Funny Friday – July 10, 2015

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At the Drive Up Bank ATM:

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash  machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and  enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve  card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE  PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and  hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow  easier access to machine due to its excessive Distance from the car.
8.  Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the Inside back page.
11. Enter  PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and  receipt.
16.. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate  card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27.  Release parking brake.

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This is for those of you in my older generation who do not really comprehend why Facebook exists.

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Every day I go down to the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night.

Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.

And it works. I already have 3 persons following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.

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Have a great Friday.

~ Hardnox

 

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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12 Responses to Funny Friday – July 10, 2015

  1. Kathy says:

    And God Created Texas . . .

    God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

    He inquired, “Where have you been?”

    God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
    “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.”

    Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?”

    “It’s a planet,” replied God, and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test Balance.”

    “Balance?” inquired Michael, “I’m still confused.”

    God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.
    Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.”

    God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

    The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?”

    “That’s Texas, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Texas are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, humorous, but proud and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things.”

    Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, “But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.”

    God smiled, “I will create Washington, DC. Wait till you see the fools I put there.”

  2. Just Gene says:

    Just Gene says “Analogs of the world unite”
    Arlene

  3. Bullright says:

    That drive up joke was sexist … all funny stuff .LOL Do you think those two same-sex couples might get together and compare complaints? Right oh never mind

  4. Garnet92 says:

    The difference between the U.S. Supreme Court and the Ku Klux Klan is that the members of the Supreme Court dress in black robes and scare white people…..

    ———————–

    Because of his stupidity and clumsiness, his teacher was always yelling at
    him, “You’re driving me crazy, Tyrone.”

    One day Tyrone’s mama came to school to check on how he was doing.

    The teacher told his mama honestly that her son was simply a disaster,
    getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her
    entire teaching career.

    The mom was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school
    and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

    15 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac
    disease.

    All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only
    one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. Left with no other
    options the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

    When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor
    smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started
    to turn blue, she raised her hand trying to tell him something, but quickly died.

    The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. Then he
    turned around and saw that Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, had unplugged the
    life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.

    If you thought Tyrone had become a heart surgeon, and saved that teacher’s life
    … there is a high likelihood that you voted for Obama.

    ———————-

    HARD TIMES AHEAD

    This morning, the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if the United States continued meddling in Syria, Egypt, Libya and other potential hot spots in the Middle East, they intend to cut off America’s supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

    If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T and AOL customer service reps.

    Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to not send us any more presidents.

    It’s gonna get ugly, folks…

  5. Blessed B. says:

    BBQ Season?

    Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: “Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”

    With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s bottom.

    “Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!”

    The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

    “What’s wrong?” he asks.

    She answers: “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
    Never try & Out do a Woman!!! Hahaha!!!…

    One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, ‘Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in ‘Slim Fast’. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!’

    His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

    The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ‘What the Hell is this?’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.

    ‘April’, he hollered into the bathroom, ‘Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?’

    She replied, ‘It’s not talcum powder; it’s Miracle Grow’.

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Something Fishy Here?

    A man get stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.
    Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
    Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
    Warden: your pet fish? How’s that?
    Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
    Warden: Well that’s just a crock of lies!!
    Man: here I’ll show you… (Releases the fish in the lake)
    Warden: well this I got to see!!
    5 minutes later…
    Warden: well??
    Man: what?
    Warden: the fish!! Where’s your pet fish??
    Man: what fish??

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    OO-RAH!

    A Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Jacksonville. He tells the priest, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
    Last night, I beat the hell out of a few Obama and Hillary Clinton supporters.”

    The priest says, “My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.”

  6. CW says:

    I protest! The female procedure at the ATM is only partly true.

    _________________________

    There was a couple and the wife was very talkative. She would talk with people on the phone hour after hour, and this got on her husband’s nerves. One day they were in the middle of dinner and the phone rang. The husband rolled his eyes. “Here she goes,” he thought to himself. The wife ran to the phone and started her usual chatting. After about 30 minutes, however, she hung up and came back to the table. The husband, happy that she was finally learning to shorten her phone calls, complimented on her unusually quick return and asked who called. “It was a wrong number,” the wife replied.