Funny Friday – September 25, 2015

Little Thelma comes home from first Grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.

“Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” she asks, “Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Thelma’s father thinks a bit then says “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”

“The whole ISIS group,” she says.

“Why them,” her father asks in shock?

“Well,” she says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they’d love everyone a lot. And then they’d start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn’t hate anyone anymore.”

Her father’s heart swells and he looks At his daughter with new found pride. “Thelma, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard. ”

“I know,” Thelma says, “and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of them.”

—oo—

Liberal-America

—oo—

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would
run for cover.

To Sarah’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the
next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Dowerin Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Peace Prize” they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can’t always hear the bells.

—oo—

h9ytrBZ-620x827

—oo—

A True Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if t hey understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’

‘NO!’ the children answered.

‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, the answer was ‘NO!’

‘If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, Would that get me into heaven?’

Again, they all answered ‘NO!’ I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ‘Then how can I get into heaven?’

Little Johnny for the back of the room shouted out: ‘YUV GOTTA BE DEAD!’

—oo—

—oo—

One day a florist went  to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his  door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again  replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week. The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you ‘ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came  in for a  haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, ‘I can not accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when  the barber  went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

—oo—

image1

—oo—

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son’s family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time — pancakes, ice cream, candy– just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. “Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?” he asked.

“Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn’t see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horse’s ass, socialist left wing Obama lover, blind bastard, dip shit, Muslim camel humper, peckerhead or son of a bitch anywhere we went. We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn’t have any fun.”

—oo—

kanye west

—oo—

Picture1

—oo—

(special thanks to Skip, Crawfish, Buck, Kathy)

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
Tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Funny Friday – September 25, 2015

  1. Saltwater says:

    Someone forgot to put up the sign.
    “Parking reserved for politicians”

  2. Kathy says:

    LOL, gotta love those granddads!!

    ~

    A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly at her recently married son and daughter in law’s house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

    “What are you doing?” she asked.

    “I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.

    “But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.

    “This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

    “Love dress? But you’re naked!”

    “Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy.”

    The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

    Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

    “What are you doing?” he asked.

    “This is my love dress,” she replied.

    “Needs ironing,” he says” “What’s for dinner?”

  3. Garnet92 says:

    This is why people don’t trust Senior Citizens.

    The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Pharmacy.
    When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located.
    I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.
    The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.
    I said, “Yes! Could you please taste this for me?”
    Being I’m a senior citizen…I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me.
    He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around.
    Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.
    When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?”
    The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “HELL NO!!!”
    So I said, “Oh thank God! That’s such a relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!”
    Well, I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don’t care though, because; they aren’t very friendly there anyway!!!