Funny Friday – June 26, 2015

I’m confused!

confused

—oo—

News for 2056:

– Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest Country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California

– White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the third language.

– Spotted Owl plague threatens Northwestern United States crops and livestock.

– Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

– Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

– Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

– France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

– Last Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

– George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.

– Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

– Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

– 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

– Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

– Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States .

– Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

– Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

– Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

– A Couple Finally had Sexual Harmony . They had simultaneous Headaches.

– Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with only 5 illegitimate children.

– Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

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phone

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Ron Donald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario , says, “I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto . I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.”

“That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, “The Turban Cowboy,” and the other, a topless bar, would be called “You Mecca Me Hot.”

“Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called ” Iraq of Ribs.”

“Across the street there could be a lingerie store called ” Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret,” with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.” “Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, “Koranal Knowledge,” its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called “Morehammered.”

“All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us.”

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copertone

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After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofabed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now … I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman.” And then I said to my wife, It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of the bargain.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

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diet

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A Marine enters the Catholic church confessional booth in Jacksonville . He tells the priest, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the Hell out of an Obama supporter.”

The priest says, “My son, I am here to Forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.”

—oo—

hillary2016

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A Rhode Island RVer is going to bat for his bird before lawmakers. Tom Wharton says he and his cockatoo, Tootsie, have been chucked out of campgrounds twice for violating a state law that prohibits pets in parks — other than cats or dogs.

The Rhode Island House has passed a bill allowing two birds per campsite, provided the feathered fliers stay cooped up in an RV.

An earlier bill was opposed by some state officials who said it would have allowed for “chickens and turkeys” in campgrounds. Most RVers will tell you they’re already there — they just don’t have feathers.

—oo—

New for 2016: The Bill & Hillary Kitchen Set

clintons

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Ole and his wife Lena moved back home to Minnesota from Arizona. Lena had a wooden leg and to insure it in Arizona was $2,000.00 per year!!!

When they arrived in Minnesota, they went to Sven’s Insurance Agency to see how much it would cost to insure Lena’s wooden leg. Sven
Looked it up on his computer and told Ole, “$39.00.”

Ole was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Minnesota to insure it, because it had cost him $2,000.00 in Arizona!!

Sven turned his computer screen toward the couple and said, “Well Ole, here it is, direct from The Minnesota Fire Insurance Company, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.”

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jenner cat

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An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God,or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics butlet me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the samestuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flatpatty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

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naacp

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My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.

Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself. I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.”

The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them…… I just never saw one mounted and framed.”

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zf3

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weekend

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(special thanks to Skip, Garnet, Buck, David, Blessed B)

Have a great weekend.

~ Hardnox

About Hardnox

Constitutional Conservative that Lefties love to hate.
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12 Responses to Funny Friday – June 26, 2015

  1. Kathy says:

    Oh my gosh, lol, good stuff to start off the weekend!

    ~

    A Texas State trooper pulled over an old dusty pickup driven by a cowhand from a nearby ranch as he headed east on I-10 near Fort Stockton.

    The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”

    The cowboy replied, “Bout’ whut?”

  2. WTXGunRunner says:

    Pretty good stuff, Nox! Floruba? OK then.

    ~~~***~~~

    An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest,
    “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.”
    The priest said, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”
    “Never Father… I’m Jewish.”
    “So then, why are you telling me?”

    “I’m telling everybody!”

    ~~~***~~~

    “A middle-aged woman was teeing off for her round of golf when she toppled over after swinging too hard,” or so Young Conservatives told us.
    “The foursome waiting on the tee happened to include President Obama. Reacting quickly, Obama adroitly ran to the woman and helped her up.
    “She thanked him and began to re-tee her ball,” when Obama realized that he should cozy up to this woman as both a voter and a potential donor.
    She could, after all, afford to play on a very exclusive golf course.
    “By the way,” he said with his best baby-kissing smile, “I’m Barack Obama and I sure hope you vote for me in November.”

    She smiled and replied, “I fell on my butt, Mr. President, not on my head,”

    ~~~***~~~

    A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read “Unique Breakfast” so he walked in and sat down.
    The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. “What’s your Unique Breakfast?” he asked inquisitively. “Baked tongue of chicken!” she proudly replied.
    “Baked tongue of chicken?… baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth!” he fumed.

    Undaunted, the waitress asked, “What would you like then?” “Just bring me some scrambled eggs,” the man replied.

    ~~~***~~~

    One spelling mistake can destroy your life!

    A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to add ‘e’ at the end of a word…

    “I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her..!”

    ~~~***~~~

    That’s it for this week. Have a fab weekend everyone!

  3. garnet92 says:

    The frugal bride

    On their wedding night, the young bride
    approached her new husband and asked
    For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
    Encounter.

    In his highly aroused state,
    Her husband readily agreed.

    This scenario was repeated each time they made
    Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
    Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
    She needed.

    Arriving home around noon one day, she was
    Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

    During the next few minutes, he explained that
    His employer was going through a process of corporate
    Downsizing, and he had been let go.
    It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find
    Another position that paid anywhere near what
    He’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

    Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
    Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
    Nearly $1 million.
    Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the
    Bank which were worth over $2 million,
    And informed him that they
    Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
    She explained that for more than
    Three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex,
    These holdings had multiplied and these were the
    Results of her savings and investments.

    Faced with evidence of cash and investments
    Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
    Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

    ‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing,
    I would have given you all my business!’

    That’s when she shot him.

    You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when
    To keep their mouths shut!
    Women are like phones:
    They like to be held, talked to, and touched often
    But push the wrong button and you are disconnected!

    ——————————————————————————

    The Coyote Principle

    California
    · The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor’s dog, then bites the Governor.
    · The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
    · He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
    · He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
    · The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
    · The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
    · The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a “coyote awareness program” for residents of the area.
    · The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
    · The Governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re the nature of coyotes.
    · PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.

    TEXAS
    · The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
    · The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
    · The buzzards eat the dead coyote.

    And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

    ————————————————————————————

    Red Neck Striptease

    Cletus is passing by Billy Bob’s hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
    Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
    Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, “What the world’re ya doing, BillyBob?”
    “Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
    “But me’n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d’partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.”

    (Don’t make me come ‘splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.)

    ———————————————————————————————-

    Hillary’s Pregnant

    Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she’s pregnant. She is furious! Here she is about to run for President and this has happened to her.

    She calls Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: “How could you have let this happen? With all that’s going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you???!!! I can’t believe this!I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it’s all your fault!!! YOUR FAULT!!! Well, what have you got to say???”
    There is nothing but dead silence on the end of the phone.
    She screams again, “DID YOU HEAR ME???!!!”

    Finally,she hears Bill’s very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says,

    …….

    “Who is this?”

  4. BrianR says:

    That Hildebeest nutcracker: the last time she was that slim, Reagan was President.

  5. CW says:

    Wow – lotsa good stuff today!

    That one toilet seat joke reminded me of a true story I heard when a host on some TV show asked the audience to relate stories of their worst first dates. One gal said that she and her date went skiing for the day. At the end of the day they started the long drive back and it was somewhat slow going because the roads were icy. At some point she had to pee too badly and asked him to pull over. She got out and went behind the car for privacy, and since it was icy she leaned her backside against the car bumper for support. When she was done she discovered to her dismay that she had become stuck to the frozen bumper, all the while her date is sitting in the car trying not to disturb her. Eventually he gets concerned and comes out to check on her, and there she is with her pants down, stuck to the bumper. With no other means of freeing her, they use the only warm liquid at their disposal – he pees on the bumper and she is finally free.

    P.S.
    I believe they married each other.

  6. Clyde says:

    You guys rock today. Loved the little girl on the plane. THAT could have been my granddaughter. EXACTLY something the smart-ass-in-training would come up with.