A young lady was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. Can of coffee
A 1 lb. Package of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly Stated, ‘You must be single.’
She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she indeed had never found Mr. Right.
She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status..
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said , ‘Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?’
The drunk replied, ‘Cause you’re ugly’.
A boy asks his Dad, “Why do people say gardeners have green thumbs when their thumbs aren’t green?”
Dad replies. “It’s just a saying, son. It’s like, when somebody is caught stealing something, we say they have been caught “red handed,” even though their hands are actually black.”
An illegal alien, in Polk County, Florida , who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop, ended up “executing” the deputy who stopped him.
The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range.
Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area. As soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him.
They hit the guy 68 times.
Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor, undocumented immigrant 68 times.
Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: “Because that’s all the ammunition we had.”
The Coroner also reported that the illegal alien died of natural causes.
When asked by a reporter how that could be, since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied: “When you are shot 68 times you are naturally gonna die.”
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.
“Is everything okay, pal?” the bartender asks.
“My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!”
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know, ..a little peace and quiet?”
“Yeah, but today is the last day!”
George W Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Obama was quick to stop him saying, “No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse.”
The second barber turned to Bush and said, “How about you sir?”
Bush replied, “Go ahead; my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”
(thanks to Kenny & Skip for their contributions)
Have a great Friday.