Funny Friday – October 23, 2015

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Two terrorists are in a locker room taking their annual shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other one bending over holding his stomach in agony. He has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

“If you do not mind me saying,” said the second terrorists, “that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?”

“I regret I cannot”, lamented the first terrorist. “It is permanently stuck in my butt.”

“I do not understand,” said the other.

The first terrorist says, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, “I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.”

I said, “No shit?”

God Bless America. This story has been Verified by Brian Williams NBC anchor news. He was there when it happened.

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THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY “THOMAS COOK VACATIONS” FROM
DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”

2. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”

3. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”

4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”

5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”

6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”

7. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during siesta’ time – this should be banned.”

8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”

9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”

10. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or
ginger nuts.”

11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to! the resort. Because of this, we
were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”

12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England . It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”

13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”

14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort.’ We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer
for service.”

15. “When we were in Spain , there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told
us that there would be so many foreigners.”

16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”

17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”

18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”

19. “My fiance’ and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant.  This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”

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The recession has hit everybody really hard.

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally…

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

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Hillary crime copy

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I’m looking forward to hunting season but I do have a question.

If I shoot a buck, but I only have a doe tag, can I claim that the buck wasn’t really a buck?

I mean … maybe he’d always wanted to be a doe, but with no choice of his own he was born with the physical attributes of a male.  And yet … on the inside he’d always known he was truly a female.

I’m just wondering if the game warden will buy it, because society and the Supreme Court do.

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Engineering flowchart

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(Special thanks to von Messer, Garnet, Skip, Foreston, and Kathy)

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Have a great Friday.  Laughter is the best antidote against the shitheads.

~ Hardnox

 

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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3 Responses to Funny Friday – October 23, 2015

  1. Kathy says:

    LOL, although not quite that bad, I can relate to the lady with the gun on her husband!!

    ~

    A cowboy went to buy a new horse. After carefully watching the herd, he settled in on the best looking one of the bunch and went to negotiate a fair price with the owner.

    The seller said, “There’s something you should know about the horse. He stops running when you say, ‘Amen,’ and he starts running when you say, ‘Praise the Lord.”

    “No problem,” said the cowboy, “I’ll take it.”

    As he began to ride away on the horse. He decided to test the horse. “Amen,” he said, and the horse stopped on the road just as the other man had said he would do.

    Then he hollered out, “Praise the Lord!”

    The horse took off running like mad. The cowboy held on as tight as he could. He then noticed that they were racing towards the edge of a cliff.

    He began screaming, “Stop!!! Stop, you stupid horse!! Whoah!!” He pulled on the reins with all the strength he had in him, yet nothing worked. So he began praying, “Dear God, PLEASE let the horse stop! PLEASE!!! AMEN!”

    The horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff.

    With great jubilation and enthusiasm the man screamed,

    “PRAISE THE LORD!!”

  2. Grouchy says:

    All good ones, Hardnox,,, and Kathy, I feel sorry for that horse and cowboy,,, In that order~!

    The Outhouse

    Once there was a young boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse and the boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.

    The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

    One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the young boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

    That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the boy asked why.

    The dad replied, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn’t it son?”

    The boy answered yes.

    Then he thought a moment and said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.”

    The dad replied, “Well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in the cherry tree.”

    Have a good week-end, Folks~!