Funny Friday – August 7, 2015

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Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and asked about the upcoming weather conditions.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the days ahead.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.

Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area.”

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.”

A short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The king and queen were totally soaked.

Their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a drenched condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and fired the weatherman at once!

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of Royal Forecaster.

The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain all that information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”

So the king hired the donkey.

And thus began … the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential advisory positions.

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Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world’s largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the ‘Wal-Martians’ is always good for some comic release.

Besides, I always feel pretty ‘normal’ after seeing some of the people that frequent this establishment.  But, I digress … enough of my psychological fixations…..

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, “Are you a Vietnam Vet?”

“No,” I replied.

“Then why are you wearing that cap?”

“Because I couldn’t find the one from the War of 1812.” [I thought this was a snappy retort.]

“The War of 1812, huh?” the ‘Wal-Martian’ queried, “When was that?”

God forgive me, but I couldn’t pass up such an opportunity. “1936,” I answered, as straight-faced as possible.

He pondered my response for a moment, and then asked,  “Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?”

“It was a Black Operation. No one is supposed to know about it.”  (This was beginning to be way too much fun!)

“DUDE! Really?” he exclaimed.  “How did you get to do something that COOOOL?”

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy, and in a low voice, said. “I’m not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission.”

“Dude!!” he was really getting excited about what he was hearing!

“That is seriously awesome! But, didn’t you… kind of stand out?”

“Not really. The other guys were all wearing white camouflage.”

The moron nodded knowingly.

“Listen, man,” I said in a very serious tone, “You can’t tell anyone about this. It’s still ‘top secret’ and I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Oh yeah?” he gave me that, ‘don’t threaten me’ look.  “Like, what’s gonna happen if I do?”

With a really hard look I said, “You have a family, don’t you? We wouldn’t want anything to happen to them, would we?” The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.

By this time, the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard.

I just grinned at her. After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another ‘deadly’ serious look, I made the ‘I see you’ gesture.  He turned kind of pale, jumped into the car and sped out of their parking lot in a flurry of dust!  What a great time I had!

Tomorrow I’m going back with my Homeland Security cap.  Then the next day, I will go to the DMV — so I can wear a Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty out the place.  Whoever said ‘Retirement is boring,’ just needs the right kind of cap!

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In Catholic schools students are taught that lying is a sin.  However, instructors are also advised that using a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of this teaching: Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course, my child. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?”

“I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will not tell a lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, I’m sure that no one will question you.”

When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next please!”

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ASpecial

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So, I was walking through Tucson mall and I saw that there was a “Muslim” book Store.  I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.  I imagine I didn’t look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?”

The clerk said, “get out and stay out!”

I said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback? ”

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tsa

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mouthfull

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offend everyone

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brazilian

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Trump White House 2018

trump white house

(special thanks to Skip, Gil, Kathy, Saltwater, Rose Ann, Hershey)

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Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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4 Responses to Funny Friday – August 7, 2015

  1. Uriel says:

    Rofl. Great start to Friday!

  2. vonmesser says:

    Marriage (Part I)
    Macho man married good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
    ‘I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want — and I don’t expect any hassle from you.
    I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner.
    I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you Give me a hard time about it.
    Those are my rules. Any comments?’

    His new bride said: ‘No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night…whether you’re here or not.

    (DARN SHE’S GOOD!)
    ************************************************
    Marriage (Part II)

    Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
    The husband yells, ‘When you die, I’m getting you a headstone That reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife — Cold As Ever’!’

    ‘Yeah?’ she replies. ‘When you die, I’m getting you a headstone That reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband — Stiff At Last’!’

    (HE ASKED FOR IT!)
    *****************************************
    Marriage (Part III)

    Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
    Husband gets up in a rage and says, ‘And you are no good in bed either,’ and storms out of the house.

    After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

    She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, ‘What took you so long to answer to the phone?’

    She says, ‘I was in bed.’

    ‘In bed this early, doing what?’

    ‘Getting a second opinion!’

    (YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
    *****************************************
    Marriage (Part IV)

    A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

    He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,’ Mother of Six’ in spite of her objections.

    One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, ‘Shall we go home Mother of Six?’

    His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, Shouts right back, ‘Any time you’re ready, Father of Four.’

    (RIGHT ON, LADY!)
    ***************************************
    THE SILENT TREATMENT

    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

    Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it.

    The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

    Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn’t wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’

    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

    • Blessed B. says:

      LMAO! My Dad always has said… the best way to argue with a woman was to grab your cap and run! These prove it!

      Marriage (Part 1) sounds like my ex-husband! Wish I had thought of that retort at the time! Would have solved that attitude right from the get-go!

  3. Blessed B. says:

    Love Fridays! I really needed the laughs today!

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    Baseball with Bill & Hillary

    Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service agents leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary,looks back at the agent, and shakes his head, “no!”
    The agent then says, “Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy.”
    Bill hesitates, then changes his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, okay, if that is what the people want.
    With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants,lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
    She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, “Bill, I’ll kill you! You asshole!
    The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling, and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, “I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!”
    Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.

    The agent replies, “PITCH, Sir! I said they want you to throw out the first PITCH!”

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    Running Nude

    A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

    ‘Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!’

    ‘I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there!’

    ‘If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!’ she replied. ‘He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!’

    So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

    Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

    Do you always run in the nude?’ one asked.

    ‘Oh yes!’ he replied, gasping in air. ‘It feels so wonderfully free!’

    Another runner moved a long side. ‘Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?’

    ‘Oh, yes’ our friend answered breathlessly. ‘That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!’

    Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, ‘Do you always wear a condom when you run?’

    ‘Nope..just when it’s raining.’

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    A Marine and Catholic Confessional…

    A Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Jacksonville .
    He tells the priest, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I
    beat the hell out of an Obama supporter.”

    The priest says, “My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss
    your community service.”

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    Have a Happy weekend everyone!