a glass of water.
    “Another one?” asks his father. “That’s the second glass this month.”
    ~~~***~~~
    An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
    As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
    “It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”
    Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed on to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
    The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”
    Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”
    Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the world laid out.
    “How much to eat?” asked the old man.
    “Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.
    “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.
    Peter lectured, “That’s the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”
    With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
    Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
    The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for you and your damn bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”
    ~~~***~~~
    Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs “give me your money,” he demanded.
    Indignant, the affluent man replied, “you can’t do this – I am a United States congressman!”
    “In that case,” replied the mugger, “give me MY money.”
    ~~~***~~~
    Have a super weekend everyone !

  3. Uriel says:

    Good ones! I like the Texas video a lot.