Funny Friday – July 24, 2015

—oo—

A young lady was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk

A carton of eggs

A quart of orange juice

A head of lettuce

A 2 lb. Can of coffee

A 1 lb. Package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly Stated, ‘You must be single.’

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she indeed had never found Mr. Right.

She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status..

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said , ‘Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?’

The drunk replied, ‘Cause you’re ugly’.

—oo—

—oo—

A boy asks his Dad, “Why do people say gardeners have green thumbs when their thumbs aren’t green?”

Dad replies. “It’s just a saying, son. It’s like, when somebody is caught stealing something, we say they have been caught “red handed,” even though their hands are actually black.”

—oo—

—oo—

An illegal alien, in Polk County, Florida , who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop, ended up “executing” the deputy who stopped him.

The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range.

Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.

The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area. As soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him.

They hit the guy 68 times.

Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor, undocumented immigrant 68 times.

Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: “Because that’s all the ammunition we had.”

The Coroner also reported that the illegal alien died of natural causes.

When asked by a reporter how that could be, since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied:  “When you are shot 68 times you are naturally gonna die.”

—oo—

—oo—

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.

“Is everything okay, pal?” the bartender asks.

“My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know, ..a little peace and quiet?”

“Yeah, but today is the last day!”

—oo—

—oo—

George W Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying, “No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse.”

The second barber turned to Bush and said, “How about you sir?”

Bush replied, “Go ahead; my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”

—oo—

—oo—

(thanks to Kenny & Skip for their contributions)

Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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5 Responses to Funny Friday – July 24, 2015

  1. WTXGunRunner says:

    Nice stuff, Nox! Excellent start to a Friday!

    ~~~***~~~
    A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Johnny what is your problem?” Johnny answered, “I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!” The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal’s office. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.
    Principal: “What is 3×3?” Johnny: “9?
    Principal: “What is 6×6?” Johnny: “36?
    And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Johnny can go to the third grade,” The teacher says to the principal, “let me ask him some questions?” The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
    Johnny, after a moment, “legs”. Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal’ eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied,” Pockets”. The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions.”
    ~~~***~~~
    A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
    “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
    The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
    Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um … no.”
    The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”
    The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
    “Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”
    The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”
    On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”
    ~~~***~~~
    Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are separated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said “Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence.” Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence…but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.
    “Satan!” beckoned God. “You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!”
    “Yeah? What if I don’t?” replied the devil.
    “I’ll sue you if I have to,” answered God.

    “Sure,” laughed Satan. “Where are you going to find a lawyer?”
    ~~~***~~~
    Have a great weekend everyone!

  2. vonmesser says:

    A Man’s Age according to Home Depot

    You are in the middle of some home projects: putting in a new fence, painting the porch, planting some flowers and fixing a broken door lock. You are hot and sweaty, covered with dirt, lawn clippings and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit — shorts with a hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

    Right in the middle of these tasks you realize that you need to run to Home Depot for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the following:

    In your 20s: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line. And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

    In your 30s: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it! Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

    In your 40s: Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so don’t waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter’s age and you feel weird about thinking she’s spicy.

    In your 50s: Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don’t want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember — the hat you have on is from Bubba’s Bait & Beer Bar and it says, ‘I Got Worms ‘

    In your 60s: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don’t have your glasses on, so you’re not sure.

    In your 70s: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until you call the drug store to have your prescriptions ready for pick too and check your grocery list for a quick stop there. Got to save trips! Don’t even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch… who cares.

    In your 80s: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. You go to Wal-Mart instead. You went to school with the old lady greeter. You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and turn around thinking someone called your name.

    In your 90s: What’s a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

  3. Kathy says:

    In bed, it’s 6:00 AM, you close your eyes for five minutes, it’s 7:45.

    At work, it’s 1:30, you close your eyes for five minutes, it’s 1:31.

  4. 219rad says:

    My Mommy, The Dancer

    One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children in her class what their mothers did for a living.
    All the typical answers came up — teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
    However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher gently prodded him about his mother
    He replied, “Well my mother’s an exotic dancer in a club and takes off all her clothes in front of men, and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.”
    The teacher, obviously shaken by this bold statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to quietly ask him, “Is that really true about your mother, dear?”

    Nope,” the boy said, “She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be the next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that In front of the other kids.”