You might be one of the 37 million people who have a lot of explaining to do this weekend. We’ve thought of some excuses to help dig you out of that hole.
From: theguardian.com, by Thomas Batten, on Aug 22, 2015, see the article HERE.
Many of Ashley Madison’s 37 million registered users have a lot of explaining to do this weekend. Here are some tips that just might smooth things over.
Broach the subject
“I can’t believe my name and credit card number were exposed in that Ashley Madison account we created together a while back as a joke. You don’t remember that? Are you serious? Are you feeling OK? You really don’t remember that? Maybe we should make an appointment with Dr Cales on Monday morning. I’m worried about you.”
Admit to a lesser transgression
Tell your spouse you created the account in an attempt to blackmail any one of the hundreds of government or military employees registered on the site, and that you were planning to use the money to pay for a luxurious vacation on your next anniversary.
Give your spouse a compliment
“Your sexual technique is so massively satisfying that I consider going outside of our marriage and sharing everything you’ve taught me to be a public service.”
Turn it around
Tell your spouse that you created the account because you suspected it might eventually get hacked and exposed and you wanted to see if he or she trusted you enough not to check if you were a registered user. Act hurt; shed a tear if you can. Tell your spouse you are not sure what you have done to deserve such disrespect, and that maybe it would be best if you spent some time apart.
Try to convince your spouse he or she is a ghost
This is a real long shot, but if everything else fails try explaining to your spouse that he or she is dead and has in fact been haunting you for years: “In so many ways it’s wonderful that we’ve been able to continue on with one another since the accident, but as the years have gone by I find myself longing for human contact and connection.”
Get a friend to pose as a supernatural expert and explain that it’s normal for ghosts to have selective memories, as this prevents them from taking any trauma experienced at their time of death with them to the other side. If your spouse asks why, if he or she is dead, you chose a website geared towards married people, explain that even though he or she is dead, you’ll always consider yourself married.
Blame identity theft
Prepare for this in advance by racking up secret credit card debt you can point to as further evidence.
Fall back on semantics
“I wasn’t cheating, I was aggregating female companionship.”
Tell the truth
Calmly explain that monogamy is an outdated concept that doesn’t really address the realities of 21st century life, that the traditions surrounding marriage have failed to change and adapt as society has progressed, and that ultimately going outside of your marriage for sex is a subversive and revolutionary act designed to push society forward. This will almost definitely not work, but if you’ve got to spend the next couple nights on your brother’s couch, you might as well do so with a smug sense of superiority.
If your spouse finds your name on the Ashley Madison list, your name had better be Bill Clinton because otherwise, you’re screwed (and not in the good sense of the word).
You can try all of the Clintonian lie-washing techniques, like deny, deny, deny or “I was hacked by the vast right wing conspiracy” or “it must have been someone else named Juan Nightstand.” But, in the end, that’s where you’ll get it – and without benefit of lube.