Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and asked about the upcoming weather conditions.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the days ahead.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area.”
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.”
A short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The king and queen were totally soaked.
Their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a drenched condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and fired the weatherman at once!
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of Royal Forecaster.
The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain all that information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began … the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential advisory positions.
Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world’s largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the ‘Wal-Martians’ is always good for some comic release.
Besides, I always feel pretty ‘normal’ after seeing some of the people that frequent this establishment. But, I digress … enough of my psychological fixations…..
While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, “Are you a Vietnam Vet?”
“No,” I replied.
“Then why are you wearing that cap?”
“Because I couldn’t find the one from the War of 1812.” [I thought this was a snappy retort.]
“The War of 1812, huh?” the ‘Wal-Martian’ queried, “When was that?”
God forgive me, but I couldn’t pass up such an opportunity. “1936,” I answered, as straight-faced as possible.
He pondered my response for a moment, and then asked, “Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?”
“It was a Black Operation. No one is supposed to know about it.” (This was beginning to be way too much fun!)
“DUDE! Really?” he exclaimed. “How did you get to do something that COOOOL?”
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy, and in a low voice, said. “I’m not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission.”
“Dude!!” he was really getting excited about what he was hearing!
“That is seriously awesome! But, didn’t you… kind of stand out?”
“Not really. The other guys were all wearing white camouflage.”
The moron nodded knowingly.
“Listen, man,” I said in a very serious tone, “You can’t tell anyone about this. It’s still ‘top secret’ and I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Oh yeah?” he gave me that, ‘don’t threaten me’ look. “Like, what’s gonna happen if I do?”
With a really hard look I said, “You have a family, don’t you? We wouldn’t want anything to happen to them, would we?” The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.
By this time, the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard.
I just grinned at her. After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another ‘deadly’ serious look, I made the ‘I see you’ gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped into the car and sped out of their parking lot in a flurry of dust! What a great time I had!
Tomorrow I’m going back with my Homeland Security cap. Then the next day, I will go to the DMV — so I can wear a Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty out the place. Whoever said ‘Retirement is boring,’ just needs the right kind of cap!
In Catholic schools students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors are also advised that using a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of this teaching: Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
“Of course, my child. What can I do for you?”
“Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?”
“I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will not tell a lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, I’m sure that no one will question you.”
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next please!”
So, I was walking through Tucson mall and I saw that there was a “Muslim” book Store. I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me. I imagine I didn’t look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?”
The clerk said, “get out and stay out!”
I said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback? ”
Trump White House 2018
(special thanks to Skip, Gil, Kathy, Saltwater, Rose Ann, Hershey)
Have a great Friday.