A Good Question…
If Bruce Jenner goes missing, will they put his picture on a carton of Half & Half or on a box of Fruit Loops?
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines, that had been prescribed for her.
As the doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide, as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.
“Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?” “Yes, they help me sleep at night.”
“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely Nothing in these, that that could possibly help you sleep!”
She reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee. “Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice, that my 16 year old grand-daughter drinks. And, believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night.”
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him, started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn’t take it, so she said, “Come on, sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, “Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!!”
God went to the Arabs and said, ‘I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.’
The Arabs ask “what are the Commandments?’
And the Lord said, ‘They are rules for living.’
‘Can you give us an example?’
‘Thou shall not kill.’
‘Not kill? We’re not interested..’
So He went to the Blacks and said, ‘I have Commandments.’
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, ‘Honour thy Father and Mother.’
‘Father? We don’t know who our fathers are. We’re not interested.’
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, ‘I have Commandments.’
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said ‘Thou shall not steal.’
‘Not steal? We’re not interested.’
Then He went to the French and said, ‘I have Commandments.’
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, ‘Thou shall not commit adultery.’
‘Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We’re not interested.’
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, ‘I have Commandments..’
‘Commandments?’ They said, ‘How much are they?’
‘We’ll take 10.’
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn’t talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife’s’ teeth in by mistake and he couldn’t shut up.
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they
could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,
study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that
you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”
The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that and I’ve noticed in my studies of the
Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair. Moses had long hair, and there’s
even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.
Dad said,”Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”
Rednecks have the lowest stress rate because they do not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology:
|Medical Term||Redneck Definition|
|Artery||The study of paintings|
|Bacteria||Back door to cafeteria|
|Barium||What doctors do when patients die|
|Benign||What you be, after you be eight|
|Caesarean Section||A neighborhood in Rome|
|Cat scan||Searching for Kitty|
|Cauterize||Made eye contact with her|
|Colic||A sheep dog|
|Coma||A punctuation mark|
|Dilate||To live long|
|Enema||Not a friend|
|Fester||Quicker than someone else|
|Fibula||A small lie|
|Impotent||Distinguished, well known|
|Labor Pain||Getting hurt at work|
|Medical Staff||A Doctor’s cane|
|Morbid||A higher offer|
|Nitrates||Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
|Node||I knew it|
|Outpatient||A person who has fainted|
|Pelvis||Second cousin to Elvis|
|Post Operative||A letter carrier|
|Recovery Room||Place to do upholstery|
|Rectum||Nearly killed him|
|Tablet||A small table|
|Terminal Illness||Getting sick at the airport|
|Tumor||One plus one more|
|Urine||Opposite of you’re out|
(special thanks to vonMessenaround, Skip, Kathy, Blessed B, Buck, and Hershey)
Have a great Friday.