Funny Friday – July 31, 2015

 

fruit

 

A Good Question…

If Bruce Jenner goes missing, will they put his picture on a carton of Half & Half or on a box of Fruit Loops?

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crooks

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The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.  At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines, that had been prescribed for her.

As the doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide, as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.

“Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?” “Yes, they help me sleep at night.”

“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely Nothing in these, that that could possibly help you sleep!”

She reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee. “Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice, that my 16 year old grand-daughter drinks. And, believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night.”

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septic tanks pumped

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A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him, started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn’t take it, so she said, “Come on, sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, “Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!!”

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jenner

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God went to the Arabs and said, ‘I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.’

The Arabs ask “what are the Commandments?’

And the Lord said, ‘They are rules for living.’

‘Can you give us an example?’

‘Thou shall not kill.’

‘Not kill? We’re not interested..’

So He went to the Blacks and said, ‘I have Commandments.’

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, ‘Honour thy Father and Mother.’

‘Father? We don’t know who our fathers are. We’re not interested.’

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, ‘I have Commandments.’

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said ‘Thou shall not steal.’

‘Not steal? We’re not interested.’

Then He went to the French and said, ‘I have Commandments.’

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, ‘Thou shall not commit adultery.’

‘Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We’re not interested.’

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, ‘I have Commandments..’

‘Commandments?’ They said, ‘How much are they?’

‘They’re free.’

‘We’ll take 10.’

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PP Guns copy

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A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.

The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn’t talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife’s’ teeth in by mistake and he couldn’t shut up.

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PP Black lives copy

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A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they
could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,
study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that
you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that and I’ve noticed in my studies of the
Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair. Moses had long hair, and there’s
even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.

Dad said,”Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”

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20

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Rednecks have the lowest stress rate because they do not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology:

Medical Term Redneck Definition
Artery The study of paintings
Bacteria Back door to cafeteria
Barium What doctors do when patients die
Benign What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan Searching for Kitty
Cauterize Made eye contact with her
Colic A sheep dog
Coma A punctuation mark
Dilate To live long
Enema Not a friend
Fester Quicker than someone else
Fibula A small lie
Impotent Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff A Doctor’s cane
Morbid A higher offer
Nitrates Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Node I knew it
Outpatient A person who has fainted
Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative A letter carrier
Recovery Room Place to do upholstery
Rectum Nearly killed him
Secretion Hiding something
Seizure Roman Emperor
Tablet A small table
Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport
Tumor One plus one more
Urine Opposite of you’re out

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undocumented democrats

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(special thanks to vonMessenaround, Skip, Kathy, Blessed B, Buck, and Hershey)

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Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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4 Responses to Funny Friday – July 31, 2015

  1. Kathy says:

    LOL! Gotta love those rednecks!

    Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

    Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water.

    He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

    The first kid said: “I sure would like to go to Disneyland.” Obama said: “No problem, I’ll take you there on Air Force One.”

    The second kid said: “I really need a new X-box One.” “I’ll get it for you and all the games you want.” said Obama.

    The third kid said: “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!”

    Obama is a little perplexed by this and says: “But you don’t look like you’re injured.”

    The kid says: “But I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from downing!”

  2. WTXGunRunner says:

    Good Stuff! Redneck Power!

    ~~~***~~~
    Teacher: “If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?”
    Boy: “Seven!”
    Teacher: “No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?”
    Boy: “Seven!”
    Teacher: “Let’s try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?”
    Boy: “Six.”
    Teacher: “Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?”
    Boy: “Seven!”
    Teacher: “How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?”
    Boy: “I’ve already got one rabbit at home now!’

    ~~~***~~~
    One night, a man and his wife were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while they were in bed. He turned to her and said “Do you want to have sex?” “No” she answered. Then he said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at him this time and simply said “Yes”.
    So he said “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
    And that’s when the fight started…….

    ~~~***~~~
    A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application.
    The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
    “I must say,” says the executive, “your work history is terrible. You’ve been fired from every job.”
    “Yes” says the man.
    “Well,” continues the executive, “there’s not much positive in that.”

    “Hey!” says the guy as he pokes the application. “At least I’m not a quitter.”

    ~~~***~~~
    Have yourselves a great weekend! Oh, and, make a libtard unhappy today, will ya?

  3. vonmesser says:

    Hilary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t.

    The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She said that he should resist any request from the farmer to pay for the animal, but she said, “you killed it, so if they have to have money, it will come out of your pocket!” She stayed in the car making phone calls.

    About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

    “What happened to you,” asked Hillary?

    “Well,” the driver replied, “the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me.” “I had just stepped inside the door and said, ‘I’m Hillary Clinton’s driver and I’ve just killed the old cow.’ The rest happened so fast I couldn’t stop it.”

  4. Hardnox says:

    LOl. Thanks guys & gals.

    If we don’t get more participation I’m not doing this anymore.