Funny Friday – September 18, 2015

Ron Chestna, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night .

Ron replied: “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”

The officer asked: “Really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?”

Ron replied: “That would be my wife . . . . . .

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H-Sorry-NRD-600

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1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And…

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE amazing facts are, the higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.

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toon150916

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A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch. How much will you charge me?”

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $50?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?”

“That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?” he responded.

The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.”

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already??” the startled husband asked.

“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

“Thank you,” the blonde said, “And, by the way, it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”

—oo—

Forrest Bush

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A guy goes into the U.S. Postal Service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“OK, have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.”

Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, ” Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”

The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Disabled in your country’s service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day.”

The guy is puzzled and asks, ” If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM , why do you want me to wait until 10:00 AM?”

“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that

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Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ?
Yes or No

4. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 2000s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, feel free to express your feelings e.g, anger, anxiety, inadequacy, helplessness etc.)   Should you require debriefing at conclusion of exam there are counsellors available to assist you to adjust back into the real world.

6. Teaching Math In 2050

هاتشيرو تبيع كارلواد من نهاب 100 دولار . تكلفة الإنتاج هو 80 دولاراً . كيف

الكثيرمن المال ولم؟

—oo—

—oo—

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

‘May I see the new baby?’ I asked

‘Not yet,’ She said ‘I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.’

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, ‘May I see the new baby now?’

‘No, not yet,’ she said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, ‘May I see the baby now?’

‘No, not yet,’ replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, ‘Well, when can I see the baby?’

‘When he cries!’ she told me.

‘WHEN HE CRIES?’ I demanded.  ‘Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?’

‘BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?’

—oo—

FINALLY, Racial Harmony!

image1

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(special thanks to Skip, Hershey, Garnet92, Crawfish)

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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4 Responses to Funny Friday – September 18, 2015

  1. Kathy says:

    Now we know why the line at the Post Office is always so long! LOL

    ~

    Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.

    Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

    She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

    She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

    George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just turned and walked away. He didn’t defend or deny – he just said nothing.

    Later that evening, George quietly parked his old pickup in front of Mildred’s house…he walked home…and left it there all night long.

  2. Garnet92 says:

    A California Love Story

    A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
    After having great sex … she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles.
    This was something she loved to do.
    As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, “Why do you love doing that?”

    Because … she replied … I really miss mine.

    +++

    The guy with two assholes

    Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.

    Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, ‘Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.’ The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, ‘Nope, ain’t Stanley .’

    The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, ‘Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up, Roll him over.’ The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, ‘No, it ain’t Stanley .’

    The mortician asked, ‘How can you tell?’ Gomer said, ‘Well, Stanley had two ass-holes.’

    ‘What! He had two ass-holes?’ asked the mortician.

    ‘Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say: ‘There’s Stanley with them two ass-holes.

    Cooter and Gomer are both now employed in the Obama administration as planning, development, and strategy consultants for the IRS & Justice Department.

    +++

    Subject: Mensa Quiz

    You’re on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed.

    On your right side is a sharp drop off.

    And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

    Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

    Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.

    What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

    See answer below:







    [Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!]