Funny Friday – October 2, 2015

Think you are having a bad day ?

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed. but keep reading….

Still think you’re having a bad day ?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled petrol with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Still having a bad day ?

Just remember, it could be worse..

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day ?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you’re having a bad day ?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.

What ?! STILL having a bad day ??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with ‘return to sender’ stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better ?

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Winner of the Chicago Tribune’s best Tweet of the week:

“I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.”

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She desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, ‘Well then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!’

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ‘Well little lady, why don’t you go give it a try?’

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead ‘gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the ‘gator.

Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration ……

“Son-of-a-gun!! THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT TOO!”

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One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week. The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you ‘ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, ‘I can not accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

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A lady says to her doctor: “My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?”

The doctor replies: “Give him the opportunity to speak while he’s awake!”

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spider cup

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image1

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ba rack

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wall

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farts

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(Special thanks to Skip, Buck, Crawfish, Kathy, Gil)

Have a great Friday,

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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17 Responses to Funny Friday – October 2, 2015

  1. WTX_GunRunner says:

    Great stuff! Yep, you MIGHT be having a bad day. HOWEVER……. LOL

    ~~~***~~~

    When a man arrived home from work, his wife was waiting for him.
    She sat him down and told him she had good news and bad news about the car.

    “Right,” he said. “What’s the good news?”

    She said: “The air bag works.”

    ~~~***~~~

    Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was and I said “Fried Chicken”.
    She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
    The next day in class, my teacher asked me what my favorite “live” animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed and told me not to do it again.
    I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired the most.
    I told her, “Colonel Sanders”. Guess where I am now…………

    ~~~***~~~

    A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies. The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky huntin’ license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
    The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got a Tennessee license?”
    The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said “This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. You got a Virginia huntin’ license?”
    Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?
    “The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”

    ~~~***~~~

    Reaching the end of a job interview, the human-resources officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
    The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
    The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary and a company car leased every two years … say, a red Corvette?”
    The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
    The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

    ~~~***~~~

    A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
    The bartender asks, “Where did you get that thing?”
    The parrot replies, “In France, there are millions of them!”

    ~~~***~~~

    Enjoy your weekend everybody!

  2. Kathy says:

    Oh. my. gosh. They actually have to tell people not to eat the carpet?? LOL!

    Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when Bubba says “Thinking about divorcing the wife – she hasn’t spoken to me in 2 months.”

    Earl spits overboard, takes a long slow sip of beer and says, “You better think it over; women like that are hard to find.”

  3. Saltwater says:

    A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

    So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

    So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what’s wrong.

    “The word is celebrate, not celibate!,” says the old monk with tears in his eyes.

  4. Uriel says:

    Lol. Just came across this one.

    A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

    The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
    Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany …Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

    “That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

    “You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.

    “Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

    “No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter.

    This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.
    AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT

  5. Carl says:

    There was a poll taken on a one word description of the candidates running for president.How about a poll on a one word description of our fearless leader?

    • Hardnox says:

      Welcome to N&F Carl. Ya know, that’s a good idea. We’ll do an open thread next week since the poll thingy won’t let commenters add text.. The winner gets a one year FREE subscription to N&F. 🙂

      • 219rad says:

        Why can’t the winner just be told where the darned doughnut room is? 🙂

        Polishing Apples

        ————————-
        A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

        The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932.
        The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”

        “I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple
        and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”

        “The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire
        day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this
        system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $9.80.”

        “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

  6. Just Gene says:

    A duck walks into a drug store and says, “Give me some lip balm and put it on my bill” NO COMMENTS – I’VE BEEN SICK
    luvya

  7. vonmesser says:

    As I age, I realize that ….
    1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
    2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
    3. I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off. That would certainly help!!
    4. My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
    5. The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
    6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it’s like a mini vacation..
    7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.
    8. Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
    9. Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
    10. “Getting Lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.