Funny Friday – July 17, 2015

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1. I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people.   I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.   People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands.   If they are holding a gun, she’s probably upset.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers.   Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you’ve just met?   That’s common sense leaving your body.

6. I don’t like making plans for the day.   Because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn’t make it to the gym today.  That makes 1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.   I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers.   If you find one, what’s your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid.   Politicians just abuse the privilege.

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A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty  lot.

The  young  family’s  4-year-old  daughter naturally  took  an  interest  in all  the  activity  going  on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually  the  construction  crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough,” more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They  chatted with her,  let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks,  & gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even  presented her with a pay  envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her 10 dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom  got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed & asked the little girl  how she  had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real construction crew building  the  new house next door to us.”

“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the friggin’ drywall.

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A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’

The old cowboy replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’

‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’ Satan asked.

‘Nope, sure ain’t.’ said the cowboy.

‘Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan.

‘Don’t doubt it for a minute,’ returned the old man, in an even tone.

‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?’ persisted Satan.

‘Yep,’ was the calm reply.

‘And you are still not afraid?’ asked Satan.

‘Nope,’ said the old cowboy.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘Why aren’t you afraid of me?’

The old cowboy calmly replied, ‘Been  married to your sister for 35 years. ‘

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Just as our basic vocabulary grows and evolves on an almost daily basis, so too does our usage of technical terminology and acronyms.

Example: In recent American history, the president of our once-great nation has been identified by the acronym “POTUS” , which of course stands for President Of The United States .

However, during the current presidency, many may not be aware of the subtle change in meaning that has come about with that term..

The occupant of the Oval Office is still referred to as the POTUS, but the term has become much more descriptive of the man holding this once revered position:

POTUS now means “PIECE OF TOTALLY USELESS SHIT.

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No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between “complete” and “finished.”

However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was asked to make that very distinction.

Mr. Balgobin’s response:

“When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’

If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’

And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished.”

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Have a nice day.

~ Hardnox

 

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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6 Responses to Funny Friday – July 17, 2015

  1. Kathy says:

    LOL! Love the new definition of POTUS – kind of goes with our POS we dubbed him with years ago, eh?

    ~ ~

    The Lost Truck Keys

    “Several days ago as I left the sale barn in Navasota to walk out to my pickup and was reaching into my jeans pocket for my truck keys I got that sick feeling when I didn’t find them there.

    I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down – other jeans pockets, shirt pocket – not there. Turned around real fast and trotted back into the sale barn. I did a quick search in the seats where I had been sitting – nothing. I asked everybody if they had seen my keys – nope.

    Then it hit me – I must have left them in the truck. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot outside the sale barn.

    My wife, Verna Faye has scolded me a thousand times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the pickup will be stolen if I do that.

    As I burst through the doors of the sale barn and out into the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty – no pickup.

    I immediately call the highway patrol. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the truck, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all.

    “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her honey in times like these. “I left my keys in the truck, and it has been stolen.”

    There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Verna Faye’s voice.

    “Cooter,” she barked, “I dropped you off at the sale barn on my way to the grocery store!”

    Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, would you come and get me?”

    Verna Faye retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince these *&%$&#$ highway patrolmen I have not stolen your *^%$^&%$$ truck!”

  2. WTXGunRunner says:

    Good start to a Friday! I too, like the new definition that includes the initials P O S.

    ~~~
    A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.”

    “And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”

    The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, “Now, you have everything.”

    ~~~
    One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

    The thief then went through Murphy’s pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.

    The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.

    “Was that all you wanted?” Murphy replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I’ve got in me shoe!”

    ~~~A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
    “But I paid, don’t you remember?” says the customer.
    “Okay,” says the bartender, “If you said you paid, you did.”
    The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid.
    The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
    The barkeep replies, “If you say you paid, I’ll take your word for it.”
    Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
    The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, “You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose.”

    “Don’t bother me with your troubles,” the final patron responds. “Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”

    ~~~
    Have yourselves a great Friday!

  3. Anne says:

    The India one has got to be my absolute favorite!!! I’ll be laughing about that one all day.