Funny Friday – October 30, 2015

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Little Wally and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Wally goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.

Wally bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Wally , you are only 10… Where will you two live?”

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Wally replies, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”  Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”

Again, Wally instantly replies, “Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine.”

Mr. Smith is impressed Wally has put so much thought into this. “Well Wally, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?”

Wally just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

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Texas A&M Study Calls Obama the 5th Best President in American History.  Excellent research by a fine institution.

From a total of 44 U.S. Presidents, Obama has been rated as the 5th best, according to a study completed at Texas A&M University.
The Public Relations Office at A&M released this statement:

“After almost 8 years in office, American academics have rated President Obama the 5th Best President in American History”.
These are the results according to Texas A&M:

1. Lincoln and Reagan tied for first place

2. Seventeen Presidents tied for second place

3. Twenty-three other Presidents tied for third place

4. Jimmy Carter came in fourth, and…

5. Obama was fifth.

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 photo c96b682d-d885-4d55-8bbe-2c5229a4bab1.jpg

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If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the famous erudite (and comic) scientist who once said: “I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.” His mind sees things differently than most of us do. . .. Here are some of his gems:

1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.

3 – Half the people you know are below average.

4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 – 82.73% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 – If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain.

9 – All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12 – OK; so what’s the speed of dark?

13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 – Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off – – – now.

19 – I intend to live forever… So far, so good.

20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

22 – What happens if you get scared half to death – – – – twice?

23 – My mechanic told me: “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

24 – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

32 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.

34 – If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite –

35 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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bones

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Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female…… Any part under a car’s hood.
Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male….. Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female….. A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female…. An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male….. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

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democrat

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A guy stopped at the barber shop and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?’

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, ‘About 2 hours.’

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?’

The barber looked around at the shop and said, ‘About 3 hours.’

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?’

The barber looked around the shop and said, ‘About an hour and a half.’

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, ‘Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back that day.’

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, ‘So, where does he go when he leaves?’

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, — ‘Your house!’

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Pumpkin butts

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(Special thanks to Pat, Garnet, Skip, Kathy, Saltwater, Uriel, Gil, Hershey)

Have a great Friday.  Don’t let the crazy lefty shits get you down.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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16 Responses to Funny Friday – October 30, 2015

  1. Crawfish says:

    Steven Wright was great.
    I bought some powdered water. I don’t know what to add.
    My neighbor said my socks didn’t match. I said I pair them by thickness.

  2. Kathy says:

    Good stuff, Hardnox!!

    Got my gun permit yesterday, then went over to the local gun shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.

    When I was ready to pay by credit card for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”

    Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did as she had instructed.

    When the hysterical shrieking and alarms subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader.

    I’ve been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

    They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.

  3. I.R. Wayright says:

    I have a cat that thinks outside the box.
    .
    ~The litter box.~

  4. Grouchy says:

    Have you noticed that at sporting events, like baseball, Football and even ice skating, that most of the camera operators appear to be proctologist wannabe’s?????

  5. myfoxmystere says:

    Oh boy, that was funny! By the way, I just referred a conservative blogger named Cuchieddie to this site. He often commented on The Political Jungle blog site, but it looks like Jenn the site owner has taken a rest for a while. If cuchieddie comments on this site, his IP address will be from California. There’s a liberal troll who steals identities and smears conservatives known as This One, Lesterlib, Lester, Ralph and Liberalmann stalking conservative blog sites. He’s one of my and cuchieddie’s blog enemies, and will have a New York IP address if he tries to disguise himself and post here.

  6. CW says:

    Those are great! I don’t know how you guys do it. It took me about six hours of reading lame jokes to find one that wasn’t terrible. Here you go:

    A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire-truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: “Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?” Young Bobby replied with “The same number of times I’ve seen a duck holding an umbrella.”

    • Hardnox says:

      Thanks CW. Truth is that this post takes quite a bit of time. Fortunately I get a lot of help from friends for which I am grateful.

      Smart kid. 🙂

  7. Terry says:

    Really funny stuff this week. I love Steven Wright !

    An older couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The man really wanted to do something special for his beloved woman.
    He consulted with a couple of her friends and they recommended a milk bath to rejuvenate her aging complexion.
    Now that sounded like a smashing idea to the hubby.
    He paid a visit to a local dairy farmer to discuss the possibility of it.

    “No problem. I can take care of that for you” said the farmer. “When would you like to proceed ?”
    “How about Saturday ?” says the hubby.
    “Can do. Would you like it for 1 hour or 1/2 hour?” asks the farmer.
    Oh hell, let’s give her the works. 1 hour ” hubby replied.

    “Perfect” says the farmer. ” Pasteurize ?”
    “Nah” says hubby. “Just above her tits should do it “

  8. vonmesser says:

    Ghawds, I love these. Wish I had one to shar4e today.