Funny Friday – August 28, 2015

Jenner half and half copy

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Politically Correct 2015:

1. He doesn’t have a ‘BEER GUT’ – He’s developed a… ‘LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.’

2. He is not a ‘BAD DANCER’ – He is… ‘OVERLY CAUCASIAN.’

3 He does not ‘GET LOST ALL THE TIME’ – He… ‘INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.’

4. He is not ‘BALDING’ – He is in… ‘FOLLICLE REGRESSION.’

5. He does not act like a ‘TOTAL ASS’ – He develops a case of… RECTAL – CRANIAL INVERSION.’

6. It’s not his ‘CRACK’ you see exposed in the back of his pants – It’s… ‘TROUSER CLEAVAGE.’

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A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

“Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?”

“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They’re hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.”

The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true Mom?”

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers “Yes”.

After a few minutes the kid asks, “Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?”

She said, “Most of them become taxi drivers.”

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An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

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Server Pizza copy

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If you are going to talk about foreign policy with an Obama supporter, remember this….

Most of them believe that “Iran” is what they did after they robbed the liquor store.

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Bacon Theft copy

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Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, “I’m sleeping with the minister’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after the services for
me?”

Mike doesn’t like it, but being a friend he agrees.

After the services, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he’s really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister. “My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you
occupied.”

The minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike’s shoulder and says, “You better hurry home.

My wife died a year ago.”

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Gluten Free copy

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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

“She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
“She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

”Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story’?”

“Don’t Screw with Mommy when she’s been drinking.”

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apple-toilet-600

Hillary’s new server

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A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Hillary Clinton fans.

Not really knowing what a Hillary Clinton fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different. again.

Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not a Hillary Clinton fan.”

The teacher asked, “Why aren’t you a fan of Hillary?”

Johnny said, “Because I’m a Republican.”

The teacher asked him why he’s a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, “Well, my Mom’s a Republican and my Dad’s a Republican, so I’m a Republican.”

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, “If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”

Little Johnny replied, “That would make me a Hillary Clinton fan.”

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jared

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(hat-tip to Skip, Blessed B, Crawfish, Garnet, Hershey, von Messer, Saltywater, Grouchy)

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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4 Responses to Funny Friday – August 28, 2015

  1. Kathy says:

    Don’t mess with my bacon!! LOL, good Stuff!

    ~~

    Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

    When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

    Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

    “Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous.

    She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

  2. 219rad says:

    Good stuff.

    A guy goes hunting. He leans his gun against a tree. Just then, a gust of wind blows,
    the gun falls over and discharges, shooting himself in the genitals. Several hours later,
    lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

    “Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are
    going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, but there was very little internal
    damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”

    “What’s the bad news?” asked the hunter.

    “The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis
    which left quite a few holes in it. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”

    “Well I guess that isn’t too bad,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”

    Not exactly,” answered the doctor. “She’s a flute player in the West Virginia Symphony Orchestra.
    She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.”

    * * * * * * * * * *

    The Goldberg Brothers – The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

    Here’s a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.
    The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 F degrees.

    The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

    Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

    They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

    They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 F degrees inside, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off almost immediately.

    The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

    The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, ‘The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,’ on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

    There was no way that Oldman Ford was going to put the Goldberg’s name on two million Fords.

    They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

    And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show —

    Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max — on the controls.

  3. Uriel says:

    Good way to end my week thanks Hardnox!

  4. vonmesser says:

    Medicare – Part G – Nursing Home Plan

    As an older senior citizen that can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for Medicare Part G.

    The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses?

    That’s great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

    As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any more income taxes!

    Is this a great country or what? Now that you have solved your senior financial plan, enjoy the rest of your week!

    But gee whiz, it’d sure be tough to decide which worthless politician… only one bullet? I’d pay extra for a full magazine!