News for 2056:
– Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest Country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California
– White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the third language.
– Spotted Owl plague threatens Northwestern United States crops and livestock.
– Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
– Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
– Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
– France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
– Last Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
– George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.
– Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
– Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
– 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
– Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
– Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States .
– Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
– Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
– Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
– A Couple Finally had Sexual Harmony . They had simultaneous Headaches.
– Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with only 5 illegitimate children.
– Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Ron Donald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario , says, “I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto . I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.”
“That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, “The Turban Cowboy,” and the other, a topless bar, would be called “You Mecca Me Hot.”
“Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called ” Iraq of Ribs.”
“Across the street there could be a lingerie store called ” Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret,” with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.” “Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, “Koranal Knowledge,” its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called “Morehammered.”
“All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us.”
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofabed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now … I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman.” And then I said to my wife, It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of the bargain.”
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
A Marine enters the Catholic church confessional booth in Jacksonville . He tells the priest, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the Hell out of an Obama supporter.”
The priest says, “My son, I am here to Forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.”
A Rhode Island RVer is going to bat for his bird before lawmakers. Tom Wharton says he and his cockatoo, Tootsie, have been chucked out of campgrounds twice for violating a state law that prohibits pets in parks — other than cats or dogs.
The Rhode Island House has passed a bill allowing two birds per campsite, provided the feathered fliers stay cooped up in an RV.
An earlier bill was opposed by some state officials who said it would have allowed for “chickens and turkeys” in campgrounds. Most RVers will tell you they’re already there — they just don’t have feathers.
New for 2016: The Bill & Hillary Kitchen Set
Ole and his wife Lena moved back home to Minnesota from Arizona. Lena had a wooden leg and to insure it in Arizona was $2,000.00 per year!!!
When they arrived in Minnesota, they went to Sven’s Insurance Agency to see how much it would cost to insure Lena’s wooden leg. Sven
Looked it up on his computer and told Ole, “$39.00.”
Ole was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Minnesota to insure it, because it had cost him $2,000.00 in Arizona!!
Sven turned his computer screen toward the couple and said, “Well Ole, here it is, direct from The Minnesota Fire Insurance Company, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.”
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God,or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.
“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics butlet me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the samestuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flatpatty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”
My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself. I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.”
The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them…… I just never saw one mounted and framed.”
(special thanks to Skip, Garnet, Buck, David, Blessed B)
Have a great weekend.