What to say if your spouse finds your name on the Ashley Madison list (uh oh)

You might be one of the 37 million people who have a lot of explaining to do this weekend. We’ve thought of some excuses to help dig you out of that hole.

From: theguardian.com,  by Thomas Batten,  on Aug 22, 2015,  see the article HERE.


Many of Ashley Madison’s 37 million registered users have a lot of explaining to do this weekend. Here are some tips that just might smooth things over.

Broach the subject

“I can’t believe my name and credit card number were exposed in that Ashley Madison account we created together a while back as a joke. You don’t remember that? Are you serious? Are you feeling OK? You really don’t remember that? Maybe we should make an appointment with Dr Cales on Monday morning. I’m worried about you.”

Admit to a lesser transgression

Tell your spouse you created the account in an attempt to blackmail any one of the hundreds of government or military employees registered on the site, and that you were planning to use the money to pay for a luxurious vacation on your next anniversary.

Give your spouse a compliment

“Your sexual technique is so massively satisfying that I consider going outside of our marriage and sharing everything you’ve taught me to be a public service.”

Turn it around

Tell your spouse that you created the account because you suspected it might eventually get hacked and exposed and you wanted to see if he or she trusted you enough not to check if you were a registered user. Act hurt; shed a tear if you can. Tell your spouse you are not sure what you have done to deserve such disrespect, and that maybe it would be best if you spent some time apart.

Try to convince your spouse he or she is a ghost

This is a real long shot, but if everything else fails try explaining to your spouse that he or she is dead and has in fact been haunting you for years: “In so many ways it’s wonderful that we’ve been able to continue on with one another since the accident, but as the years have gone by I find myself longing for human contact and connection.”

Get a friend to pose as a supernatural expert and explain that it’s normal for ghosts to have selective memories, as this prevents them from taking any trauma experienced at their time of death with them to the other side. If your spouse asks why, if he or she is dead, you chose a website geared towards married people, explain that even though he or she is dead, you’ll always consider yourself married.

Blame identity theft

Prepare for this in advance by racking up secret credit card debt you can point to as further evidence.

Fall back on semantics

“I wasn’t cheating, I was aggregating female companionship.”

Tell the truth

Calmly explain that monogamy is an outdated concept that doesn’t really address the realities of 21st century life, that the traditions surrounding marriage have failed to change and adapt as society has progressed, and that ultimately going outside of your marriage for sex is a subversive and revolutionary act designed to push society forward. This will almost definitely not work, but if you’ve got to spend the next couple nights on your brother’s couch, you might as well do so with a smug sense of superiority.


If your spouse finds your name on the Ashley Madison list, your name had better be Bill Clinton because otherwise, you’re screwed (and not in the good sense of the word).

You can try all of the Clintonian lie-washing techniques, like deny, deny, deny or “I was hacked by the vast right wing conspiracy” or “it must have been someone else named Juan Nightstand.” But, in the end, that’s where you’ll get it – and without benefit of lube.




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12 Responses to What to say if your spouse finds your name on the Ashley Madison list (uh oh)

  1. Hardnox says:

    Very funny Garnet. They should give out awards for this type of stupidity… oh yeah, they’re called divorce decrees.

  2. tannngl says:

    Those are great, Garnet!
    Human nature is what it is.

    But from what I read about it, these nincompoops went to the site, paid and paid for an affair and then paid again and most of them never had their affair! They were duped. How apropos.

  3. vonmesser says:

    All I can say is it PROBABLY serves both of them right.

  4. Kathy says:

    You better just ask ‘Which suitcases should I use, Dear?’

  5. Uriel says:

    How about. Honey I was part of a sting group to stop these sites. Bwahaha

  6. I.R. Wayright says:

    I was researching for my new book, “Human Sexuality in the Internet Age.”

  7. Blessed B. says:

    I don’t understand why one would pay to have an affair…..how about doing it the old fashioned way? If you’re going to pay to step out on your spouse, then hire a call girl or gigolo, or go to the nearest nightclub and pick up someone!

    These folks who have now been caught and are crapping bricks deserve everything that coming to them.

    Oh what a wicked web we weave, when we first set out to deceive! They just got caught in their own sticky web!

    • Bullright says:

      Right, why not? You know what probably made them popular? They sensationalized the affair. Going down to the bar and picking someone up seemed so cheap. They made it seem glamorous plus they seemed to limit the risk.

  8. Bullright says:

    I can hear it now: I thought it was designer lingerie shop. So I was going to get you something nice for anniversary but when I found out what it was they wouldn’t give me my money back or cancel my subscription. Man, did I fee duped, too embarrassed to tell anyone..

  9. michael says:

    just tell her to be glad it wasn’t her best friend……..again!